I was married June 5, 1981 to Gary Howard Hildebrandt in the Washington D.C. Temple. I was so sure I had found someone that would love me as much as I loved him. I remember being so very grateful that Gary was so very good to me. I was not used to being treated with such tenderness, and I counted my blessings daily! I remember thinking early in my marriage that I was sure I had found heaven on earth.
One day in particular, stands out in my mind. Gary was home for the day, it was most likely a Saturday. We had only been married a short time, perhaps two months. I had just gotten ready for the day. I went into the bedroom, thinking that Gary was there, but, he was not. We were in a very small apartment, so it did not take me long to go throughout the entire apartment in search of Gary. I could not find him. I went to the sliding glass door to see if the car was still parked below. It was. I knew Gary would not have gone anywhere without first letting me know he had gone----that is if he could let me know! He had not said anything about having any place he needed to be, so I was certain he had not walked anywhere.
He was not in the apartment, he had not taken the car and I was sure he had not walked anywhere! I felt the panic rise. Then, I remember I began to pray. I said, "Oh, dear Heavenly Father, please, please do not tell me you have taken him! I know he is worthy of being translated, but, I still need him in my life!" I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes, when just at that minute, the door opened and in walked Gary! I remember being overjoyed with relief and I asked him where he had been, because I had looked and had not seen him anywhere. His answer? He was UNDER the car! He was checking something underneath the car and I just had not seen him there.
I felt really foolish for feeling such panic and for jumping to conclusions! But, perhaps it gives you a glimpse into my mind and heart! I just love so very completely! I also see the very best in others. I truly do see the awesome potential in others, and so, it is already a reality for me as to who they are, even if they have not yet quite arrived at that place; I can see it in them and it is how I see them. I can not see them as anything less.
I believe all people have great potential. I believe that we all are trying to do the very best that we can. I have always believed that LOVE is the answer. Always! I strive to do whatever would be the most loving and kind solution. I wish with all my heart that I did not fall so very short so very often. It is funny. I do not see others falling short as often as I know I, myself, fall short!
I have always wanted to live a life of service toward others. Yet, there have been times when I have wanted to do so much for others, to be of service and to be there for others, that the sacrifice has affected those I love. I do not mind sacrificing anything when it comes to my own personal comfort or pleasure. But, with the addition of a husband and less than a year later, a beautiful little baby girl, I began to realize that I had to consider the needs of my family when serving others.
This was a new concept.
I had been single and free to spend my time and money as I chose in helping others. I had served in my church over the single adults and had spent a great deal of my time and money providing activities, transportation etc. for those who fell under my stewardship. The time and money I gave, never seemed to be a burden. Serving my fellowmen was, to me, a tangible way of showing my deep gratitude to my Savior for all HE has done and continually does do for me!
But, again, now my circumstances were changed and I had a family to consider. I pondered and prayed at length. I needed to find the right balance between serving those in my community and church, and providing for the needs of my family. Shortly before Bonnie was born, I was invited--called by my Bishop, to be the Young Women's President. I was now responsible for between 15-20 young women. I was to provide them with Sunday instruction, weekly activities and various week-end activities. Additionally, I was to help them set goals and learn how to succeed in attaining those goals. It was a huge responsibility, and I felt very inadequate. My counselors were suggested by my Bishop, and so, they were called. I soon learned that neither sister was familiar with the program, nor were they willing to do anything delegated to them, initially. I needed to train them and orient them before I would have any real assistance with the program.
As I met with the parents of these young women, it became clear that they were not at all interested in supporting the program, if it required any of their time to do so. That made it all the more daunting.
After struggling with the load of this responsibility for a few months, I remember trying to deal with all the demands from the youth, the parents, my counselors, and my own husband and tiny daughter, and feeling as though I was failing EVERYONE!
Then, I had a dream...
This dream was so very vivid, that 25 years later, as I reflect upon it, it can still bring hot tears to my eyes and my heart begins to race.
This, then, was the dream:
I was walking with my daughter Bonnie. She was not yet a year old. She was in her stroller and as I looked around at the scenery, I realized that I was back in Marquette Michigan, where I had lived from the time I was 12 years old, (1971-1977) until I had graduated from High School. I had not been back there since 1978! ( I had graduated in 1977, but we did go back a year later when my sister had had her first baby. She had married and returned to live in the Marquette Area.)
Anyway, I was walking along, pushing Bonnie in her stroller. I was stopped by a mother of one of my young women. She was frantic and stated that she had lost her daughter, and did not know the area, and would I please help her look for her daughter. I paused, I told Bonnie to stay in the stroller and that I would return very soon! I then went with the mother to help her locate her daughter. It took, perhaps 15-20 minutes, but, we did succeed in locating her daughter! I ran back to the stroller, where Bonnie was patiently waiting, and we resumed our walk.
We had not progressed far, when we arrived at the bridge. We went under the highway and no sooner had we begun our descent, when a horrible auto accident occurred right before our very eyes. I was the first responder. I was a nurse and knew I had to help stabilize the victims. I again, asked Bonnie to wait in her stroller while I attended to the injured. I pushed her off to the side and commenced administering care. Again, a period of time passed, then as the Emergency vehicles arrived and began to assume the care for the victims, I returned to my daughter. Once again, she was just patiently waiting for me and we again resumed our walk.
Now, we were beyond the first bridge and we were just approaching another bridge. This bridge had a lively river running beneath it. The current was swift and the water pristine. Yet, for the third time, our walk was interrupted. I was once again, asked by another to assist them in locating their daughter. Once again, I pushed the stroller to the side of the walkway and told Bonnie to wait there and I would return soon. I assisted in the search, and it seemed, once again, that only 15 minutes had passed, when we were granted success and a mother and daughter were reunited.
I felt joy as I reflected that I had been able to assist others. As I said, I have always found my greatest happiness comes as I help or serve others.
I returned to the place I had remembered leaving Bonnie, but, the stroller was no where in sight! As I began to panic and search now for my own daughter, I saw on the hill, my brother Shawn. I thought, "that is impossible! How in the world could Shawn be here, he is in England serving a mission for our church!" I went to him, and it was indeed my brother, Shawn. His face was drawn taut and it seemed as though he was near tears. I said, "What is it Shawn?" He merely pointed down to the rushing river below. I followed his gaze, and to my horror, I saw Bonnie's stroller, upside down and stuck between two great boulders. I screamed, "Where is Bonnie?" And, Shawn said, "Kim, she is gone." I knew then, that she had drowned.
I awoke at this point in the dream. I was drenched in sweat and I was sobbing. The dream was so very real! It was so very vivid. It was as though I had actually witnessed that horrible scene. I have never forgotten the dream, the terror it caused and the lesson I believe I was being taught. I have not been perfect in applying the principles I learned from my dream, but, I have tried throughout my days as a mother, to count the cost of whatever I have chosen to do with my time. I have tried to make certain whatever I have done has NOT been at the expense of my family, especially my children. I knew I could never bear the pain of losing---either physically, emotionally or spiritually, a child of mine due to my neglect or my misguided notion that service at all costs was the goal. Yet, I have also known that since service has always brought me joy, I had to instill in my children a love of serving their fellowmen and each other. Hence the need for true balance!
One never knows how successful one is in training ones children. I mean, really, how can you accurately measure your success? But, I have had an inkling that perhaps I have not failed entirely in this, my quest to teach my children to serve.
My children are all willing serve and assist others and they do make helping each other a priority.
When Christopher was serving his mission from 2004-2006 in Houston Texas, he related to me one of the things that helped him to face and endure the challenges of serving a mission. He stated that during one of his greatest points of despair, he reflected upon what had brought to him the greatest joy in his life. He decided that his joy came when he was serving others. He reflected upon those times that we as a family had helped others by babysitting, bringing in meals or cleaning or when we had served at the cannery, or in the church's Bishop's Storehouse---where we would often go to fill orders, clean out the refrigerators or stock the shelves.
Christopher said it changed his mission. He began seeking ways to serve others always.
In the fall of 2005, when hurricane Rita ravaged the Texas area where Christopher was, they evacuated 100 missionaries. My son, Christopher, begged his Mission President to please allow him to stay with "his people!" He did not want to abandon "his people" in their greatest hour of need! But, he was forced to evacuate. I received a phone call and then a card from those in the area to which Christopher was sent. I have never been more pleased as I heard these ladies state that of the 100 missionaries that were sent to them, ONLY Christopher insisted on helping them serve the meals to the other missionaries. They went on to tell me that Christopher after he had helped with serving the meals, would NOT allow any of the ladies to clean the floors in the kitchen, but instead, got down on his hands and knees and washed the floors for them. They were in awe of how much he did assist them, when no one else even offered to help.
Funny how all my life my greatest joy has come from serving others, until now! Now, I would have to say, my greatest joy is seeing that my CHILDREN have caught the vision of service and that joy is even greater! How sweet is the knowledge that my children are continuing the legacy of love and service! My joy is full!
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