I have been pondering life, and how different it has actually been from what I ever dreamed it would be, in some ways. Funny how age can change your vantage point! I remember ALWAYS wanting a dozen children! I knew from very early on, I wanted to be A MOM! THAT dream and that part of my life, well, it has been a dream come true! Each child has brought to me more than I could ever have given in return. The life lessons learned from each child, well, it would take volumes! SO, my choice to have children, and being blessed to have so many has been a dream come true. I know in my heart that my husband was the one who was to allow me that great honor and privilege. FOR that, I will ALWAYS LOVE and APPRECIATE him. He has qualities that I want my children to emulate and his example in many areas will bless their lives eternally.
For example, he is very organized and neat. He is very talented artistically. He is very dedicated and determined and has been very successful because he is also willing to pay the price to succeed. He does not do anything without investing all he has into the venture. That is what first attracted me to him. Though he was raised Catholic, he joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and he made it a priority to learn all he could about his new found faith. Rarely did I ever encounter an individual that had studied the gospel to the degree that I had. UNTIL I met GARY! He had gained a level of understanding in just the two short years as a member, that was equal to that of all my years of learning to date. Well, he did still have some things he had not learned, but, he was anxious and willing to fill in all the gaps and asked me questions constantly, which made me search to make sure I was not teaching him amiss! IT was one of the most endearing things, to spend time just studying the gospel with him. I do so miss that.
BUT, time has a way of changing everyone and everything. I often wonder if there was anything more I could have done to save my marriage. MY dream of being married forever was crushed and now, I must alter all the other life dreams that hinged upon that pivotal change. IT has been lonely, and oh so very difficult to raise these beautiful children alone. BUT, I do have a peace about the choices that I have made.
Funny, but, one of the reasons I do have a peace, is because I know that GOD has comforted me and I know that I will find joy again.
HOW does one pick themselves up from the ashes of unfulfilled dreams? IT is NOT easy. I will say that it has been possible for me, ONLY through the help of my Savior and my Heavenly Father. Their guidance and love have transcended all of the pain, sorrow, regrets, unfulfilled dreams----and have made enduring possible.
I remember a conversation once with a woman. She said she was NOT limited to reading the scriptures. I understood her to mean, that we have so many sources of inspiration and light! AND, we do. YET, I want my voice to be clear in defense of the SCRIPTURES as the ONE TRUE SOURCE of light! I thought about those generations that ONLY HAD the scriptures! THERE was little to no other reading material! AND, I say, THEY WERE THE ONES with the advantage! IT is THEIR CHARACTER AND THEIR MANNERS and CONDUCT which would save OUR nation, protect us from the ills of society today! THE scriptures are a CONDUIT of LIGHT! OF LIFE! WHEN utilized, studied and applied, there is NO END to the good that comes into lives that are so enlightened by HIS WORD! IT is because they were divinely written, and it is because the HOLY GHOST can use those words to inspire, testify and motivate us to greater good!
And, yet, even I spend far too little time between the pages of that LAMP UNTO MY FEET!
I find the greatest source of comfort, peace and direction when I am immersing myself in the scriptures. I find more joy, more charity in my own soul, when I daily sup from those pages. I KNOW that GOD lives and has mercifully provided for us, that form of communion with HIM via HIS word, through the scriptures. WHEN I want to draw nearer to HIM, I need only open HIS BOOK! ( or books! for truly there are many scriptures, the Bible and the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price, and the monthly ENSIGN that has GOD'S word to us through HIS divinely appointed PROPHET here upon the earth NOW! EVEN President Monson.) We are so very blessed to have such direction available to us. IT is there, we have only to open the book and peruse the pages with a pure heart and a prayer in our heart!
I know that there will be more that I will be called upon to endure. There have been so many trials already, but, since my life is not yet over, there will be more. As I age, I see how one choice, one action can set off a chain reaction that causes an entirely new path, a matrix if you will, is opened and the course of life is altered forever. Sometimes that is a very good thing indeed! Other times, the choice leads to such sorrow, it is difficult NOT to regret ever having opened up that path at all......I was watching a discussion about teenagers that abandoned their babies. SHOULD they be given immunity from prosecution, IF they take their baby to a safe haven, such as a hospital, could they then be absolved of any wrong associated with abandonment. WOULD that lead mothers to abandon their babies more often, or abandon them if there was something "wrong" with the baby and they just did NOT wish to deal with a disabled child. WOULD it encourage MORE mothers to abandon their babies? AS I thought of this complex issue, I realized that the choice to procreate without the benefits of a husband/father who would share the burden of parenting was one choice that I was so blessed to have NOT personally made. AND, I realized that this issue just had to be examined on a case by case basis. NO general litigation would be capable of managing such an issue.
This realization brought me face to face with the idea of the ULTIMATE judgment. I am SO very grateful that though many upon this earth feel they have the right to judge, ultimately, we all will face the PERFECT JUDGE! AND, how grateful I am that it is HE that will know the thoughts and intents of MY HEART as HE does pass judgment upon ALL my choices. I then reflected upon my own behavior. WAS I PASSING JUDGMENT, unrighteously, on ANYONE? I have once again, made a commitment to defer ALL judgment to HIM! I will just LOVE and accept all who cross my path and leave the impossible task of perfectly judging, to the ONE that can judge perfectly!
I still go crazy wondering why somethings have occurred in my life! I still WANT to know NOW all the WHY'S! BUT, I will temper that with my understanding that I can FIND answers now, by searching the scriptures. That is where I can find peace and direction. AND, for those things that are NOT given for me to know, here and now, I will exercise patience and WAIT UPON THE LORD! HE will, in time, reveal ALL things. THAT is what HE has promised.
With age, comes the wisdom to try and THINK every option through BEFORE acting! DO I always do so? NO! BUT, I find I am doing that more often! AND, with practice, I may in time, become perfect in making sure each action of mine, is in complete alignment with HIS will. THAT is MY GOAL! THEN, and ONLY then will I have the peace and the assurance that I will do NO HARM to another. WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE? TO KNOW, without a doubt, that every action I did take, would ONLY ever BLESS another! THAT is, to me, akin to becoming MORE LIKE HIM! And, that is my goal after all! TO be loving and giving and to bless ALL that are living! IN time, I pray that is what I do achieve. GOD bless us ALL to strive more to be MORE like HIM!