Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Random Musings

January 13, 2009 at just minutes before 4 p.m., my firstborn, my daughter, Bonnie, had her first child. He came into the world after many difficult hours of labor and was 8 pounds, 2 ounces, 21 inches long and had an amazing head of thick, long dark hair! It is impossible for me to articulate the jumble of emotions that surrounded that blessed event. I could not help recall my own travail for each of my own beautiful 11 babies. My heart went out to Bonnie as I watched her suffering---knowing I would willingly have taken the pain for her, but, alas, that of course was an impossibility. I wished that I was back in time and was the one in travail, wishing with all my heart that I could relive the moments just after each of my precious babies were placed in MY ARMS! I watched in awe as I saw the same wonderment and fulfillment fill my daughter's eyes as Trevor was handed to her. I saw firsthand the circle of life and I was mesmerized by the colossal beauty of this divine process. And, I knew, that though the pain was just moments past, that pain would soon be swallowed up and swiftly forgotten as the love and the inherent miracle of birth, bound up those fleeting feelings of suffering and in its place allows only the deepest reverence and love to remain.

Trevor has not been a baby that sleeps much, if at all. The ironic thing is that my last post relating to my children was about Carrie Ann, and she too, was not a baby that would ever sleep or eat! I was fortunate if I was able to snatch 45 minutes at a time--of sleep, for the first 6 months of Carrie's life! And, Carrie Ann was the babe that introduced me to the world of mastitis! Yet, I could not have loved her more. I found that there was nothing that my children could do that would keep me from loving them so fiercely and so deeply, that in an instant, then as now, I would gladly give my life for them or do whatever feat might be required to keep them safe. I find it also ironic that it is now Carrie Ann that is staying with Bonnie, Scott and Trevor as the helper I would dearly love to be if so many states did NOT divide us from each other! Having 6 children still at home, and being a single Mom with a job----I could only take one precious week to be with Bonnie as she entered the world of parenting! I wish with all my heart that I could be as close, if not closer to her as I am so very blessed to be to my son, Christopher, Susie and my little grand-daughter. I am so very grateful for the awesome blessing I have to babysit my Becca three days a week---on average----while her parents attend school. I am praying for the day to swiftly arrive when Bonnie, Scott and Trevor will be nearer, so that I can be the Grandmother I have always longed to be for my children's children!

It is such an incredible experience to be given this instructive perspective first as a child---and if we focus we do NOT have to lose that perspective or any of those we gain as we grow and mature!!! It has been invaluable to recall how I did feel as a child, or as a teen or as a young mother when mentoring those I love most and those I wish to assist! (Which is everyone that would appreciate encouragement and love~!) It also serves to humble and continue the tutoring from on high, when I see how I would reach out to prevent certain hurts and pain, yet, I know because of my maturation process, I can NOT. IF I were to remove those pains and sorrows, much of the character building would be diminished if not vanish altogether. SO, I watch as I see MY HEAVENLY FATHER, allowing me to suffer the pains of my travail of my own spirit and character. AT times, I am submissive and humble and think to THANK HIM for this wondrous process of development and growth. Then, sadly, there are STILL TIMES when I shrink and shout at the heavens for the inevitable pain that comes from my own poor choices or folly or misguided actions. I pray that I will live long enough and REMEMBER WELL ENOUGH AND to THANK THE LORD GOD IN ALL THINGS!!! AND,also, to mellow to the point where I never again charge my Heavenly Father falsely! I am nearing a century of this life's experiences. I pray that I can become a more grateful, sober, kind, thoughtful, loving and obedient Child of GOD! I pray that my children will see my weaknesses and have the good sense to only replicate any strengths that they may see in me or others, and eliminate any of the negative examples, regardless of where they were seen!

I am so very grateful for the opportunity I have had to be a mother and now a grandmother. I look forward eagerly to the day when OUR family will be together here on the earth and in the eternities.

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