How Truly Blessed Are We !

I am, once again, working all night. I have been granted permission to use some of the time that I am working all night, doing schoolwork, checking emails, or just in general, using my laptop with my wireless connection. What a blessing that is right now! I find I am in the blessed situation to be able to multi-task AND be paid for that! But, it is still so very difficult to leave my children and work outside the home. I was so very blessed to be able to be a stay at home mother for 20 years! BUT, my circumstances changed, and my working is a necessary evil! ( I say EVIL because anytime I am away from my children, it is so sad to me....)

Anyway, I thought I might share a tender moment, and a sweet memory with you all. I was driving with my youngest daughter, Shawnie. (She is 8 years of age) We were on our way home from Brigham City. We had been doing errands and now had about a 30 minute drive just to chat. IT has been particularly hard on Shawnie when I do have to work. SO, she began to complain, once again, about how much she truly hated me leaving her the nights I did work.

I pondered as to what to say to her that I had NOT ALREADY said on the subject! I had often told her all of the reasons that our budget just could not allow me to be home 24/7! I felt impressed to ask her if she even knew what I did when I was at work! She replied that she knew I took care of a little boy, but that was all! SO, I began to tell her about my work. I said, " Shawnie, do you know that this little boy I take care of at night does have his parents home, but, if I was not there, they would not be able to ever get a full nights sleep!" Shawnie said, "Why not Mom?" I then explained what I was required to do for this little patient of mine. I said, "Shawnie, do you know that he can not even breathe without the help of a tube in his neck? AND, he cannot even eat like you can. All of his food has to be fed to him through a tube that goes into his stomach. HE cannot even drink anything nor can he eat anything. IF he is thirsty, he cannot even tell me! I just have to keep his mouth moist and put Vaseline on his lips. Did you know that his lips get so dry and chapped because he cannot even lick his own lips? HE cannot scratch if he has an itch! He does not have any use of his legs or arms. I have to turn him frequently all night, so he does not get sores on his shoulders, back, arms, and feet! Can you imagine how hard it must be for him? IF something is bothering him, he cannot even tell me! Sometimes, it takes me a while to figure out why he is crying! And, it breaks my heart! I work so hard and fast to try and find out just what he does need so that he is not suffering!" Shawnie was so very quiet by this point. I looked over at her, and I was overwhelmed with emotion, as I saw tears welling up in her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. She did NOT speak for a moment. Then, she said, "Mom, I will never ever ask you to stay home from work again! HE really does need you more than I do, doesn't he?"

Then, I began to cry. I told Shawnie that I loved this little boy and it did make my day that when he hears my voice as I enter his room, he will smile! HE does make noise and tries to talk to me as I read to him and it is clear to me that he is aware of his surroundings! BUT, the love I had for my little patient, would never ever be as great as my love for her! FOR each of my own children! I told Shawnie that my job was NOT to be his Mom, because he does have a Mom that loves him like I love her! I was just there to give his parents the help they need to care for him. I explained to her that we just do not always even comprehend our blessings! HOW wonderful that we can move our limbs, eat our food, scratch at whatever itches! HOW sad that we take all these things for granted. BUT, it is when we see others that are so limited, that we must always treat them with the utmost kindness and love and then thank our Heavenly Father that we have been so very blessed!And, we should ALWAYS pray for those who do not have all that we have been so very blessed to have! I had no idea that Shawnie would react as she did! I did NOT even think, until that moment, to explain how really important it was, to that family, that I did help them at night. I was so moved that Shawnie would be so mature and self-sacrificing! At such a young age, to tell me that he needed me more than she did! I just wept along with her! How grateful I am for the whisperings of the spirit that led me to explain more fully to Shawnie, just what I was doing each night I did work!

And, she has been true to her word! She has NOT complained as I have had to leave around 7 pm the nights I do work. She will tell me that she is going to miss me, and I hug and kiss her and tell her that I will really miss being with her! IT is still so hard to leave my own beautiful children as I do go off to work! IT is such an amazing blessing to me, though, that I can tell my children that I am not just working for a paycheck, but, I am truly being of service to this family that has been given such an enormous challenge to deal with for the life of this child.

How blessed we are to have the use of our senses, our limbs, our voices! May we thank the LORD for all these gifts and use them always to bless others, never to hurt or harm our brothers and sisters here upon this earth!

MAY I BE HIS HANDS!

April was such a busy month! BUT, it was such a joy-filled month as well! I was so very blessed to have three of my daughters return home! Kathryn, who is 21, was serving a mission for our church in Phoenix, Arizona. She was gone for 19 LONG months! SO, to see her coming down the stairs at the Salt Lake City Airport, well, I was overwhelmed! FOR the first week that she was home, every time, and I mean EVERY TIME I saw her, I just wept! It was so wonderful to have her home. I have likewise wept at the blessing of having my other two daughters return home from Minnesota. Colleen, who had been gone for almost 2 years, was so sorely missed! I am so very grateful that she took us up on the offer to come home after Kathryn and I flew to Minnesota to have Kathryn see her father and her sisters and new nephew, Trevor! Bonnie and Scott's little Trevor is so adorable! IT was such an amazing thing to see my oldest daughter excel in her mothering! FOR so many years, she had told me that she did NOT wish to have any children! BUT, after waiting for 7 years, I guess the time was right and she has now exclaimed that she wants to have more children, she finally understands why I wanted to have so many beautiful little babies come join our family! Carrie Ann had been staying with Bonnie and Scott to help with Trevor. I was able to be there for his birth, but, being a single, working Mom, I could NOT stay as long as I wanted, and so, Carrie took my place. She was a wonderful help and yet, again, was sorely missed by me at home!

And, it is with great anticipation that we look forward to Bonnie and Scott and Trevor moving in with us come August, so that they can find work, find a home of their own and just be near us. I will then be in heaven! There just is NO greater JOY for me, than to have ALL of my children close!

I have started a couple of posts, and yet, with all the hubbub of life right now, I have been unable to complete them. I will soon....
FOR today, I just would like to share my gratitude for the blessings of having so many wonderful, amazing, awesome, outstanding and beautiful children! I am so humbled that I would be so very blessed! I am so very grateful that we have a HEAVENLY FAMILY! Heavenly Parents, an OLDER BROTHER and it is so awesome that we are all spirit children of our Heavenly Parents! I am also overwhelmed at the love THEY have for all of US! THAT was no more evident then when our Savior came down to this earth, took on a mortal frame and lived a perfect life, so as to show us the way! AND, what was HIS reward for living so perfectly? HE was condemned, persecuted, tried and finally crucified on the Cross at Calvary. BUT, that was NOT all, he took upon HIMSELF the sins of ALL those who would ever live here on this earth.....for you and for me, he atoned for all of our sins. HE then died for us, so that we might LIVE again! AND, if we choose to live by HIS laws, obey HIS and the Father's commandments, we will live with THEM again, forever, to never again be separated from THEM or from our FAMILIES! HOW precious this truth is to me! HOW great is my gratitude for that, the greatest gift, the greatest act of mercy and love for all of us! Amazingly, all we have to do to partake of this incredible gift of eternal life and exaltation---or immortality and life forever with GOD and Jesus, the Holy Ghost and our Heavenly Mother, is to accept the Atonement,Be BAPTIZED as HE was; accept Jesus as OUR divine Savior and Redeemer and live a life as close to HIS as we possibly can!

I weep when I think of the beauty of this plan of happiness, where we can earn the right to live with our Heavenly Family and Earthly Family FOREVER!

I recently had an experience that brought the reality of this most precious gift with full force into my heart and mind....

I was in a hurry to get to work. I work nights as a private duty nurse. I work 8 pm to 4 am. It was last Monday,(exactly a week ago today!) as I was on my way to work, that I had planned to go to Sam's Club. My children were involved in Soccer and they all needed TREATS for their teams and their coaches! SO, with three teams, and three coaches, I decided it would be far more cost efficient to buy in bulk! I had a gift card with about $40 on it, and I had about that much in cash as well. I took my purchases quickly to the check-out. I gave the cashier my gift card first and asked her to run it first. She did. BUT, it came back declined! I was shocked! I KNEW the money was ON that CARD! I asked her to please run it again. This she did. Once again, it was declined. I do not know if that has ever happened to anyone else, but, it is SO embarrassing! I did NOT have another way to pay and the total exceeded my cash on hand. The total was $69.01! I began telling the cashier which items to take back in order to have enough money to pay my bill. Meanwhile, there was a family standing in line next to me. The gentleman approached me after we had started taking items back. He looked into my eyes, and simply said, " Will you allow me to do this?" I said, "What??" He said, "Will you allow me to pay for your groceries?
I will run it through on my card." I was dumbfounded! I was overwhelmed! I said, "I do have the money, I can give you all my cash and there is $36.00 on this card, I KNOW that there is!" He said, " NO, I do NOT want your money or your card. Please just allow me to do this for you." I began to cry. I said, "Why? Why would you do this?" He said, " Just consider this your lucky day!" I was shocked! I hesitated and he began talking to the cashier. He told her to ring back up all the items she had deleted from the bill, then, he ran his card! I was, of course, still in tears! I asked if there was ANYTHING I could do to repay him, he nodded no, and just smiled! I walked out of Sam's Club, I began to quickly load the car with the groceries, fearing I would be late for work! My benefactor came out with his wife and disabled son. I was still in tears, and I thanked them again. They just smiled and said, "YOU are most welcome!"

It took awhile to recover. I have been so very blessed! I have been the recipient of so much kindness, so many acts of service and love! I feel so very unworthy of all that I have been given!

As I pondered again, yesterday, about this very event that started my week, I thought how similar that is to what the Savior does for us, did for us and is STILL DOING FOR EACH OF US! HE merely asks, "WILL YOU ALLOW ME TO HELP YOU? WILL YOU ALLOW ME TO TAKE THIS BURDEN FROM YOU?" SO often, I have doggedly refused HIS proffered, FREE gift! I have felt that I MUST somehow do it all alone! I must NOT rely on ANYONE! And, yet, HE is still there, offering to HELP ANYONE OF US that are willing to allow HIM TO HELP us! ALL HE asks is that we accept HIM and HIS GIFT!

I thought, one day, I too want to be able to do for someone else what was done for me. I have had the opportunity to do it on a MUCH, MUCH smaller scale. A couple of times, I have been able to provide the needed change for someone in line ahead of me, when they were just a bit short. NOTHING CLOSE to $69.01! But, hopefully, and actually I KNOW, it is NOT the size of the gift we are willing to offer our brothers and sisters! IT is just that in our hearts we would and we do what and when we can!

THEN I reflect on that most precious of gifts given to me, that of my own birth provided to me by my angel mother and my father....and the spiritual rebirth made available by OUR SAVIOR, even Jesus the Christ! ONE day, I pray, I will be worthy and able to enter HIS presence and kneel at HIS feet, bathe his feet with my tears, and kiss the nail prints in HIS hands and feet. ONE day, I pray, I will be able to tell HIM in PERSON, how GREAT HE IS, HOW GRATEFUL I am for HIS ATONING SACRIFICE! AND for HIS perfect light and life! What a sacred and holy and blessed day that will be!

Until that time, what can I DO? Well, I can be more and more like that HUMAN savior at Sam's Club! I can seek out those in need around me! I can pray to have a far more observant heart and to have an increased awareness of those around me that might just need that hug, that smile, that note of encouragement. I pray that I can live my life more determined to do SO much MORE good! TO BE HIS HANDS! TO show in every word and deed, that I am a true disciple of MY SAVIOR, Jesus Christ! TO have everyone around me feel HIS LOVE for them THROUGH ME! That is my constant prayer! MAY I NEVER FORGET all that HAS been done for me, by the angels HE has sent to me, and MOST ESPECIALLY, BY our LORD as well.

TITHING, A PRINCIPLE and COMMANDMENT with a PROMISE

I would like to dedicate this post to a very dear friend, Randy. We were friends over 32 years ago, and just recently reconnected. It is amazing how time flies! I remember some of the times we shared--- as if it were just yesterday.

One of the things that I remember about Randy, was his great faith and obedience. We were discussing in either a fireside or Sunday School lesson the law of Tithing. Randy volunteered the fact that paying tithing was NOT a difficult principle for him. I remember him saying that he would just place his tithing in a jar, and it was NEVER even a temptation to spend the "Lord's Money!" I was in awe of that! I did NOT have a problem paying tithing myself---in that I wanted to pay it and I was happy to do so....but, for me, I had to pay it immediately, because if I did leave it laying around, I would be tempted to use it and rationalize that I could just replace it! OR, my memory has never been super---so, if I did NOT pay it, I would sometimes actually forget it was NOT mine to spend! For me, I just knew the safest way to go, was to pay my tithing immediately and then I had a peace about having done what I needed and wanted to do.

I remember my father teaching us about his experience with tithing. FOR those who may not know what I mean when I mention the word, TITHING----it is, to those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints---one-tenth of all our increase or income. IT is left to the individual to determine just what that increase is. FOR those who are farming or who own businesses, I imagine it is a far more difficult matter to determine. Since I have always been employed, either as a babysitter in my earliest teens, to a nurse now, I have always rounded up to the nearest dollar---- the "gross pay" which was on my pay stub.

Anyway, my father served a mission to Leeds, England in the 1950's. His father and mother were not actively attending church and so, did NOT pay tithing; among other things. (my grandfather served in the Navy, and had tattoo's, smoked like a chimney and drank like the sailor he was! In our church, we do not drink alcohol, coffee, tea or use tobacco. My father's parents did many of the things we were taught to avoid like the plague.) IT has been a great blessing to me that my parents, both of which came from families that were not actively living the gospel principles, chose to become stalwarts in living our religion. My deep gratitude for their choice is ETERNAL! But, back to the story.....my father knew that his father was NOT paying tithing. He decided, therefore, to pay tithing on the money that his father sent to him to support him while he was on his mission. I do not remember if my father told Grandpa about this, my guess is that he did NOT disclose it. I am guessing that had my father told grandpa he was paying tithing on the money he sent to my father, that Grandpa would have either sent much less or none at all! Well, my father told us that he did NOT keep track of how much money he had from day to day or even month to month! (that is so very hard to imagine, since my father---all through my childhood to the present---has had my mother record EVERY SINGLE PENNY that is received, spent etc!) But, my father's great faith and obedience to the law of tithing was well rewarded. He said he NEVER went without. He even had people approach him for money, as he was at one point, the branch president, and he would give freely of his resources. He said, when there was a need, he would just go to the chest where he kept the money, and would take whatever was needed at any given time, and there was ALWAYS sufficient for his needs.

Then came the end of his mission. He had less than a month left, and he was confident that he would not need any more support money from his parents, so, he told them not to send the last month's funds. Unfortunately, he had NOT checked his chest and when he had just over two weeks left, he discovered that the chest was EMPTY! He nearly gave in to panic, but, decided that he could economize. There were things he had planned to do as he left England, (some sightseeing and such--which is NOT an option for today's missionary---but was totally acceptable back then) which he just decided he would have to fore go. With emotion, I recall my father telling us that just as he was sure he would have to fore go those plans, and he was trying to figure out how to pay for his fare home, a check came in the mail from his father. The check that my father had told his father NOT to send! He was able to pay his tithing, fulfill all his plans and make it safely home.

It is my witness that he was blessed for paying tithing. I have NOT had to live on my father's testimony alone. I, too, have been richly rewarded as I have paid my tithing faithfully for all the years that I have earned any income.

I recall a time during the first very lean years of my marriage. We had paid our tithing, but, had no money left for food. I had made a commitment to visit the young women that were my responsibility as the young woman's president. We had just filled the tank, so we had the gas to do so, yet, I wondered if we dared to go, with absolutely no money left. But, in faith, my husband and I set out to fulfill my commitment. At this time, we did not have any children yet. I cannot remember how many of the youth we visited, but, I do recall that we left the farthest location for last. I remember visiting with the young lady; Linda, and I was so grateful that we had chosen to see her, it was such a sweet visit with her and her mother. As we started to leave, Sister Dixon called me back and said that she had something for me. I was surprised, I could not imagine what she could possibly have for me. Tears welled up in my eyes, as she presented me with two-- full to the brim, bags of fresh vegetables, fruits and food from their farm. There was NO doubt in my mind that God was the one who had inspired that good woman to share with us their food, so that we did not go hungry that week.

It was a shock to me when I discovered that my husband was NOT paying our tithing once we had relocated to Minnesota. After all the times that we had been so richly blessed by paying our tithes, I just could NOT believe that this was now a commandment that he would not keep. IT is my belief that his disobedience to this principle made it easier for him to then give up observing other gospel principles, and that led DIRECTLY to the demise of our family. I pray that my children will be far more wise and obedient!

During our divorce, while I was living in an apartment, I remember Christopher handing me a "budget" that his father had devised, proving that I could make ends meet with the extremely limited funds. I took one look at the budget and noticed immediately the LACK of TITHING listed. I pointed that out to Christopher and he replied, "Yes, I know, Dad said that you cannot now afford to pay tithing!" I told Christopher, "HONEY, WE CANNOT AFFORD TO NOT PAY OUR TITHING!" And, so it is...

It is my witness and sincere testimony that tithing IS a principle with a promise. I know without a doubt that if I do pay an honest tithe, then I never need fear. OUR needs will be met. I rarely know HOW those needs will be met, but, I KNOW that they will. I have had miracles occur far too often to deny. IT is to me a perfect knowledge that GOD will provide when we show we have the faith to PAY HIM FIRST! Someone said that we do not pay tithing with money, we pay it with faith! That is so true!

I cannot even begin to list all of the times that Heavenly Father has provided for me and my children. I remember when we first moved to Utah. I did NOT have a job yet, and the support payments were not coming in with any kind of regularity. I remember crying in my heart, wondering how I was going to find the money to feed all my 10 children. I just had NO MONEY! I do not even know now why, but, one of my children brought to me a box of books that we had not yet unpacked. I began to unpack the box and as I lifted a book out of the box, money just fell into my lap from inside the book! It was not just a few dollars----it was over $100! I do not know how that money got into that book, I do NOT know why at the very moment of my greatest need, a child of mine was prompted to bring to me that box where that money was. I cannot explain away that miracle. I can not explain any of the miracles. I can only testify that there IS A GOD in the HEAVENS! AND, OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD! HE will provide. HE DOES KEEP HIS PROMISES TO THOSE WHO, in faith, follow HIM. I am so very grateful for HIS constant DIVINE INTERVENTIONS in my life and those of my children. I am humbled that HE DOES HEAR AND ANSWER my petitions. And, though my 10 percent is often just a pittance! I am so very grateful that HE does allow me the privilege to give back to HIM, even though it is so small an amount! I am so very happy and pleased that I can show in this small way, my constant gratitude for HIS constant care.

The HAND of GOD in our lives.....

I was called in to substitute teach a Seminary class this past Wednesday. I enjoy teaching about the gospel and sharing my testimony that GOD does in fact live and IS as involved in our lives as we are willing to allow HIM. AND, even if we do NOT allow HIM, HE is still there!

Anyway, I was supposed to have the class watch a short video about the Apostle Paul and then have the class fill out a worksheet. The final question on the page, asked the students to reflect upon their lives and share any thing that they knew they had experienced that had help mold them and shape them into what the Lord needed them to be or to do. I was struck by the beauty of God's workmanship in the lives of HIS servants and HIS prophets. It is an awesome thing to look at HIS HAND in their lives.

Take Moses for instance. He was miraculously preserved and taken into Pharaoh's own household, where he received the training and the education and the tutoring that never would have otherwise been possible. And yet, he was also nurtured by his own mother and taught somewhat of the Hebrews thanks to Miriam---his sister's quick response to the Pharaoh's Daughter who found Moses and pulled him to safety; out of the bulrushes and raised him as her own child.

Paul, likewise, was tutored and trained in ways not normally available to those around him. He was a Roman citizen, which allowed him greater freedoms than other Jews were granted. And, because of this, he was able to converse with and gain audience with those in high positions of power----such as King Agrippa! And on and on it goes...the Lord's hand provides the weaving of the tapestry of ALL OUR LIVES so that we each can fulfill our own unique missions while we sojourn upon this earth. It is totally up to us as to whether we avail ourselves to or even acknowledge HIS intricate patterns as HE weaves.

As I tried to share my own fervent testimony that this is the TRUTH---THAT we each do have a mission here on earth and the LORD is involved in our preparation and our paths, I shared just a couple of examples from my own life. I will share them with you now. I am in no way comparing myself to any of the Lord's anointed. I am NO PROPHET. BUT, I do wish to be HIS HANDS while I am here on this earth. One of the ways I feel HE has allowed me to do that--- is by being a mother. I had always wanted to be the mother of a dozen children. I just always wanted my home filled with many children from the time I was very young. And, Heavenly Father provided a means for me to prepare for that role. When I was about 15, our church would meet on Sundays for Sunday School and Sacrament Meeting. But, because in Marquette Michigan, our members traveled great distances to attend, we also had our Priesthood for the men and Relief Society for the women on Sundays as well. This meant that the children were unsupervised for just over an hour. Well, the youth were asked if they would assist in tending the children while their parents were in these additional Sunday meetings. Unfortunately, only two youth volunteered. It was my sister Stacie and myself. SO, Stacie was given an adult to help her tend the children between the ages of 3-11, while I was given the toddlers and infants to 2 years old. I had about 10-12 babies each Sunday. I was alone, in a fairly good sized room and I would just take each baby, one by one and feed them, and then change their diapers and then just go around holding and loving them until their parents came to claim them. I am not sure how many children my sister and the adult woman had, but, I am sure it was probably close to 20! For my part, I LOVED my babies. I was in heaven. Little did I know that I would, myself have 11 of my own babies to love and care for as an adult! I know that the years that I was blessed to care for all those sweet babies, did help prepare me for the demands of having all my own children.

Around this same time period, as I planned what courses I would take during my high school education, there was a great deal of peer pressure AGAINST taking homemaking courses. I am not sure why this was, and I was even more unsure as to WHY I succumbed! I always wanted to be a wife, a homemaker and a mother. AND, the courses of cooking, sewing etc. were essential courses! BUT, those who took those courses were demeaned and made to feel as though they were less intelligent for taking those courses. ( NOT too many years later, I truly lamented my poor choices in courses and that I had NOT taken any Home Economic courses! ) But, instead, I signed up for Anatomy and Physiology, Biology, Integrated Chemistry and Physics---for two years! etc. I struggled with the math and the science courses, but, I would not yield, I stayed the course of taking all the difficult courses. I went into Nursing, and after becoming a Licensed Practical Nurse, worked for 2 years before marrying and beginning the family I had always wanted. My education---(for I did want to get my RN or B.S.N)...was quickly placed on the shelf as I settled into doing what my heart wanted all along---and what I had dreamed of---finally became a reality and I was blessed with all my beautiful babies!

It was not until 2006 (nearly 30 years AFTER my graduation from High School!) when I saw the reason for the weaving of the tapestry of my life's high school course choices. I was on trial and fighting for the custody of my 8 minor children. I had chosen to home-school them once again---after the divorce. We had moved to Utah and I had complied with the court's order to enroll them in public school upon our arrival in Utah. But, since none of my children had ever been in a school setting, it was such a shock, AND, coupled with the divorce---the rending of our family---well, the children were floundering. AND so, I decided that it would be best to home school, once again. I was not at all aware that it would mean I could lose my children. BUT, my ex-husband, who has always had the means to have the very best legal representation---used this "breach in the divorce decree" ( my return to home educating my children) to alter custody. IT was the fight of my life. I was in shock. I had no idea that I would come so very close to losing my children. BUT, there I was, in the most adversarial of situations. And, the opposing attorney was attempting to portray me as an ignorant woman, who was--for all my adult years, barefoot and pregnant and knew little else. As he began to interrogate me, he asked, so very snidely, "Can you read?" I said that of course I could read! He then asked me what courses I had taken in High School. I was unprepared for the shock that rippled through the courtroom as I felt the strength of the LORD whispering what my response should be....I began to state the Honor's English classes, and the Anatomy and Physiology and ended with the Integrated Chemistry and Physics! ( My ex-husband obviously did NOT know that I had taken such courses in High School because his attorney was silent for a time!) It was tangible, the shift in attitude. It was THEN I realized how far back Heavenly Father had been preparing me for that pivotal moment in time! I was so very humbled that HE would have cared so about my maintaining custody of my children, to have so weaved the tapestry of my life! (I am sure it also helped to be able to share with the court that my oldest son, who had been home schooled exclusively by me, had just taken his GED in order to get into college and he had scored in the top 5 percent of the entire nation!!! So, clearly, I had NOT failed my children in their education.)

That two-day court appearance was without a doubt, the very worst experience of my life in many ways. I was in tears, sobbing as the judge raised her voice and refused to allow me to explain the answers the opposing attorney was extracting from me. Yet, through-out the horror, I felt my Heavenly Father's strength and I knew HE was assisting me, bringing answers to my mind and enlightening me as to what I needed to say.

I was told the judge would deliberate and her decision would be made and communicated to me prior to the beginning of the school year. The trial was held the last two days of July in 2006. I can not even begin to relate the agony of those weeks which stretched into months. Finally, when I felt I could endure the agony of NOT KNOWING whether I would retain custody of my children or not----I remember praying fervently, as I was sitting outside the school, waiting for my children to finish their recess. I just began weeping and petitioning the Lord for my children. It was now NOVEMBER! I went home and noticed that my attorney had called. I called her back and she told me that she knew I would be distraught at not knowing, so she said she had not even read the entire brief, but, that she had read enough to know that though there were stipulations, I was, in fact, being permitted to retain custody! As I write this account, my eyes are filled with tears as the memory of that ordeal is still so poignant and raw. I can not recall the trial or the call from my attorney without shedding tears afresh.

BUT, again, I say with all the fervor of my being, that GOD DOES LIVE! That JESUS IS THE CHRIST! THE HOLY GHOST DOES whisper and CAN AND WILL reveal the Lord's will to us, if we will but listen! I know this, because I have had to rely upon the GODHEAD so very often in my life. And, I KNOW that if THEY are willing to be there for me---an insignificant, weak and most unworthy vessel, THEY are most assuredly available and willing to be there for YOU! For all of us! WE are ALL important to THEM! I praise THEIR NAMES forever and I know I am nothing without THEM! I have done nothing on my own....I am so very grateful none of us are required to do any of this alone! I pray that I will be found worthy to do whatever is needed to be THEIR hands while I remain on this earth.

Random Musings

January 13, 2009 at just minutes before 4 p.m., my firstborn, my daughter, Bonnie, had her first child. He came into the world after many difficult hours of labor and was 8 pounds, 2 ounces, 21 inches long and had an amazing head of thick, long dark hair! It is impossible for me to articulate the jumble of emotions that surrounded that blessed event. I could not help recall my own travail for each of my own beautiful 11 babies. My heart went out to Bonnie as I watched her suffering---knowing I would willingly have taken the pain for her, but, alas, that of course was an impossibility. I wished that I was back in time and was the one in travail, wishing with all my heart that I could relive the moments just after each of my precious babies were placed in MY ARMS! I watched in awe as I saw the same wonderment and fulfillment fill my daughter's eyes as Trevor was handed to her. I saw firsthand the circle of life and I was mesmerized by the colossal beauty of this divine process. And, I knew, that though the pain was just moments past, that pain would soon be swallowed up and swiftly forgotten as the love and the inherent miracle of birth, bound up those fleeting feelings of suffering and in its place allows only the deepest reverence and love to remain.

Trevor has not been a baby that sleeps much, if at all. The ironic thing is that my last post relating to my children was about Carrie Ann, and she too, was not a baby that would ever sleep or eat! I was fortunate if I was able to snatch 45 minutes at a time--of sleep, for the first 6 months of Carrie's life! And, Carrie Ann was the babe that introduced me to the world of mastitis! Yet, I could not have loved her more. I found that there was nothing that my children could do that would keep me from loving them so fiercely and so deeply, that in an instant, then as now, I would gladly give my life for them or do whatever feat might be required to keep them safe. I find it also ironic that it is now Carrie Ann that is staying with Bonnie, Scott and Trevor as the helper I would dearly love to be if so many states did NOT divide us from each other! Having 6 children still at home, and being a single Mom with a job----I could only take one precious week to be with Bonnie as she entered the world of parenting! I wish with all my heart that I could be as close, if not closer to her as I am so very blessed to be to my son, Christopher, Susie and my little grand-daughter. I am so very grateful for the awesome blessing I have to babysit my Becca three days a week---on average----while her parents attend school. I am praying for the day to swiftly arrive when Bonnie, Scott and Trevor will be nearer, so that I can be the Grandmother I have always longed to be for my children's children!

It is such an incredible experience to be given this instructive perspective first as a child---and if we focus we do NOT have to lose that perspective or any of those we gain as we grow and mature!!! It has been invaluable to recall how I did feel as a child, or as a teen or as a young mother when mentoring those I love most and those I wish to assist! (Which is everyone that would appreciate encouragement and love~!) It also serves to humble and continue the tutoring from on high, when I see how I would reach out to prevent certain hurts and pain, yet, I know because of my maturation process, I can NOT. IF I were to remove those pains and sorrows, much of the character building would be diminished if not vanish altogether. SO, I watch as I see MY HEAVENLY FATHER, allowing me to suffer the pains of my travail of my own spirit and character. AT times, I am submissive and humble and think to THANK HIM for this wondrous process of development and growth. Then, sadly, there are STILL TIMES when I shrink and shout at the heavens for the inevitable pain that comes from my own poor choices or folly or misguided actions. I pray that I will live long enough and REMEMBER WELL ENOUGH AND to THANK THE LORD GOD IN ALL THINGS!!! AND,also, to mellow to the point where I never again charge my Heavenly Father falsely! I am nearing a century of this life's experiences. I pray that I can become a more grateful, sober, kind, thoughtful, loving and obedient Child of GOD! I pray that my children will see my weaknesses and have the good sense to only replicate any strengths that they may see in me or others, and eliminate any of the negative examples, regardless of where they were seen!

I am so very grateful for the opportunity I have had to be a mother and now a grandmother. I look forward eagerly to the day when OUR family will be together here on the earth and in the eternities.

Carrie Ann Hildebrandt----part two!

Carrie was probably my most difficult baby! I can say that now, after having had 11! She would NOT sleep and she would NOT nurse well at all. It was Carrie that introduced me to wonderful world of mastitis! I was so very miserable. I think back and I marvel that I was able to endure the well over 6 months of no sleep! I had 4 little children to watch in addition to trying everything I could think of---day and night---to quiet Carrie and encourage her to eat and sleep. NOTHING worked! I remember being so very weary and pleading with my husband if he would just take one night feeding for me, so I could try and sleep for longer than 45 minutes at a time. He was appalled that I would even ask....he later told me that he had talked to those at the Dental School, where he was attending to get his masters, and he also spoke with those he worked with at the Mall Dental Practice in Detroit. He told me that everyone he spoke with shared his disbelief that I would even ask him to sacrifice HIS sleep when he was working and going to school... after all, I WAS JUST a stay at home mom, so what else was I required to do but take care of the children!!! I felt betrayed and alone and hurt beyond belief!

It was during this same time period that a dear friend came over to see what she could do to help me as I was struggling with the mastitis and sleep deprivation. I shared with her my fears that I had made a horrible mistake. She thought I was referring to having so many babies so close together. I assured her that was NOT my mistake, I loved my children and had always wanted a dozen. I had wanted my children close together so that they would have a strong bond with each other! NO, the mistake I felt sure I had made was in my choice of a companion. It was increasingly clear that he was not interested in being a true companion to me. It was a bitter revelation. But, one that I did nothing about until my hand was forced 11 long and bitter years later!

Anyway, back to Carrie! She did finally settle down. It is so ironic to me that at this moment in time, Carrie is in Minnesota assisting her oldest sister with her firstborn son----Trevor. And, as it so happens, Trevor is so very similar to Carrie! HE too has NOT been able to sleep for any length of time---just short cat-naps! And, he too, has had difficulty in nursing. He, too, introduced Bonnie to the world of mastitis! And, it has been vital for Carrie to be there so that she can watch the baby while Bonnie and Scott are able to get some rest! I am so very proud of the fact that Carrie has been willing to sacrifice her time and dreams for this moment to help her sister make the transition to motherhood! I wish I could be the one to be there, caring for both my daughter and my new grandson! What a blessing to be able to send Carrie to take my place, since I still have 6 children at home who need me and depend upon me. I also can not take that kind of time off work either. Being a single mom does have its many limitations!!! But, with the wonderful, awesome, amazing children I have been so blessed to bear---they are for each other exactly what I hoped and prayed that they would be! THEY do have a strong bond of love and concern for each other that is beautiful to behold!

There just is nothing else on this earth as precious to me as my children. It is the greatest joy to see them grow, mature and serve not only each other, but all those around them. Having a son and a daughter serve missions for our church also has been a rich reward.

Carrie was asked to participate in the Miss Bear River Valley pageant this past summer. Again, I was in awe at her poise, her beauty both inward and outward! Her talent posed a huge dilemma. She is an artist, and she wanted to draw a portrait of the Savior to reverent music. The problem, they would ONLY allow her two minutes to complete the portrait. She could NOT begin it early, she could NOT complete it on stage, it ALL had to be done before the audience within the two minute time frame. I was in awe as I watched Carrie practice and practice to get her drawing done within the 2 minute time frame. She went from completing the portrait in 10 minutes to finally mastering it within the 2 minutes! IT was NOT the quality that she had hoped, but, I was amazed at how well she did and what a great portrait she was able to produce. I have witnessed her indomitable spirit all throughout her life. She is constantly beset with setbacks, and yet, I watch her square her shoulders and begin again, as often as she must to finally succeed! She is a marvelous daughter and I cherish our relationship!

PROPHETS AND APOSTLES ARE ONCE AGAIN ON THE EARTH!!!

Yes! It is TRUE! We do have a Prophet and 12 Apostles that are directed and guided by Jesus Christ and God, our Eternal Father! It is THE greatest GOOD NEWS possible! And, I just want to share that with the world! I am so very grateful that we are so very blessed to have divine direction and revelation once again on the earth! And, every six months, we are privileged to hear them speak! It is the highlight of my year to spend two days just listening to the Prophet and his counselors and the members of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles! As well as the leaders of the women's auxiliaries and the Quorum of the 70.

My children and I have, for years, made this semi-annual event one of the most valued and most anticipated of all events! TO think that we are able to hear the word of GOD given to HIS Prophet and Apostles! It is truly a spiritual feast! AND, I know that I always am so very grateful that we are so blessed!

For years, it was necessary for us to travel to the church and listen to these great men and women via a satellite broadcast. AND, as my husband worked Saturdays, if I wanted to attend, it required a huge effort on my part to get all the children dressed in Sunday Dress, pack whatever provisions we needed, ie. diapers, lunches and quiet toys, to keep all the children quiet and reverent. The broadcast would begin around 11 am and last until 1 pm, with a two hour break, and then there would be the next session that began at 3 pm and last until 5 pm. To conserve on gas and the hassle of gathering all the children---(which, I had up to 9 children while we were in Michigan and of course, all 11 children in Minnesota!) I would just pack for the entire day! Eventually, I hit upon the idea to have the older children rewarded if they were taking notes and paying attention! I brought candy and goodies for all the children that were quiet and reverent enough to allow me to listen to what was being said!

Now, it was completely selfish, my rewarding the children for their reverence! I wanted more than anything, to listen and to learn! FOR me, this was the OIL that I needed to fill my lamp---so to speak! I knew that I would be a much better wife, mother, friend, and neighbor, if I was able to hear what the messages from a Prophet of God! AND, I yearned so for the spiritual renewal that accompanied their messages, and their very spirits! Little did I know that I was planting seeds that would bring forth great fruit! You see, it never occurred to me that anyone would NOT want to participate in Conference! I just never could fathom anyone NOT valuing this sacred privilege to sit, so to speak, at the Prophet's feet!

And, that attitude has been transferred to my children----perhaps it is just the treats that they yearn for, but, in time, I pray it will be far more that they look forward to. For the older children that have already left the nest, I believe that they do consider Conference as valuable as I always have.

I just received today, an email from my daughter who is currently serving a mission for our church. She thanked me for her "conference treat box!" and told me that it provided great comfort to her to know that though we could not be with each other, at least we were all watching conference together---though the distances divide, we were united in our faith, our worship and the messages that we heard, those, we were able to share! She told me how grateful she was that I had always made the sacrifice to take all the children with me and to make it a rewarding experience. You see, many of their friends' parents would take turns attending sessions, so that the children did not have to sit through so many hours of church! But, to me, it was an honor to feel the spirit that was so strongly with those men and women of GOD! And, I was probably even more anxious to listen to all the sessions, because as a youth, we were in Marquette, Michigan and the area stations would only broadcast one session of the five! I had always wished that we could hear each and every session; but it just was NOT a possibility!

SO, my joy was full when I was newly married and I discovered that if we would just go to the Stake Center, where the satellite dish was, we could hear and see every session! What a blessing that has been to me for all these near 30 years! There are some talks that I will never ever forget, as long as I live! There are some moments, where the spirit was so very strong, that there just could be no doubt that a Prophet of GOD was speaking!

I am so very humbled that our Heavenly Father cares so very much about EACH of US that HE provides a Prophet, Apostles and other wonderful, dedicated and worthy leaders to guide, direct and lead us. These awesome men and women are much like the Savior, in that they live exemplary lives and radiate such a light that it just fills my soul with great joy and peace. I am so very grateful for them, for this gospel of Jesus Christ and for the daily help that is available to us all, if we will just pray earnestly! HE DOES HEAR and ANSWER our Prayers! And, HE does speak to HIS PROPHET and APOSTLES and HE DOES DIRECT HIS CHURCH---PERSONALLY! WE DO HAVE AN AWESOME GOD!