A Mother's Journey

Tragedy, Inconsolable......

2011-04-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

I have been a nurse for over 30 years. I have had a wide variety of experiences in a wide variety of positions within the health care setting. Much of what I have experienced has been rewarding and fulfilling. I have been grateful for each new experience. I would have preferred to remain on the "inactive" list of nurses for yet another 7 years or so, and not ventured back into active work in the Nursing field while I yet have children at home. But, that has not been an option for the past few years. As I have written before, being a Stay-at-Home Mom is my preferred role.

Recently, I began working for a facility as opposed to doing Home Health Care. The labor required for home health was minimal. ( I would work NIGHTS! SO the most difficult part of the job was to stay awake and be alert all night, while also trying to be Mom to all my own throughout the day!) But, working one-on-one with a pediatric patient was relatively easy, rewarding and FUN! SO, after the past few days, I wonder why I have consciously chosen to work so much harder! You see, I am now working at a Care Center. It is also a Rehabilitation Center so there are a wide variety of patients. But, there are those who are not going to leave the facility; they will not recover and there will be no return to their former healthy, independent life. Their lives that were so cruelly interrupted by tragedy, will be lived to a conclusion within the halls of the facility.

Yesterday, as I was taking medications to a resident, she hesitantly asked if I would like to see her "home"; the home she had to leave behind. Then she quickly added, "I am so sorry, you are so busy, I am sure you do not have time to see my pictures." I replied, "Of course I have time to see your home!" I leaned over as she gently turned the pages of her small photo album. Here was the beautiful home in which she had to abandon. Here were pictures of her children, at all stages of life; photos of her husband and of her! Lovingly she touched each page, her eyes moist, with a far away look. I told her I was so grateful she would choose to share such treasured photos with me. How odd to me, that she would choose to share those treasures with me. I was a complete stranger to her until that morning, when I announced I would be caring for her that day. It was not a particularly stellar day for her....she was unable to keep her breakfast down! To my knowledge, she had had no visitors, just her care-givers! I guess that is why we do become a surrogate family to these precious souls.

I thought about these residents all the long drive home. Tears quickly spring to my eyes whenever I think of their plight. To me, it is a tragedy, the grief from which there just is no way to find consolation. These individuals once had families, homes, careers, hobbies, purpose. Now, they must make all their most precious possessions fit within the tiny confines of one tiny room. Often, it is a room that must be shared with another resident. Gone are the days when they had any form of self-determination. Now, they are told when they will bathe and use the restroom, when and what they will eat and so on....for those who are mobile and able, some autonomy remains. But for those who are less fortunate, and have lost mobility, they are subject to OUR schedules. It breaks my heart. I find that there are NEVER enough hours in the day to care for all those assigned to me. The money just is not there for the facility to hire the staff that it would require to meet ALL the wants and needs of each resident. SO, we must prioritize and do our best to meet the needs, and pray to meet some of their wants as well.

I am so sad that our society has chosen to do so little to care for the aged and the infirm. It is not a health-care issue in my mind, it is a value-system issue. We value and support financially some things that are not critically relevant to our culture, to our becoming a moral people, full of character and just plain being good.
We have so many searching for causes. Searching to find meaning, searching for a purpose! Often, we hear of those who go all over the earth seeking out those in need, often finding much to do in third-world nations. I say, we do NOT need to search any further than our own cities! There are so many of our OWN that go without! THERE are SO MANY NEEDS, SO MANY WE COULD DO and SHOULD provide FAR BETTER CARE FOR--- OUR AGED and OUR abandoned! I am certain that there is enough and to spare if we still want to seek out those not within our borders. But, how can we ignore the needs of our OWN? AND, WHY are we paying athletes such outrageous premiums, when they provide ONLY ENTERTAINMENT??? Has entertainment become our "GOD" and have we become so morally bankrupt that we can so easily turn our backs on the elderly that have so many urgent needs? This may seem an unrelated thought, but, to me, it is all part of where the resources go. THAT money frittered away on entertainment is so desperately needed by the elderly. I am NOT advocating a redistribution of wealth. I wish there was a way to encourage those with an abundance, to share with those who have nothing, comparatively. If there was a way to implement a program to encourage those who have the means, to spend that excess on caring for those in need. NOT a hand-out situation, but, a networking and matching the needs with those who can and who choose to provide for those needs.
ONE DAY, we too will be OLD! One day, we will know what we have been neglecting and it will be too late to effect a change for ourselves. BUT, rather than make these changes out of that selfish motive, let us make the changes urgently needed NOW for those who NEED IT NOW! Then, hopefully we will be responsible for making this imperative shift in focus for those who are suffering today! AND with luck those changes in priorities might just alter the kind of future our children will experience too!

Blogger Buzz: Monetize!

2010-07-17T02:31:00.000-07:00

Blogger Buzz: Monetize!

CHOICES and CHANCES and CHANGE......

2010-07-05T02:26:00.001-07:00

I have been pondering life, and how different it has actually been from what I ever dreamed it would be, in some ways. Funny how age can change your vantage point! I remember ALWAYS wanting a dozen children! I knew from very early on, I wanted to be A MOM! THAT dream and that part of my life, well, it has been a dream come true! Each child has brought to me more than I could ever have given in return. The life lessons learned from each child, well, it would take volumes! SO, my choice to have children, and being blessed to have so many has been a dream come true. I know in my heart that my husband was the one who was to allow me that great honor and privilege. FOR that, I will ALWAYS LOVE and APPRECIATE him. He has qualities that I want my children to emulate and his example in many areas will bless their lives eternally.
For example, he is very organized and neat. He is very talented artistically. He is very dedicated and determined and has been very successful because he is also willing to pay the price to succeed. He does not do anything without investing all he has into the venture. That is what first attracted me to him. Though he was raised Catholic, he joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and he made it a priority to learn all he could about his new found faith. Rarely did I ever encounter an individual that had studied the gospel to the degree that I had. UNTIL I met GARY! He had gained a level of understanding in just the two short years as a member, that was equal to that of all my years of learning to date. Well, he did still have some things he had not learned, but, he was anxious and willing to fill in all the gaps and asked me questions constantly, which made me search to make sure I was not teaching him amiss! IT was one of the most endearing things, to spend time just studying the gospel with him. I do so miss that.

BUT, time has a way of changing everyone and everything. I often wonder if there was anything more I could have done to save my marriage. MY dream of being married forever was crushed and now, I must alter all the other life dreams that hinged upon that pivotal change. IT has been lonely, and oh so very difficult to raise these beautiful children alone. BUT, I do have a peace about the choices that I have made.
Funny, but, one of the reasons I do have a peace, is because I know that GOD has comforted me and I know that I will find joy again.

HOW does one pick themselves up from the ashes of unfulfilled dreams? IT is NOT easy. I will say that it has been possible for me, ONLY through the help of my Savior and my Heavenly Father. Their guidance and love have transcended all of the pain, sorrow, regrets, unfulfilled dreams----and have made enduring possible.

I remember a conversation once with a woman. She said she was NOT limited to reading the scriptures. I understood her to mean, that we have so many sources of inspiration and light! AND, we do. YET, I want my voice to be clear in defense of the SCRIPTURES as the ONE TRUE SOURCE of light! I thought about those generations that ONLY HAD the scriptures! THERE was little to no other reading material! AND, I say, THEY WERE THE ONES with the advantage! IT is THEIR CHARACTER AND THEIR MANNERS and CONDUCT which would save OUR nation, protect us from the ills of society today! THE scriptures are a CONDUIT of LIGHT! OF LIFE! WHEN utilized, studied and applied, there is NO END to the good that comes into lives that are so enlightened by HIS WORD! IT is because they were divinely written, and it is because the HOLY GHOST can use those words to inspire, testify and motivate us to greater good!
And, yet, even I spend far too little time between the pages of that LAMP UNTO MY FEET!

I find the greatest source of comfort, peace and direction when I am immersing myself in the scriptures. I find more joy, more charity in my own soul, when I daily sup from those pages. I KNOW that GOD lives and has mercifully provided for us, that form of communion with HIM via HIS word, through the scriptures. WHEN I want to draw nearer to HIM, I need only open HIS BOOK! ( or books! for truly there are many scriptures, the Bible and the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price, and the monthly ENSIGN that has GOD'S word to us through HIS divinely appointed PROPHET here upon the earth NOW! EVEN President Monson.) We are so very blessed to have such direction available to us. IT is there, we have only to open the book and peruse the pages with a pure heart and a prayer in our heart!

I know that there will be more that I will be called upon to endure. There have been so many trials already, but, since my life is not yet over, there will be more. As I age, I see how one choice, one action can set off a chain reaction that causes an entirely new path, a matrix if you will, is opened and the course of life is altered forever. Sometimes that is a very good thing indeed! Other times, the choice leads to such sorrow, it is difficult NOT to regret ever having opened up that path at all......I was watching a discussion about teenagers that abandoned their babies. SHOULD they be given immunity from prosecution, IF they take their baby to a safe haven, such as a hospital, could they then be absolved of any wrong associated with abandonment. WOULD that lead mothers to abandon their babies more often, or abandon them if there was something "wrong" with the baby and they just did NOT wish to deal with a disabled child. WOULD it encourage MORE mothers to abandon their babies? AS I thought of this complex issue, I realized that the choice to procreate without the benefits of a husband/father who would share the burden of parenting was one choice that I was so blessed to have NOT personally made. AND, I realized that this issue just had to be examined on a case by case basis. NO general litigation would be capable of managing such an issue.

This realization brought me face to face with the idea of the ULTIMATE judgment. I am SO very grateful that though many upon this earth feel they have the right to judge, ultimately, we all will face the PERFECT JUDGE! AND, how grateful I am that it is HE that will know the thoughts and intents of MY HEART as HE does pass judgment upon ALL my choices. I then reflected upon my own behavior. WAS I PASSING JUDGMENT, unrighteously, on ANYONE? I have once again, made a commitment to defer ALL judgment to HIM! I will just LOVE and accept all who cross my path and leave the impossible task of perfectly judging, to the ONE that can judge perfectly!

I still go crazy wondering why somethings have occurred in my life! I still WANT to know NOW all the WHY'S! BUT, I will temper that with my understanding that I can FIND answers now, by searching the scriptures. That is where I can find peace and direction. AND, for those things that are NOT given for me to know, here and now, I will exercise patience and WAIT UPON THE LORD! HE will, in time, reveal ALL things. THAT is what HE has promised.

With age, comes the wisdom to try and THINK every option through BEFORE acting! DO I always do so? NO! BUT, I find I am doing that more often! AND, with practice, I may in time, become perfect in making sure each action of mine, is in complete alignment with HIS will. THAT is MY GOAL! THEN, and ONLY then will I have the peace and the assurance that I will do NO HARM to another. WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE? TO KNOW, without a doubt, that every action I did take, would ONLY ever BLESS another! THAT is, to me, akin to becoming MORE LIKE HIM! And, that is my goal after all! TO be loving and giving and to bless ALL that are living! IN time, I pray that is what I do achieve. GOD bless us ALL to strive more to be MORE like HIM!

THE FOURTH OF JULY! INDEPENDENCE DAY

2010-07-03T23:42:00.001-07:00

As I drove to work, it was nearing ten o'clock in the evening and much of the evening sky was ablaze with fireworks! Each city that I passed had some fireworks display in progress, some were far more elaborate than others, but, with each magnificent explosion, each brilliant lighting up of the night sky, my heart swelled within my chest and I was so very grateful for this outward display of our united patriotism. HOW blessed we are to live in this beautiful, FREE land! I know that there is much that needs to be righted, and our liberties are truly fragile blessings that we must never take for granted! BUT, how very grateful I am that I do live in this choice land and that I have the privilege to raise my amazing children with our freedoms--- of religion--to mention just one. As a parent, there are SO MANY CHOICES available to me that just are NOT an option to so many others around our globe.

My children are with my parents this week-end. I am not able to share in the festivities, as I am working several nights in a row. BUT, we will have an opportunity in a few short days, to be reunited and to share our love for this great country in a family home evening. AS I ponder how best to share my deep feelings of patriotism with my children, I reflect upon the sacrifices made in our behalf, made daily yet by those serving our country in every branch of our nation's military. HOW can any one of us ever adequately show our gratitude to these noble men and women who wear uniforms and place their very lives on the line for us daily?

I remember seeing an ad encouraging all who did encounter those in uniform, to give them a salute! I was so grateful that someone had made such a simple sign of love and appreciation the object of an ad seen on the internet! I encourage my children to show that respect and use that gesture to ALL who do serve our great land. IN every occupation, whether it be the armed services, or the fire-fighters and police that daily serve in our communities....ALL these men and women deserve our love, admiration, appreciation and constant recognition for continually placing themselves in harm's way each and every day. I feel the tears swell in my eyes, as I contemplate how their families suffer when they are called upon to give their very lives! HOW can we truly ever repay that, the ultimate sacrifice? AGAIN, I recall a video sent to me via the internet, as a fallen soldier was received in Texas, thousands lining the streets, to pay homage to the fallen hero. I am so very proud to know that there are others who have these same deep-seated feelings of love and gratitude. I pray we never lose this common link of love and gratitude.

May we continue to value and appreciate the precious liberties made available to us at such an overwhelming cost. MAY we stand for the right and be heard throughout all this great land, and across the globe. May our hearts be knit together in love, peace and true harmony, is my prayer this DAY OF INDEPENDENCE!

The Law Of Compensation

2010-01-18T02:10:00.000-08:00

IT has struck me rather profoundly that there truly is a LAW OF COMPENSATION. IF I did not believe this, I do NOT think I could have endured much of what this life has brought to me. I know that each of us has our own set of trials and no one is spared the tests of this life or the vicissitudes that are inherent with this mortal state. IT is foolish to try and compare our circumstances to other sojourners! We can not know what anyone else has had to face. We see only snapshots of others lives and so, on the basis of just one photo, we could never fairly see what anyone else has been called to bear over their lifespan....the only individual that I can fairly see is myself and even then, I realize I am not a fair judge at that! I am so grateful that there will be a PERFECT JUDGE and a merciful and LOVING MEDIATOR, pleading my case before the FATHER of us ALL! As I searched for documentation of this law of compensation, I found the following quotes:

Boyd K. Packer

The Lord has a way of compensating and blessing.

(I have witnessed this in my own life and have been so very grateful that HE does bless and compensate us.)

Looking to the Savior

Adney Y. Komatsu

Elder James E. Talmage wrote, “No pang that is suffered by man or woman upon the earth will be without its compensating effect … if it be met with patience” (as quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, “Tragedy or Destiny,” in Speeches of the Year, 1955–56, Provo: Brigham Young University, pp. 5–6).

(OH NO! I just hate that qualifier---if it be met with PATIENCE!!! I guess I had better work harder on submitting patiently!)

Come What May, and Love It

Joseph B. Wirthlin

While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

( THIS made me WEEP as I heard this in conference! I have shed so very many tears, I pray that I will be counted among the FAITHFUL so that ONE DAY, these tears will become tears of rejoicing and gratitude!)

“Woman, Why Weepest Thou?”

James E. Faust
He was also speaking to us—men, women, and children and all of mankind ever born or yet to be born, for the tears of sorrow, pain, or remorse are the common lot of mankind. To the doubting Thomas, Jesus said, “Be not faithless, but believing.” Through faith and righteousness all of the inequities, injuries, and pains of this life can be fully compensated for and made right.

( Again, here is the KEY! We must have FAITH and BE RIGHTEOUS! WHAT better reason to remain faithful and righteous, then to have all our pains, injuries, inequities, and all our sorrows made right!! AND even compensated for!)

Covenant Marriage

Bruce C. Hafen

But the Lord will ultimately compensate those faithful ones who are denied mortal fulfillment. One woman told me through her tears how her husband’s constant criticism finally destroyed not only their marriage but her entire sense of self-worth.

( THIS is something I have experienced! In fact, I am still suffering the effects of this type of unkindness and critical scrutiny. I have lost my marriage, lost my husband and since my sealing has been canceled, I do not have, at this time, a hope of an eternal companion or family. I PRAY every day that ONE DAY, even if IT IS NOT UNTIL the next life, BUT, I PLEAD DAILY that ONE DAY I will be blessed with the LOVE, the companionship and the awesome blessing of an eternal companion and family.)

There are so many days that it is so very difficult to believe that that "ONE DAY" will actually ever be a reality. It can be so very discouraging and at times, I KNOW I am NOT patient, faith-filled or even able to believe! But, I shake those doubts and all my discouraging despondency----usually with prayer or listening to the music that soothes my soul and replaces all that negativity with LOVE and HOPE and CHARITY and a longing to be more and more like MY SAVIOR, and less like my own weak self!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCibEB8UzyA THIS is Mikeschair's "LET the WATER's RISE"
It is my new favorite song! For longer than I care to admit, this has been how I have felt, that a raging sea was right in front of me, poised to swallow me! But, I have been rescued so frequently by HIM! HE has truly been MY DELIVERER!

I hope that you will find the following songs as soothing to your soul and as comforting and faith promoting! IT truly has been these songs, prayer and the scriptures that have saved me and kept me from falling....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M08D_vJQrKU---My Deliverer, by Rich Mullins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVM85dl-61E---That's What Faith Can Do, by Kutless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8gkDiT----There will be a Day, by Jeremy Camp

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ---Praise YOU in this Storm, by Casting Crowns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMKqpCIlkf4---City on OUR KNEES, by Toby Mac

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Duj9sS-mqSo---I don't want to LOSE my SOUL, by Toby Mac

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4e5ZPTrx7fw----Back in HIS ARMS, by Mark Schultz

Subtle Subversion

2009-12-30T03:08:00.000-08:00

Way back in the 1990's, I decided to give up TV. It was a choice I made for MY CHILDREN as well as for myself. I was appalled at the filth that was paraded before our eyes every 15 minutes, as advertisers were lowering the standards of what was acceptable just to sell more of their products! I watched as the immodesty and the crude behaviors became commonplace. I decided that it did NOT matter how "GOOD" the particular program of choice was, the inherent evil being subtly inculcated into OUR minds was not innocent. IT was the adversary at his best! HOW better to shape the minds of the masses? SO many would never consciously choose to watch filth, but, if it just "HAPPENED" to be broadcast in the form of advertising, no one would really notice the subtle attack on our societies morals, our value systems! We all would be slowly, carefully dragged down and our standards would slip, ever so carefully to the point of being BASE in just a matter of years! Well, I was RIGHT! I can NOT even believe what is NOW available 24/7 on the TV. Nudity, vulgarity, violence, crime, evil in every form! And, as a whole, our society has become so desensitized to it all now, that it is not even seen for the evil that it is!
I spoke with a friend who insisted that there was still excellent programming available. I asked if the commercials had at all risen their standards over the past decade. His reply was astounding. He insisted that that brief commercial moment, though often very base, did NOT impact him in the least. But, he was able to tell me that the last commercial did have "barely dressed women" I asked if that was not pornography in disguise, and he seemed confused as to what he should reply! I rest my case.
I am so sad that so many good people are allowing their minds to be filled with filth and have just accepted it without any resistance.
I understand how subtle this type of thing is. I was a victim myself in 1981-1982. I was so very ill with my first pregnancy. In order to keep my mind off the incessant nausea and vomiting, I would just watch TV all day and night, until I drifted off to sleep. I had never been a fan of the daytime soap opera's, but, I became addicted and for those months, was so very grateful for that distraction. I had no idea the cost I paid for that addiction until I had had my baby and was no longer watching the TV round the clock. I had gone to a movie with my family previous to my pregnancy, and I was upset by the immorality, the profanity and the total lack of decent standards portrayed in the film. WELL, after having watched the daytime soaps and whatever else was presented on the IDIOT BOX----nearly a year later, I was once again at my parent's home. My younger siblings had rented that same movie that about a year ago had been so very offensive to me! I was not going to remain in the room, because I remembered being offended. For some reason, I remained in the room and watched it again.
I was shocked beyond belief when I realized that I was NOT AT ALL OFFENDED by that movie! I thought, "I KNOW it is the same movie! WHAT HAS CHANGED? WHY DID I THINK IT WAS SO BAD???" I realized after some pondering, that I had become so very desensitized by my watching TV, the soap operas, even the commercials! THAT I NO LONGER HAD THE ABILITY TO FEEL THE GOOD INFLUENCE OF THE HOLY GHOST! IT was that gift of the Holy Ghost that I had always been able to trust, to lead me towards the LIGHT of CHRIST and AWAY FROM SATAN'S SNARES! I had LOST THAT! I was shaken.
I determined that in MY HOME, we would NOT allow the SPIRIT OF THE HOLY GHOST TO FLEE because IT WAS OFFENDED by TV and the subtle subversion's of satan! We have not regretted that choice. THERE is a wonderful spirit in our home when we make certain we are not allowing satan ANY way into our home, minds and hearts.
I am so sad that we are no longer able to get EDITED movies, we did so enjoy that service! BUT we have learned that it is far better to go without seeing the POPULAR movies, shows and fare provided by the evil one, than to lose that sweet companionship of the Holy Ghost!

Motherhood---The Greatest Calling

2009-10-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

From the time I was very small, I remember wanting with all my heart to be a mother. In time, I determined that I not only wanted to be a mother, but, I wanted to be a mother of MANY! I think that came as a result of caring for 10-12 babies, infants all under the age of two years old, each Sunday for just over an hour. I had all of the babies in my care, all by myself. At times, it could be bedlam, but for the most part, it was such a rewarding experience! I would just make the rounds; changing diapers, feeding and then cuddling and loving them until their mothers emerged from their meeting.

I knew somehow, that the greatest and most rewarding occupation ever, would be that of mothering my OWN children. How blessed I have been to realize that dream! I am a mother of many! And, caring for them, nurturing and loving them has been my full-time labor of love. Up until my divorce, I was so very blessed to be able to home-school my children! Other than paper routes the children and I had for extra income, I was a "stay-at-home" Mom and I loved every minute of it!

I know that in today's world, being "JUST A MOM" is considered somehow unacceptable! IT is viewed as a waste of one's time and talents, and evidence that somehow anyone that would aspire to be a "stay-at-home" mother is terribly lacking in talents, abilities, motivation, lofty ambition, and or worthy goals! And yet, I believe that it is exactly this pervasive attitude and subsequent degradation of the role of motherhood, that is at the root of the moral decline and the behavioral crisis we are witnessing in our schools, and homes and communities.

All too often children are left to raise themselves and have become "latch-key" children---coming home to NO supervision and NO parental care. And, where are the parents? OFTEN they are seeking fulfillment in careers, volunteering and, well, anything that will keep them busy and OUT OF THE HOME! HOW in the world can we expect children to care, when their parents do not.

I pray that mothers and fathers will seek first to fulfill their responsibilities to their children! I pray we will have a return to deeply committed parents desiring to lovingly fulfill, and even excel in executing our call as parents. The Prophet that was the very first prophet I knew, and grew to love with all my heart, gave the following counsel on Motherhood! I LOVE HIS WISDOM and HIS WORDS on this.....

"Mothers can have a powerful influence for good on their children.

One of the greatest needs in the world today is intelligent, conscientious motherhood. …

Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother’s image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child’s mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness the first assurance that there is love in the world.

The noblest calling in the world is motherhood. True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece, or who can write a book that will influence millions, deserves the admiration and plaudits of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose immortal souls will exert an influence throughout the ages long after paintings shall have faded, and books and statues shall have decayed or have been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God.

Mothers sow the seeds in childhood that determine to a great extent life’s harvests in adulthood. A mother who instills into the souls of her children respect for one another and love for motherhood and fatherhood, renders a great service to the Church and to humanity in general. Children from such homes go out into the world as good citizens—citizens who will render the service which their parents have rendered, to fight the battles which their fathers and mothers have fought. …

Motherhood is the one thing in all the world which most truly exemplifies the God-given virtues of creating and sacrificing. Though it carries the woman close to the brink of death, motherhood also leads her into the very realm of the fountains of life, and makes her co-partner with the Creator in bestowing upon eternal spirits mortal life.

All through the years of babyhood, childhood, and youth, yes, even after her girls themselves become mothers and her sons become fathers, the mother tenderly, lovingly sacrifices for them her time, her comfort, her pleasures, her needed rest and recreation, and, if necessary, health and life itself. No language can express the power and beauty and heroism of a mother’s love. …

… Among my most precious soul-treasures is the memory of Mother’s prayers by the bedside, of her affectionate touch as she tucked the bed clothes around my brother and me and gave each a loving, goodnight kiss. We were too young and roguish then to appreciate fully such devotion, but not too young to know that Mother loved us.

It was this realization of Mother’s love, with a loyalty to the precepts of an exemplary father, which more than once during fiery youth turned my steps from the precipice of temptation.

No nobler work in this world can be performed by any mother than to rear and love the children with whom God has blessed her. That is her duty"

May we all be courageously, nobly and lovingly fulfilling our duty as MOTHERS and parents! The children we are so blessed to have, need us to return to this vision of a HOLY PROPHET OF GOD!

MY FAVORITE STORIES

2009-06-30T01:00:00.000-07:00

Growing up, there were some stories that my Mother read to us, that truly had a profound effect on me and shaped forever, the way I look at life. I wish that I could cut and paste a couple of those stories right here! Perhaps I can find them and do just that. I will start with one of my favorite poems. My mother had me use this poem when giving a talk. I think I was maybe 7 or 8 years old at the time! I wish I could remember the entire poem, but, here is what I do remember.....

IT is called MY TODAY by Mabel F. Ricard---

I have no other day than this;
Oh Father grant I shall not miss
The service sweet of doing good,
And living truly as I should.

Oh Father, in this day that's mine,
Let all thy sweetness through me shine
Let all my ways acknowledge Thee,
May Christ be manifest in me.

Oh, let me be Thy voice to speak
The truth to those who vainly seek;
And through me let Thy LOVE o'erflow
To all the world that needs it so.

Oh! let today be this for me,
A day of glorifying Thee.
'Tis all the day that my soul knows;
'Tis from today tomorrow grows.

So, for today, this is my prayer,
Tomorrow, Lord, is in Thy care.

It was this poem that did begin my quest to be HIS HANDS! I did truly want to have all those that interacted with me, see HIS image in MY countenance!

I also remember a story from, I believe it was the Instructor. IT was about an elderly gentleman who was in need of low cost--to no cost housing as close to a medical facility as possible. You see, he was scheduled to receive a battery of treatments and could not afford to be commuting daily to the Hospital. He began to solicit housing from those across the street from the Medical complex. He offered to do household chores and assist in child-care in lieu of cash payments for room and board. He stated that he did NOT require much in the way of food nor did he need a private room. He would be happy to rest on a porch or a couch. After a very discouraging multiple attempts, a woman with several children, took pity on the poor man and allowed him to use their home during the treatments. As it turned out, the man was required to return on several different occasions to complete additional rounds of treatment. At first, the children in this kind family were frightened. You see, he was horribly disfigured and yet, he did have a kind face. SO, as the days went by, it was his grand and sensitive nature, his kind and benevolent manner that endeared him to this family. Very soon, they no longer saw his disfigured frame, but instead, could only see the beauty of his grand and noble spirit. He became a true member of their family, loved and cherished!

When his next battery of treatments would begin, he returned and brought token gifts, such that he could afford and showed in word and deed, his deep gratitude for this family's willingness to provide lodging, food, and eventually, a loving family unit of which he soon became an integral part. One day, a neighbor was visiting. She caught sight of their unusual guest and gasped. The woman noticed and inquired as to what would cause her neighbor to react so. Her neighbor stated vehemently that they too had had that "hideous creature" come to their door, and they quickly turned him away! Seizing a teaching moment, this wise woman picked up a potted rose. Unfortunately, the pot was broken, the paint was chipped and it was truly a most UGLY pot! She said, "My dear friend, wouldn't you expect me to place this stunning rose in a more fitting pot?" Her friend quickly agreed and asked eagerly, if that was her plan! TO re-pot the rose right now! BUT, the mother said, "YOU know, on second thought, I do not think that I will!" This disturbed the neighbor and she said, "Oh, come on, don't you want a more fitting pot for such a magnificent rose?!" The mother said, " NO! In fact, the contrast reminds me of our guest!" Puzzled, the neighbor inquired why! And, wisely the mother said, " You know, I believe that our guest is exactly as this rose. Heavenly Father in HIS vast wisdom said, "We will place this magnificent spirit in a broken body, he will not mind, for he will know that it is only for this life that he will be so disfigured and unattractive. IN the eternities, his beauty will truly be stunning and all who see him will marvel! BUT, now, I know he will not mind being placed in this broken pot/body!" She then went on to explain all the joy that he had brought, totally unexpectedly to their family! HOW in his greatness of spirit and charity, he had taught the children to love unconditionally and to see past the outward appearance, and on into the heart!

I have loved that story from the first day that my mother read it to me. I have often thought of that principle and I have tested it out for myself. I have found it to be true! I have known MANY of those that this world would shun, would cast out and mock, ridicule and destroy, simply because they are NOT one of God's more beautifully created outwardly stunning individuals! But, as I have grown to know and love them, I have found that they possessed a greatness and true beauty that others, that this world would honor and revere as beautiful; rarely do possess. Isn't it amazing how truly deceiving looking on the outward appearance can be! How important it is for us to strive to be truly GOD-like and BEAUTIFUL in our actions, our thoughts, our deeds, our desires and our motives! From the first time I heard this story, I have striven to become far more beautiful inside----I have cared more about my countenance than my appearance. And, over the years, whatever youthful beauty has LONG SINCE faded and fled! All that does remain, in the end, is what we have created of OUR SOULS! I pray every day that I may inwardly be more and more like that man! and our Savior. And that HIS IMAGE WILL ALWAYS BE FOUND IN MY COUNTENANCE!

Words of Wisdom from Regina Brett.....

2009-06-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old,
of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45
lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested
column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the
column once more:

1. Life isn't fair,
but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just
take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to
waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't
take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit
cards every month.

6. You don't have
to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone.
It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get
angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement
starting with your first pay check.

10. When it comes to chocolate,
resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it
won't destroy the present.

12. It's OK to let your
children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to
others. You have no idea what their journey is all
about.

14. If a relationship has to be a
secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the
blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It
calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that
isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you
really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have
a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and
no one else.

20. When it comes to going after
what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice
sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for
a special occasion, today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the
flow.

23. Be eccentric now.
Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important organ is
the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your
happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster
with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone of
everything...including yourself.

29. What other people think of you
is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything.
Give time.

31. However good or bad a situation
is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so
seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who
God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life.
Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the
alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one
childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the
end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day.
Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in
a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours
back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You
already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up,
dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow,
but it's still a gift."

Grand-Parenting!

2009-06-23T00:12:00.000-07:00

I have been blessed with two beautiful grandchildren. Rebeckah Kimberly Hildebrandt was born to Christopher and Susan Hildebrandt January 29th of 2008. Then, just this past January 13th, 2009; Trevor Isaac was born to Bonnie and Scott Barton. I am anxiously awaiting the day when Trevor and his parents are closer and I can be an integral part of their lives. I have been so very blessed to be able to babysit Beckah while her parents are at school and work, at least a couple of times a week! THAT has been so very rewarding! It is heaven for me to feel her little arms around my neck! And to have her reach for me and want to cuddle with me----well, it reminds me of those days, now fading fast, where my own little ones would reach for me and need me. I know I have heard all my life, people declaring that being a Grandparent was the very best part of life. And, I will say that it is truly a sweet reward, it is true bliss! BUT for me, it still does NOT hold a candle to the joy, the daily heavenly rewards that I found as a mother of my own beautiful babies! Oh, how I miss those days when my own children needed me! I was so very blessed to have my children with me, day in and day out for the majority of their childhood. It has only been the past seven years that I have had to share my time with my children with the public schools. And, that has been torture indeed!

So, on a happier note, I will share what came to me---again, in my inbox! It made me think of the many blessings and the inherent joy that does come as we spend our time with these precious gifts from God--- Our children and our grandchildren!

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1? "

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." ;A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her..... Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport..."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. A Grandmother driving with her granddaughter was pleased to hear her say that Grandpa must be older than Grandma. Mentally congratulating herself on appearing relatively younger than her husband, she made the mistake of asking why the little girl thought so. The little girl replied, "Because his mustache is bigger than yours."

Memories of Earlier Days as a Nurse

2009-06-16T23:38:00.000-07:00

I just received the following (please see the poem below) as an email forward. I decided I would share it via my blog. It brought back to me so many memories....being a nurse and working at several different facilities with the elderly. May I just share a few of those memories now? The first time I encountered the elderly in a health care setting, I was in the midst of my nursing training. This was over 30 years ago! At that time, there were LPN's and RN's providing patient care. The LPN's provided all the bathing, the wound care, the range of motion exercises and assisted with all the activities of daily living. The RN's provided supervision and the medications---although, as an LPN, I too, could distribute medications to my patients. We did NOT have CNA's at this point, but, we did have ORDERLIES! These were men that would do the heavy lifting and transfers and assist the nursing staff with all the more manual and/or physical labor.

As I said, I was in the midst of my nursing training, I was working at our small town's hospital, in Sylva, North Carolina. I was walking in the hallway, and I heard the following exchange:

Elderly Gentleman to the Orderly: "Please, Please, can you take me to the restroom?"
Orderly to the Elderly Gentleman/Patient: "I just took you not too long ago! YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO AGAIN!"
Elderly Gentleman: "Yes, I am afraid I do need to go again!"
Orderly: "Well, YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT!"

The orderly was by this time, really upset, was fairly shouting at the patient and briskly walked away. I was unsure what to do. I was just a student nurse, and the man was NOT my patient. I decided to go and seek the advice of my instructor. I wanted to see if I couldn't just take the man to the restroom myself. By the time I returned, the orderly was back with the patient, but, this time, he had grabbed his arm and was being so very rough with the man, I wanted to cry! The gentleman, no longer able to wait, had urinated in his wheelchair and the orderly was taking his frustration out on the man, because now the orderly had a mess to clean up as well as a bath to perform. The orderly was using harsh tones and verbally berating the patient. Thankfully, because I had asked my instructor for assistance, she had followed me to the scene and was a witness to this abuse. I do NOT know if that orderly was fired, he should have been. But, I do know that my instructor helped me relieve that orderly of that task at hand. It just broke my heart to watch another be so very unkindly and unfairly treated! IF only the orderly had just taken the patient to the restroom when he had first requested that, there would not have been ANY REASON for the patient's subsequent embarrassing predicament! IT was a travesty!

Unfortunately, it is one that I have witnessed more than once over the years. When I have been able, I have spoken boldly and clearly against such inhumanity. I will say that it has NEVER been as blatant as that first encounter was, thank goodness. BUT, there have been times that I have had to gently explain that even though it may seem a patient is NOT cognizant, they are, for the most part, completely aware when someone is mistreating them.

Just a year later, I had a patient that none of the other nurses would take, they all complained that he was so very obstinate and refused all care and was far too difficult to care for. FOR me, that is exactly the patient that I prefer. I would rather take on the patients that no one else would, because I have observed that it is the patients that are less compliant that do seem to be treated with far less compassion and gentle care. And, to prevent them from enduring any further harm, I would opt to take upon me, their care. This patient initially did NOT respond to me either. BUT, I refused to give up. AND, as I spent time with him, I realized that much of the reason he was so grumpy, was that he was just in so very much pain. I was able to increase the dose of his pain medication, via a doctor's order. Then, I began to tease with him and I was able to goad him into going on short walks with me up and down the hall. We became fast friends. I remember that on one late evening, as he called for me to hand him his urinal, and as I tried to retrieve it, I ended up dumping all of the contents of the urinal all over him and his bed! I was mortified! I knew how much pain he was in, and to move him by this time, just caused him so very much pain! With tears in my eyes, I begged for his forgiveness. I told him how very sorry I was that he would have to endure a quick sponge bath and linen change! He looked at me, (as my tears fell softly on the linen that was saturated already,) with such tenderness! NONE of that bitter, grumpy old man
remaining. He patted my hand, and gave me a weak smile and made a joke! I laughed through my tears! What an honor and a sacred privilege it has been to be in the company of such amazing people. I have learned so much of life, love, courage, and tenacity from my patients. Sadly, he was one of many that I had to say good-bye to, as he left this vail of tears for a far better place. In fact, all of the patient's that I began caring for, that first year I worked at the University of Michigan Hospitals, returned within the next 8 months to die.(on the Otorhinolaryngology floor---which is normally ear, nose and throat, but, on our floor of 8 East, it was almost exclusively an Oncology floor, where we took care of patients with head and neck cancer.) IT was so hard to watch them fade slowly away. Yet, knowing how pain-filled their existence was, I did NOT begrudge them their release from that pain. And for the most part, they knew that they were going HOME.

Yet, there was one woman, that as I cared for her, and I knew that her time was getting short, (as you work with the dying, it becomes easier to know the stages of death) I noticed that she was becoming more and more agitated. I looked into her eyes and I saw pure terror! She could not speak, her larynx had been surgically removed. So, I asked her to blink her eyes in response to my questions. She was so very swollen with edema, it was alarming. I asked her if the reason she was so very upset had to do with her condition. She blinked twice, so, YES! I asked her if she was afraid to die. Again, her response was YES! I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her, to sit and just hold her hand for a while. Again, a YES. Then, normally, I would ask if she would like to speak with a priest or other religious leader, but, I felt impressed to just ask if I could tell her what I KNEW was waiting for her when she did pass from this life to the next. I really do NOT remember how much time elapsed. I know I spent at least all of my lunch break and then some, relating to her my firm testimony that there is life after this life. That we will be embraced by our Loving Parents and OUR SAVIOR! And, that all the pain and sorrow of this life will be swallowed up in the joy of being back HOME. As I finished, I could see her entire body relax. ALL the previous terror gone, and just a tangible feeling of peace permeated the room. She fell asleep. And, within that 24 hour period, she too went HOME. It is for such moments that I believe we are sent. TO be there for our brothers and sisters in their greatest times of need! I LOVE being a NURSE! I love the fact that in some small way, I can make a difference in the lives of those who have been given some of the most difficult, painful days in existence!

My prayer is that we can one day, see a total end to all inhumanity, to all unkindness towards each other! That we may all catch the vision of our Savior, and love and live as HE so very Perfectly, Beautifully and Magnificently did!

CRABBY OLD MAN

For all of us, who will be there one day!

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses?. . . . .. What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . ... when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, . . . . . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . ... . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . . .. . and makes no reply .
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . . . . the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? ... . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me..

I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .... . . . . . . .. . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . .. . . . with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . . . .. a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . ... . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . to see I don't mourn..
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . . . . shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . . .grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone .. . . . ... . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . .. . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . . . . .. life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . .. . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . ... . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . .. .. open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer . . .. . see ME!!

TO ALL MY MARRIED FRIENDS....

2009-06-10T01:27:00.000-07:00

I spent so much time and money on resources aimed at saving my marriage. Alas, it was all for naught. IT did NOT save that which was most precious in all the world to me. The ONLY thing more precious to me in this world are my children and my faith! BUT, as I reflect upon what I now should do with my life, I realize that it would be the best use of my time to help others avoid the extreme pain, sorrow and intense suffering that is associated with divorce. I hope to be able to assist my children in choosing wisely and I pray I can give them the tools that they will need to succeed! I would like to share some of the things that I have found, gathered and learned in the hopes that it will also benefit YOU. I wish for all those who are currently married to build upon that sacred union and pay the price----devote all your energies to nourish and strengthen and improve yourselves and your relationship----daily!

Some of the resources that are MOST vital are the books by John M.Gottman, Ph.D. He has spent over a quarter of a century studying marriages. HE has focused on what makes a marriage succeed! (whereas most have focused on what makes a marriage fail!) AND, he has learned so well the signs of a healthy, successful union, that within minutes of observing a couple, he can accurately predict whether they will remain happily married or not. IF I were married, I would make certain that these books by Dr. Gottman were a part of my library and I would study them frequently with my spouse! (just FYI, THESE are a part of my personal library---as well as about 30 other books! I am serious about this, and I intend to be a true resource for my children and anyone else who would care to ask for the resources I do have!)

These are all by John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

What Predicts Divorce

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

The Relationship Cure

The Marriage Clinic

10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage

Additionally, I would include "Avoiding Emotional Divorce" as a must in my library---yes, I have done just that! and I have the movie FIREPROOF and I have the workbook called the LOVE DARE book and I would make certain that I was using that book from the very beginning of the marriage! BUT, it is something that can be used at any point and time. SO, if I were in a situation where I knew that improvement was needed, I would incorporate the 40 day challenge set forth in the LOVEDARE book! I would encourage anyone who is married to read and implement all these resources. THERE are so many more out there. BUT, these are the cream of the crop! And, these are written by those who have succeeded in their own marriages. They have deepened their relationships and have made their love their priority! THEY are the best examples in the secular world of what a marriage can be, what it was intended by GOD to be! I believe that we are here to determine whether we are going to be truly worthy of having a mate forever! IF we are NOT willing to give our all to our spouse, if we are NOT willing to sacrifice, to place their needs and desires and success above our own, if we are able to dispell all selfishness and self-righteousness and we are able to truly live and love and forgive and cherish our mate, then, and only then, do I believe we will be granted that sacred and most holy and highest of prizes---our UNION on into the eternities. YES we must be sealed by those holding the authority to seal us for time and all eternity! BUT the HOLY SPIRIT OF PROMISE does NOT seal all those unions! I believe that we are here to determine if we will in fact, be worthy of that most awesome gift of God. AND, believe me, I have seen so many---my own included---so very many marriages that are willingly just co-existing! That is NOT the union that our Heavenly Father desires we have forever! We must work to be worthy of and to love enough and cherish enough; that blessed mate! I do not have that opportunity to work toward that goal, here and now. I lost that many years ago. BUT, with all my heart and soul, I implore you who have not lost that chance, to work all the harder and to make your marriages what GOD intended them to be! I implore you to forget about seeking out others to fulfill whatever void you may feel, and turn to your spouse and work it out! THAT will be the ONLY true way to find the JOY and HEAVEN ON EARTH that can come with a righteous and covenant marriage.

SO, with all my heart, I implore those of you who are able to work, to do just that! FIND every and all of the very best resources out there! Pick those that fit best your situation! NEVER give up that dream of making your union the most sweet and heavenly union possible! LIVE for each other and shower each other with the love, the purest love possible. I pray that my children who are currently engaged and planning to wed, will also read, study, pray and ponder all that they must become in order to be a success in this, the greatest of all adventures possible on this planet!

I Don't Want to Gain the WHOLE WORLD and LOSE MY SOUL!

2009-06-03T00:34:00.000-07:00

There is a song by Toby Mac, entitled, "Lose My Soul" It uses the Scripture found in Mark 8: 36
36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

I have found such strength and joy in listening to KLOVE radio. The music is WONDERFUL! They play worship hymns, praising the LORD! There are no inappropriate lyrics, no embarrassing themes. I am uplifted and encouraged as I sing along with those who have chosen to use their talents to sing of the things of eternity, of goodness, of our Savior and Our Heavenly Father. Here are artists of great talent, using their talents to lead others to Christ.

As for me, I have no chance of gaining much that this world has to offer, materialistically speaking. Therefore I am not tempted to trade my soul for the things of this world. BUT these men and women COULD use their talents far differently and could actually choose the world over the things of eternity! SO, I am in awe of them. I would hope that were I ever faced with that decision, I too, would chose to shun the world and NOT lose my soul for the things that do not last, do not bring lasting joy or peace!

As I thought of this very theme, making choices that matter, I decided to view the movie on DVD, entitled Valkyrie. I felt it an appropriate time to view, seeing that the anniversary of D-DAY is just days away.....June 6, 1944. Although the events depicted in the movie are not related to D-Day specifically, it is all about World War II.

It is the true story of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, the master-mind behind the last attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler. Colonel Stauffenberg exhibits such profound courage and strength. HE does NOT want to gain the world and lose HIS soul! HE does NOT want his children to be the victims of the dishonor that Hitler's actions have placed upon all of Germany. No, he is willing to sacrifice his life, in order to save his family, their honor and to return Germany to the people who are honorable and decent. And, in the end, he does sacrifice his life. BUT, as history records, it is NOT in vain that he does give his life for that cause. He and those who worked with him, do NOT bear the burden of shame and dishonor that those who supported and assisted Hitler do!

It would seem nearly impossible to be in a similar situation. To be aware of a mass extermination of a race or culture---the Jewish people, and look the other way! And then to watch those who tried to save the Jewish people also suffer the same fate, death and worse! It is an incredible, horrific thing! Surely, we are more humane in our day! SURELY there are NO such crimes against humanity now! OR are there? YES, there are! AND, it is incumbent upon us to be as valiant and vigilant in standing up and being counted as one against such brutality. YOU may ask, where are such crimes being committed? Right here in our nation, every day. Thousands upon thousands of UNBORN children are being slaughtered DAILY! And, yes, there are nations who are yet dealing with ethnic cleansings as well. BUT, here, right here in our land, we are tolerating, and allowing the mass executions of those who can NOT defend themselves, can not even speak out against their executioners.

I do NOT support violence as a means of putting an end to this horrific crime against the unborn. The Vigilante killing of those who are killing the unborn is not the answer. We must do more to put an end to the tragedy. BUT we must begin with our youth. It is not enough to legislate against abortion. We must destroy the desire to dismiss so cavalierly the life of the unborn. We must teach our children the sanctity of life and teach them to value life from the moment of conception. To be true to the only code of happiness that also is the only course of true happiness, CHASTITY! May we end the holocaust of our day, may we have the courage and the strength to be found on the side of honor and courage and may we each choose to make a difference. I believe we will likewise be held accountable for our actions in this war upon the unborn. May we all fulfill our part well, that when we are called home, we will not be ashamed that we did not do all that we could.

Memorial Day Musings

2009-05-25T21:36:00.001-07:00

My children and I have a tradition for Memorial Day. We began this tradition nearly two decades ago. I was concerned that my children would not understand the sacred nature of this holiday---Memorial Day. We have had members of our families serve our country in times of war and peace, but, we have been so very blessed in that we do not have any close family members that have lost their lives in the service of our great country. SO, to make it more personal, I began to take my children to the cemetery on Memorial Day. We would discuss the white crosses and American Flags that adorned some of the plots, and then, we would go home and watch a variety of "War Movies" to bring home the somber reverence that I felt should accompany this day.

When we moved to Utah, nearly 7 years ago, as we were going to celebrate in our usual way, at the cemetery, we stumbled upon a Memorial Day Service! I was overjoyed! IT was incredible! There were men in uniform and our Flag was raised, we were led in singing OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM and there was a speaker, an officer in the Air Force, from Hill Air Force Base! And, so, our tradition became far more than it's humble beginnings---with just me, speaking about the day! We now had real soldiers who shared their love for their branch of service and their love for their buddies and this great land. We added to our tradition, a stop to get donuts and juice and it has become one of our favorite holidays!

Today, we arrived at the cemetery just before the service began at 9:00 am. The service today began with the raising of our flag, OLD GLORY, and singing "Oh, Say Can You See?" It also included the posting of wreaths for each of the wars fought since we became a nation. Then a beautiful poem was read and a speaker spoke. Mr. McMurdie began by speaking of his 19 year old son that at the time when most young men enlist, he was enlisted in another kind of battle, that of cancer. He said that though he did NOT fight "the" enemy, he was no less dead. And his wife and child were no less alone. He then honored his son as he also paid tribute and honored all those who had also lost their lives, but had willingly given their lives so that we could be free. They also rang a bell as they read the names of those who had fallen in the wars from our tiny community. There were far more than I would have expected. ANY number would have been too many! BUT, again, my heart swelled with such profound gratitude, I was overwhelmed with emotion and the tears spilt freely down my face. HOW can we truly ever repay those young men and women, and the families that they have left behind? HOW can we truly be worthy of such an enormous sacrifice? I will never feel I can repay such a debt. BUT, I WILL ALWAYS CHOOSE TO REMEMBER THEM! I will ALWAYS SPEND THIS DAY HONORING THEIR MEMORY! I NEVER WANT MY CHILDREN OR MYSELF TO FORGET! A single soldier played taps, and after a five minute pause, there was a yellow balloon release in honor of those that have fallen, so that we can stand proud today! WE ARE AMERICANS! AND, I am so very grateful to be an AMERICAN! I am so grateful to be able to raise my children in this, the greatest of all lands!

I received this as a forward today. I checked with SNOPES.com and I have corrected the mistakes in the original message. Originally, the email attributed the article written denoucing the pay increase to the Washington Times, when in fact, it appeared in the Washington Post. Also, it claimed that the editorial piece was written by the Actress, Cindy Williams, when it was NOT! The editorial piece appeared nearly 9 years ago but, in my mind, our military men and women STILL are by far UNDERPAID for the service they render to each one of us, and this great land of liberty. I post it in the hopes that we will remember just how much these great men and women do sacrifice FOR EACH OF US EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT THEY ARE SERVING!

I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ENJOY THIS MEMORIAL DAY, WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES. MAY WE ALL REMEMBER THAT THERE ARE SO MANY THAT WERE UNABLE TO DO THAT, BECAUSE THEY ARE STILL SEPARATED FROM THEIR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS AS THEY ARE CURRENTLY SERVING US---SO THAT WE COULD ENJOY OUR DAY! OR, THEY HAVE PAID THE ULTIMATE PRICE AND ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO BE HERE ON THIS EARTH.

This is an Airman's response to Cindy Williams' editorial piece in the Washington Post about MILITARY PAY. On Nov. 12, 2000, Ms Cindy Williams wrote a piece for the Washington Post, denouncing the pay raise(s) coming service members' way shortly-- citing that the stated 13% wage was more than they deserve.

A young airman from Hill AFB responds to her article.

"Ms Williams:

I just had the pleasure of reading your column, "Our GIs Earn Enough" and I am a bit confused. Frankly, I'm wondering where this vaunted overpayment is going, because as far as I can tell, it disappears every month between DFAS (The Defense Finance and Accounting Service)and my bank account.

Checking my latest earnings statement I see that I make $1,117.80 before taxes. After taxes, I take home $874.20. When I run that through the calculator, I come up with an annual salary of $13,413.60 before taxes, and $10,490.40, after. I work in the Air Force Network Control Center where I am part of the team responsible for a 5,000 host computer network I am involved with infrastructure segments, specifically with Cisco Systems equipment .. A quick check under jobs for Network Technicians in the Washington , D.C. area reveals a position in my career field, requiring three years experience with my job. Amazingly, this job does NOT pay $13,413.60 a year. No, this job is being offered at $70,000 to $80,000 per annum...
I'm sure you can draw the obvious conclusions.

Given the tenor of your column, I would assume that you NEVER had the pleasure of serving your country in her armed forces.
Before you take it upon yourself to once more castigate congressional and DOD leadership for attempting to get the families in the military's lowest pay brackets off of WIC and food stamps, I suggest that you join a group of deploying soldiers headed for AFGHANISTAN. I leave the choice of service branch up to you.

Whatever choice you make, though, opt for the SIX month rotation: it will guarantee you the longest possible time away from your family and friends, thus giving you full "deployment experience." As your group prepares to board the plane, make sure to note the spouses and children who are saying good-bye to their loved ones. Also take care to note that several families are still unsure of how they'll be able to make ends meet while the primary breadwinner is gone obviously they've been squandering the "vast" piles of cash the government has been giving them.

Try to deploy over a major holiday; Christmas and Thanksgiving are perennial favorites. And when you're actually over there, sitting in a foxhole, shivering against the cold desert night; and the flight sergeant tells you that there aren't enough people on shift to relieve you for chow, remember this trade whatever MRE (meal-ready- to-eat) you manage to get for the tuna noodle casserole or cheese tortellini, and add Tabasco to everything. This gives some flavor. Talk to your loved ones as often as you are permitted; it won't nearly be long enough or often enough, but take what you can get and be thankful for it. You may have picked up on the fact that I disagree with most of the points you present in your opened piece.

But, tomorrow from KABUL , I will defend to the death your right to say it.You see, I am an American fighting man, a guarantor of your First Amendment rights and every other right you cherish. On a daily basis, my brother and sister soldiers worldwide ensure that you and people like you can thumb your collective nose at us, all on a salary that is nothing short of pitiful and under conditions that would make most people cringe. We hemorrhage our best and brightest into the private sector because we can't offer the stability and pay of civilian companies. And you, Ms. Williams, have the gall to say that we make more than we deserve?

Rubbish!

A1C Michael Bragg Hill AFB AFNCC

How Truly Blessed Are We !

2009-05-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

I am, once again, working all night. I have been granted permission to use some of the time that I am working all night, doing schoolwork, checking emails, or just in general, using my laptop with my wireless connection. What a blessing that is right now! I find I am in the blessed situation to be able to multi-task AND be paid for that! But, it is still so very difficult to leave my children and work outside the home. I was so very blessed to be able to be a stay at home mother for 20 years! BUT, my circumstances changed, and my working is a necessary evil! ( I say EVIL because anytime I am away from my children, it is so sad to me....)

Anyway, I thought I might share a tender moment, and a sweet memory with you all. I was driving with my youngest daughter, Shawnie. (She is 8 years of age) We were on our way home from Brigham City. We had been doing errands and now had about a 30 minute drive just to chat. IT has been particularly hard on Shawnie when I do have to work. SO, she began to complain, once again, about how much she truly hated me leaving her the nights I did work.

I pondered as to what to say to her that I had NOT ALREADY said on the subject! I had often told her all of the reasons that our budget just could not allow me to be home 24/7! I felt impressed to ask her if she even knew what I did when I was at work! She replied that she knew I took care of a little boy, but that was all! SO, I began to tell her about my work. I said, " Shawnie, do you know that this little boy I take care of at night does have his parents home, but, if I was not there, they would not be able to ever get a full nights sleep!" Shawnie said, "Why not Mom?" I then explained what I was required to do for this little patient of mine. I said, "Shawnie, do you know that he can not even breathe without the help of a tube in his neck? AND, he cannot even eat like you can. All of his food has to be fed to him through a tube that goes into his stomach. HE cannot even drink anything nor can he eat anything. IF he is thirsty, he cannot even tell me! I just have to keep his mouth moist and put Vaseline on his lips. Did you know that his lips get so dry and chapped because he cannot even lick his own lips? HE cannot scratch if he has an itch! He does not have any use of his legs or arms. I have to turn him frequently all night, so he does not get sores on his shoulders, back, arms, and feet! Can you imagine how hard it must be for him? IF something is bothering him, he cannot even tell me! Sometimes, it takes me a while to figure out why he is crying! And, it breaks my heart! I work so hard and fast to try and find out just what he does need so that he is not suffering!" Shawnie was so very quiet by this point. I looked over at her, and I was overwhelmed with emotion, as I saw tears welling up in her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. She did NOT speak for a moment. Then, she said, "Mom, I will never ever ask you to stay home from work again! HE really does need you more than I do, doesn't he?"

Then, I began to cry. I told Shawnie that I loved this little boy and it did make my day that when he hears my voice as I enter his room, he will smile! HE does make noise and tries to talk to me as I read to him and it is clear to me that he is aware of his surroundings! BUT, the love I had for my little patient, would never ever be as great as my love for her! FOR each of my own children! I told Shawnie that my job was NOT to be his Mom, because he does have a Mom that loves him like I love her! I was just there to give his parents the help they need to care for him. I explained to her that we just do not always even comprehend our blessings! HOW wonderful that we can move our limbs, eat our food, scratch at whatever itches! HOW sad that we take all these things for granted. BUT, it is when we see others that are so limited, that we must always treat them with the utmost kindness and love and then thank our Heavenly Father that we have been so very blessed!And, we should ALWAYS pray for those who do not have all that we have been so very blessed to have! I had no idea that Shawnie would react as she did! I did NOT even think, until that moment, to explain how really important it was, to that family, that I did help them at night. I was so moved that Shawnie would be so mature and self-sacrificing! At such a young age, to tell me that he needed me more than she did! I just wept along with her! How grateful I am for the whisperings of the spirit that led me to explain more fully to Shawnie, just what I was doing each night I did work!

And, she has been true to her word! She has NOT complained as I have had to leave around 7 pm the nights I do work. She will tell me that she is going to miss me, and I hug and kiss her and tell her that I will really miss being with her! IT is still so hard to leave my own beautiful children as I do go off to work! IT is such an amazing blessing to me, though, that I can tell my children that I am not just working for a paycheck, but, I am truly being of service to this family that has been given such an enormous challenge to deal with for the life of this child.

How blessed we are to have the use of our senses, our limbs, our voices! May we thank the LORD for all these gifts and use them always to bless others, never to hurt or harm our brothers and sisters here upon this earth!

MAY I BE HIS HANDS!

2009-05-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

April was such a busy month! BUT, it was such a joy-filled month as well! I was so very blessed to have three of my daughters return home! Kathryn, who is 21, was serving a mission for our church in Phoenix, Arizona. She was gone for 19 LONG months! SO, to see her coming down the stairs at the Salt Lake City Airport, well, I was overwhelmed! FOR the first week that she was home, every time, and I mean EVERY TIME I saw her, I just wept! It was so wonderful to have her home. I have likewise wept at the blessing of having my other two daughters return home from Minnesota. Colleen, who had been gone for almost 2 years, was so sorely missed! I am so very grateful that she took us up on the offer to come home after Kathryn and I flew to Minnesota to have Kathryn see her father and her sisters and new nephew, Trevor! Bonnie and Scott's little Trevor is so adorable! IT was such an amazing thing to see my oldest daughter excel in her mothering! FOR so many years, she had told me that she did NOT wish to have any children! BUT, after waiting for 7 years, I guess the time was right and she has now exclaimed that she wants to have more children, she finally understands why I wanted to have so many beautiful little babies come join our family! Carrie Ann had been staying with Bonnie and Scott to help with Trevor. I was able to be there for his birth, but, being a single, working Mom, I could NOT stay as long as I wanted, and so, Carrie took my place. She was a wonderful help and yet, again, was sorely missed by me at home!

And, it is with great anticipation that we look forward to Bonnie and Scott and Trevor moving in with us come August, so that they can find work, find a home of their own and just be near us. I will then be in heaven! There just is NO greater JOY for me, than to have ALL of my children close!

I have started a couple of posts, and yet, with all the hubbub of life right now, I have been unable to complete them. I will soon....
FOR today, I just would like to share my gratitude for the blessings of having so many wonderful, amazing, awesome, outstanding and beautiful children! I am so humbled that I would be so very blessed! I am so very grateful that we have a HEAVENLY FAMILY! Heavenly Parents, an OLDER BROTHER and it is so awesome that we are all spirit children of our Heavenly Parents! I am also overwhelmed at the love THEY have for all of US! THAT was no more evident then when our Savior came down to this earth, took on a mortal frame and lived a perfect life, so as to show us the way! AND, what was HIS reward for living so perfectly? HE was condemned, persecuted, tried and finally crucified on the Cross at Calvary. BUT, that was NOT all, he took upon HIMSELF the sins of ALL those who would ever live here on this earth.....for you and for me, he atoned for all of our sins. HE then died for us, so that we might LIVE again! AND, if we choose to live by HIS laws, obey HIS and the Father's commandments, we will live with THEM again, forever, to never again be separated from THEM or from our FAMILIES! HOW precious this truth is to me! HOW great is my gratitude for that, the greatest gift, the greatest act of mercy and love for all of us! Amazingly, all we have to do to partake of this incredible gift of eternal life and exaltation---or immortality and life forever with GOD and Jesus, the Holy Ghost and our Heavenly Mother, is to accept the Atonement,Be BAPTIZED as HE was; accept Jesus as OUR divine Savior and Redeemer and live a life as close to HIS as we possibly can!

I weep when I think of the beauty of this plan of happiness, where we can earn the right to live with our Heavenly Family and Earthly Family FOREVER!

I recently had an experience that brought the reality of this most precious gift with full force into my heart and mind....

I was in a hurry to get to work. I work nights as a private duty nurse. I work 8 pm to 4 am. It was last Monday,(exactly a week ago today!) as I was on my way to work, that I had planned to go to Sam's Club. My children were involved in Soccer and they all needed TREATS for their teams and their coaches! SO, with three teams, and three coaches, I decided it would be far more cost efficient to buy in bulk! I had a gift card with about $40 on it, and I had about that much in cash as well. I took my purchases quickly to the check-out. I gave the cashier my gift card first and asked her to run it first. She did. BUT, it came back declined! I was shocked! I KNEW the money was ON that CARD! I asked her to please run it again. This she did. Once again, it was declined. I do not know if that has ever happened to anyone else, but, it is SO embarrassing! I did NOT have another way to pay and the total exceeded my cash on hand. The total was $69.01! I began telling the cashier which items to take back in order to have enough money to pay my bill. Meanwhile, there was a family standing in line next to me. The gentleman approached me after we had started taking items back. He looked into my eyes, and simply said, " Will you allow me to do this?" I said, "What??" He said, "Will you allow me to pay for your groceries?
I will run it through on my card." I was dumbfounded! I was overwhelmed! I said, "I do have the money, I can give you all my cash and there is $36.00 on this card, I KNOW that there is!" He said, " NO, I do NOT want your money or your card. Please just allow me to do this for you." I began to cry. I said, "Why? Why would you do this?" He said, " Just consider this your lucky day!" I was shocked! I hesitated and he began talking to the cashier. He told her to ring back up all the items she had deleted from the bill, then, he ran his card! I was, of course, still in tears! I asked if there was ANYTHING I could do to repay him, he nodded no, and just smiled! I walked out of Sam's Club, I began to quickly load the car with the groceries, fearing I would be late for work! My benefactor came out with his wife and disabled son. I was still in tears, and I thanked them again. They just smiled and said, "YOU are most welcome!"

It took awhile to recover. I have been so very blessed! I have been the recipient of so much kindness, so many acts of service and love! I feel so very unworthy of all that I have been given!

As I pondered again, yesterday, about this very event that started my week, I thought how similar that is to what the Savior does for us, did for us and is STILL DOING FOR EACH OF US! HE merely asks, "WILL YOU ALLOW ME TO HELP YOU? WILL YOU ALLOW ME TO TAKE THIS BURDEN FROM YOU?" SO often, I have doggedly refused HIS proffered, FREE gift! I have felt that I MUST somehow do it all alone! I must NOT rely on ANYONE! And, yet, HE is still there, offering to HELP ANYONE OF US that are willing to allow HIM TO HELP us! ALL HE asks is that we accept HIM and HIS GIFT!

I thought, one day, I too want to be able to do for someone else what was done for me. I have had the opportunity to do it on a MUCH, MUCH smaller scale. A couple of times, I have been able to provide the needed change for someone in line ahead of me, when they were just a bit short. NOTHING CLOSE to $69.01! But, hopefully, and actually I KNOW, it is NOT the size of the gift we are willing to offer our brothers and sisters! IT is just that in our hearts we would and we do what and when we can!

THEN I reflect on that most precious of gifts given to me, that of my own birth provided to me by my angel mother and my father....and the spiritual rebirth made available by OUR SAVIOR, even Jesus the Christ! ONE day, I pray, I will be worthy and able to enter HIS presence and kneel at HIS feet, bathe his feet with my tears, and kiss the nail prints in HIS hands and feet. ONE day, I pray, I will be able to tell HIM in PERSON, how GREAT HE IS, HOW GRATEFUL I am for HIS ATONING SACRIFICE! AND for HIS perfect light and life! What a sacred and holy and blessed day that will be!

Until that time, what can I DO? Well, I can be more and more like that HUMAN savior at Sam's Club! I can seek out those in need around me! I can pray to have a far more observant heart and to have an increased awareness of those around me that might just need that hug, that smile, that note of encouragement. I pray that I can live my life more determined to do SO much MORE good! TO BE HIS HANDS! TO show in every word and deed, that I am a true disciple of MY SAVIOR, Jesus Christ! TO have everyone around me feel HIS LOVE for them THROUGH ME! That is my constant prayer! MAY I NEVER FORGET all that HAS been done for me, by the angels HE has sent to me, and MOST ESPECIALLY, BY our LORD as well.

TITHING, A PRINCIPLE and COMMANDMENT with a PROMISE

2009-03-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

I would like to dedicate this post to a very dear friend, Randy. We were friends over 32 years ago, and just recently reconnected. It is amazing how time flies! I remember some of the times we shared--- as if it were just yesterday.

One of the things that I remember about Randy, was his great faith and obedience. We were discussing in either a fireside or Sunday School lesson the law of Tithing. Randy volunteered the fact that paying tithing was NOT a difficult principle for him. I remember him saying that he would just place his tithing in a jar, and it was NEVER even a temptation to spend the "Lord's Money!" I was in awe of that! I did NOT have a problem paying tithing myself---in that I wanted to pay it and I was happy to do so....but, for me, I had to pay it immediately, because if I did leave it laying around, I would be tempted to use it and rationalize that I could just replace it! OR, my memory has never been super---so, if I did NOT pay it, I would sometimes actually forget it was NOT mine to spend! For me, I just knew the safest way to go, was to pay my tithing immediately and then I had a peace about having done what I needed and wanted to do.

I remember my father teaching us about his experience with tithing. FOR those who may not know what I mean when I mention the word, TITHING----it is, to those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints---one-tenth of all our increase or income. IT is left to the individual to determine just what that increase is. FOR those who are farming or who own businesses, I imagine it is a far more difficult matter to determine. Since I have always been employed, either as a babysitter in my earliest teens, to a nurse now, I have always rounded up to the nearest dollar---- the "gross pay" which was on my pay stub.

Anyway, my father served a mission to Leeds, England in the 1950's. His father and mother were not actively attending church and so, did NOT pay tithing; among other things. (my grandfather served in the Navy, and had tattoo's, smoked like a chimney and drank like the sailor he was! In our church, we do not drink alcohol, coffee, tea or use tobacco. My father's parents did many of the things we were taught to avoid like the plague.) IT has been a great blessing to me that my parents, both of which came from families that were not actively living the gospel principles, chose to become stalwarts in living our religion. My deep gratitude for their choice is ETERNAL! But, back to the story.....my father knew that his father was NOT paying tithing. He decided, therefore, to pay tithing on the money that his father sent to him to support him while he was on his mission. I do not remember if my father told Grandpa about this, my guess is that he did NOT disclose it. I am guessing that had my father told grandpa he was paying tithing on the money he sent to my father, that Grandpa would have either sent much less or none at all! Well, my father told us that he did NOT keep track of how much money he had from day to day or even month to month! (that is so very hard to imagine, since my father---all through my childhood to the present---has had my mother record EVERY SINGLE PENNY that is received, spent etc!) But, my father's great faith and obedience to the law of tithing was well rewarded. He said he NEVER went without. He even had people approach him for money, as he was at one point, the branch president, and he would give freely of his resources. He said, when there was a need, he would just go to the chest where he kept the money, and would take whatever was needed at any given time, and there was ALWAYS sufficient for his needs.

Then came the end of his mission. He had less than a month left, and he was confident that he would not need any more support money from his parents, so, he told them not to send the last month's funds. Unfortunately, he had NOT checked his chest and when he had just over two weeks left, he discovered that the chest was EMPTY! He nearly gave in to panic, but, decided that he could economize. There were things he had planned to do as he left England, (some sightseeing and such--which is NOT an option for today's missionary---but was totally acceptable back then) which he just decided he would have to fore go. With emotion, I recall my father telling us that just as he was sure he would have to fore go those plans, and he was trying to figure out how to pay for his fare home, a check came in the mail from his father. The check that my father had told his father NOT to send! He was able to pay his tithing, fulfill all his plans and make it safely home.

It is my witness that he was blessed for paying tithing. I have NOT had to live on my father's testimony alone. I, too, have been richly rewarded as I have paid my tithing faithfully for all the years that I have earned any income.

I recall a time during the first very lean years of my marriage. We had paid our tithing, but, had no money left for food. I had made a commitment to visit the young women that were my responsibility as the young woman's president. We had just filled the tank, so we had the gas to do so, yet, I wondered if we dared to go, with absolutely no money left. But, in faith, my husband and I set out to fulfill my commitment. At this time, we did not have any children yet. I cannot remember how many of the youth we visited, but, I do recall that we left the farthest location for last. I remember visiting with the young lady; Linda, and I was so grateful that we had chosen to see her, it was such a sweet visit with her and her mother. As we started to leave, Sister Dixon called me back and said that she had something for me. I was surprised, I could not imagine what she could possibly have for me. Tears welled up in my eyes, as she presented me with two-- full to the brim, bags of fresh vegetables, fruits and food from their farm. There was NO doubt in my mind that God was the one who had inspired that good woman to share with us their food, so that we did not go hungry that week.

It was a shock to me when I discovered that my husband was NOT paying our tithing once we had relocated to Minnesota. After all the times that we had been so richly blessed by paying our tithes, I just could NOT believe that this was now a commandment that he would not keep. IT is my belief that his disobedience to this principle made it easier for him to then give up observing other gospel principles, and that led DIRECTLY to the demise of our family. I pray that my children will be far more wise and obedient!

During our divorce, while I was living in an apartment, I remember Christopher handing me a "budget" that his father had devised, proving that I could make ends meet with the extremely limited funds. I took one look at the budget and noticed immediately the LACK of TITHING listed. I pointed that out to Christopher and he replied, "Yes, I know, Dad said that you cannot now afford to pay tithing!" I told Christopher, "HONEY, WE CANNOT AFFORD TO NOT PAY OUR TITHING!" And, so it is...

It is my witness and sincere testimony that tithing IS a principle with a promise. I know without a doubt that if I do pay an honest tithe, then I never need fear. OUR needs will be met. I rarely know HOW those needs will be met, but, I KNOW that they will. I have had miracles occur far too often to deny. IT is to me a perfect knowledge that GOD will provide when we show we have the faith to PAY HIM FIRST! Someone said that we do not pay tithing with money, we pay it with faith! That is so true!

I cannot even begin to list all of the times that Heavenly Father has provided for me and my children. I remember when we first moved to Utah. I did NOT have a job yet, and the support payments were not coming in with any kind of regularity. I remember crying in my heart, wondering how I was going to find the money to feed all my 10 children. I just had NO MONEY! I do not even know now why, but, one of my children brought to me a box of books that we had not yet unpacked. I began to unpack the box and as I lifted a book out of the box, money just fell into my lap from inside the book! It was not just a few dollars----it was over $100! I do not know how that money got into that book, I do NOT know why at the very moment of my greatest need, a child of mine was prompted to bring to me that box where that money was. I cannot explain away that miracle. I can not explain any of the miracles. I can only testify that there IS A GOD in the HEAVENS! AND, OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD! HE will provide. HE DOES KEEP HIS PROMISES TO THOSE WHO, in faith, follow HIM. I am so very grateful for HIS constant DIVINE INTERVENTIONS in my life and those of my children. I am humbled that HE DOES HEAR AND ANSWER my petitions. And, though my 10 percent is often just a pittance! I am so very grateful that HE does allow me the privilege to give back to HIM, even though it is so small an amount! I am so very happy and pleased that I can show in this small way, my constant gratitude for HIS constant care.

The HAND of GOD in our lives.....

2009-02-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

I was called in to substitute teach a Seminary class this past Wednesday. I enjoy teaching about the gospel and sharing my testimony that GOD does in fact live and IS as involved in our lives as we are willing to allow HIM. AND, even if we do NOT allow HIM, HE is still there!

Anyway, I was supposed to have the class watch a short video about the Apostle Paul and then have the class fill out a worksheet. The final question on the page, asked the students to reflect upon their lives and share any thing that they knew they had experienced that had help mold them and shape them into what the Lord needed them to be or to do. I was struck by the beauty of God's workmanship in the lives of HIS servants and HIS prophets. It is an awesome thing to look at HIS HAND in their lives.

Take Moses for instance. He was miraculously preserved and taken into Pharaoh's own household, where he received the training and the education and the tutoring that never would have otherwise been possible. And yet, he was also nurtured by his own mother and taught somewhat of the Hebrews thanks to Miriam---his sister's quick response to the Pharaoh's Daughter who found Moses and pulled him to safety; out of the bulrushes and raised him as her own child.

Paul, likewise, was tutored and trained in ways not normally available to those around him. He was a Roman citizen, which allowed him greater freedoms than other Jews were granted. And, because of this, he was able to converse with and gain audience with those in high positions of power----such as King Agrippa! And on and on it goes...the Lord's hand provides the weaving of the tapestry of ALL OUR LIVES so that we each can fulfill our own unique missions while we sojourn upon this earth. It is totally up to us as to whether we avail ourselves to or even acknowledge HIS intricate patterns as HE weaves.

As I tried to share my own fervent testimony that this is the TRUTH---THAT we each do have a mission here on earth and the LORD is involved in our preparation and our paths, I shared just a couple of examples from my own life. I will share them with you now. I am in no way comparing myself to any of the Lord's anointed. I am NO PROPHET. BUT, I do wish to be HIS HANDS while I am here on this earth. One of the ways I feel HE has allowed me to do that--- is by being a mother. I had always wanted to be the mother of a dozen children. I just always wanted my home filled with many children from the time I was very young. And, Heavenly Father provided a means for me to prepare for that role. When I was about 15, our church would meet on Sundays for Sunday School and Sacrament Meeting. But, because in Marquette Michigan, our members traveled great distances to attend, we also had our Priesthood for the men and Relief Society for the women on Sundays as well. This meant that the children were unsupervised for just over an hour. Well, the youth were asked if they would assist in tending the children while their parents were in these additional Sunday meetings. Unfortunately, only two youth volunteered. It was my sister Stacie and myself. SO, Stacie was given an adult to help her tend the children between the ages of 3-11, while I was given the toddlers and infants to 2 years old. I had about 10-12 babies each Sunday. I was alone, in a fairly good sized room and I would just take each baby, one by one and feed them, and then change their diapers and then just go around holding and loving them until their parents came to claim them. I am not sure how many children my sister and the adult woman had, but, I am sure it was probably close to 20! For my part, I LOVED my babies. I was in heaven. Little did I know that I would, myself have 11 of my own babies to love and care for as an adult! I know that the years that I was blessed to care for all those sweet babies, did help prepare me for the demands of having all my own children.

Around this same time period, as I planned what courses I would take during my high school education, there was a great deal of peer pressure AGAINST taking homemaking courses. I am not sure why this was, and I was even more unsure as to WHY I succumbed! I always wanted to be a wife, a homemaker and a mother. AND, the courses of cooking, sewing etc. were essential courses! BUT, those who took those courses were demeaned and made to feel as though they were less intelligent for taking those courses. ( NOT too many years later, I truly lamented my poor choices in courses and that I had NOT taken any Home Economic courses! ) But, instead, I signed up for Anatomy and Physiology, Biology, Integrated Chemistry and Physics---for two years! etc. I struggled with the math and the science courses, but, I would not yield, I stayed the course of taking all the difficult courses. I went into Nursing, and after becoming a Licensed Practical Nurse, worked for 2 years before marrying and beginning the family I had always wanted. My education---(for I did want to get my RN or B.S.N)...was quickly placed on the shelf as I settled into doing what my heart wanted all along---and what I had dreamed of---finally became a reality and I was blessed with all my beautiful babies!

It was not until 2006 (nearly 30 years AFTER my graduation from High School!) when I saw the reason for the weaving of the tapestry of my life's high school course choices. I was on trial and fighting for the custody of my 8 minor children. I had chosen to home-school them once again---after the divorce. We had moved to Utah and I had complied with the court's order to enroll them in public school upon our arrival in Utah. But, since none of my children had ever been in a school setting, it was such a shock, AND, coupled with the divorce---the rending of our family---well, the children were floundering. AND so, I decided that it would be best to home school, once again. I was not at all aware that it would mean I could lose my children. BUT, my ex-husband, who has always had the means to have the very best legal representation---used this "breach in the divorce decree" ( my return to home educating my children) to alter custody. IT was the fight of my life. I was in shock. I had no idea that I would come so very close to losing my children. BUT, there I was, in the most adversarial of situations. And, the opposing attorney was attempting to portray me as an ignorant woman, who was--for all my adult years, barefoot and pregnant and knew little else. As he began to interrogate me, he asked, so very snidely, "Can you read?" I said that of course I could read! He then asked me what courses I had taken in High School. I was unprepared for the shock that rippled through the courtroom as I felt the strength of the LORD whispering what my response should be....I began to state the Honor's English classes, and the Anatomy and Physiology and ended with the Integrated Chemistry and Physics! ( My ex-husband obviously did NOT know that I had taken such courses in High School because his attorney was silent for a time!) It was tangible, the shift in attitude. It was THEN I realized how far back Heavenly Father had been preparing me for that pivotal moment in time! I was so very humbled that HE would have cared so about my maintaining custody of my children, to have so weaved the tapestry of my life! (I am sure it also helped to be able to share with the court that my oldest son, who had been home schooled exclusively by me, had just taken his GED in order to get into college and he had scored in the top 5 percent of the entire nation!!! So, clearly, I had NOT failed my children in their education.)

That two-day court appearance was without a doubt, the very worst experience of my life in many ways. I was in tears, sobbing as the judge raised her voice and refused to allow me to explain the answers the opposing attorney was extracting from me. Yet, through-out the horror, I felt my Heavenly Father's strength and I knew HE was assisting me, bringing answers to my mind and enlightening me as to what I needed to say.

I was told the judge would deliberate and her decision would be made and communicated to me prior to the beginning of the school year. The trial was held the last two days of July in 2006. I can not even begin to relate the agony of those weeks which stretched into months. Finally, when I felt I could endure the agony of NOT KNOWING whether I would retain custody of my children or not----I remember praying fervently, as I was sitting outside the school, waiting for my children to finish their recess. I just began weeping and petitioning the Lord for my children. It was now NOVEMBER! I went home and noticed that my attorney had called. I called her back and she told me that she knew I would be distraught at not knowing, so she said she had not even read the entire brief, but, that she had read enough to know that though there were stipulations, I was, in fact, being permitted to retain custody! As I write this account, my eyes are filled with tears as the memory of that ordeal is still so poignant and raw. I can not recall the trial or the call from my attorney without shedding tears afresh.

BUT, again, I say with all the fervor of my being, that GOD DOES LIVE! That JESUS IS THE CHRIST! THE HOLY GHOST DOES whisper and CAN AND WILL reveal the Lord's will to us, if we will but listen! I know this, because I have had to rely upon the GODHEAD so very often in my life. And, I KNOW that if THEY are willing to be there for me---an insignificant, weak and most unworthy vessel, THEY are most assuredly available and willing to be there for YOU! For all of us! WE are ALL important to THEM! I praise THEIR NAMES forever and I know I am nothing without THEM! I have done nothing on my own....I am so very grateful none of us are required to do any of this alone! I pray that I will be found worthy to do whatever is needed to be THEIR hands while I remain on this earth.

Random Musings

2009-02-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

January 13, 2009 at just minutes before 4 p.m., my firstborn, my daughter, Bonnie, had her first child. He came into the world after many difficult hours of labor and was 8 pounds, 2 ounces, 21 inches long and had an amazing head of thick, long dark hair! It is impossible for me to articulate the jumble of emotions that surrounded that blessed event. I could not help recall my own travail for each of my own beautiful 11 babies. My heart went out to Bonnie as I watched her suffering---knowing I would willingly have taken the pain for her, but, alas, that of course was an impossibility. I wished that I was back in time and was the one in travail, wishing with all my heart that I could relive the moments just after each of my precious babies were placed in MY ARMS! I watched in awe as I saw the same wonderment and fulfillment fill my daughter's eyes as Trevor was handed to her. I saw firsthand the circle of life and I was mesmerized by the colossal beauty of this divine process. And, I knew, that though the pain was just moments past, that pain would soon be swallowed up and swiftly forgotten as the love and the inherent miracle of birth, bound up those fleeting feelings of suffering and in its place allows only the deepest reverence and love to remain.

Trevor has not been a baby that sleeps much, if at all. The ironic thing is that my last post relating to my children was about Carrie Ann, and she too, was not a baby that would ever sleep or eat! I was fortunate if I was able to snatch 45 minutes at a time--of sleep, for the first 6 months of Carrie's life! And, Carrie Ann was the babe that introduced me to the world of mastitis! Yet, I could not have loved her more. I found that there was nothing that my children could do that would keep me from loving them so fiercely and so deeply, that in an instant, then as now, I would gladly give my life for them or do whatever feat might be required to keep them safe. I find it also ironic that it is now Carrie Ann that is staying with Bonnie, Scott and Trevor as the helper I would dearly love to be if so many states did NOT divide us from each other! Having 6 children still at home, and being a single Mom with a job----I could only take one precious week to be with Bonnie as she entered the world of parenting! I wish with all my heart that I could be as close, if not closer to her as I am so very blessed to be to my son, Christopher, Susie and my little grand-daughter. I am so very grateful for the awesome blessing I have to babysit my Becca three days a week---on average----while her parents attend school. I am praying for the day to swiftly arrive when Bonnie, Scott and Trevor will be nearer, so that I can be the Grandmother I have always longed to be for my children's children!

It is such an incredible experience to be given this instructive perspective first as a child---and if we focus we do NOT have to lose that perspective or any of those we gain as we grow and mature!!! It has been invaluable to recall how I did feel as a child, or as a teen or as a young mother when mentoring those I love most and those I wish to assist! (Which is everyone that would appreciate encouragement and love~!) It also serves to humble and continue the tutoring from on high, when I see how I would reach out to prevent certain hurts and pain, yet, I know because of my maturation process, I can NOT. IF I were to remove those pains and sorrows, much of the character building would be diminished if not vanish altogether. SO, I watch as I see MY HEAVENLY FATHER, allowing me to suffer the pains of my travail of my own spirit and character. AT times, I am submissive and humble and think to THANK HIM for this wondrous process of development and growth. Then, sadly, there are STILL TIMES when I shrink and shout at the heavens for the inevitable pain that comes from my own poor choices or folly or misguided actions. I pray that I will live long enough and REMEMBER WELL ENOUGH AND to THANK THE LORD GOD IN ALL THINGS!!! AND,also, to mellow to the point where I never again charge my Heavenly Father falsely! I am nearing a century of this life's experiences. I pray that I can become a more grateful, sober, kind, thoughtful, loving and obedient Child of GOD! I pray that my children will see my weaknesses and have the good sense to only replicate any strengths that they may see in me or others, and eliminate any of the negative examples, regardless of where they were seen!

I am so very grateful for the opportunity I have had to be a mother and now a grandmother. I look forward eagerly to the day when OUR family will be together here on the earth and in the eternities.

Carrie Ann Hildebrandt----part two!

2008-12-28T16:50:00.000-08:00

Carrie was probably my most difficult baby! I can say that now, after having had 11! She would NOT sleep and she would NOT nurse well at all. It was Carrie that introduced me to wonderful world of mastitis! I was so very miserable. I think back and I marvel that I was able to endure the well over 6 months of no sleep! I had 4 little children to watch in addition to trying everything I could think of---day and night---to quiet Carrie and encourage her to eat and sleep. NOTHING worked! I remember being so very weary and pleading with my husband if he would just take one night feeding for me, so I could try and sleep for longer than 45 minutes at a time. He was appalled that I would even ask....he later told me that he had talked to those at the Dental School, where he was attending to get his masters, and he also spoke with those he worked with at the Mall Dental Practice in Detroit. He told me that everyone he spoke with shared his disbelief that I would even ask him to sacrifice HIS sleep when he was working and going to school... after all, I WAS JUST a stay at home mom, so what else was I required to do but take care of the children!!! I felt betrayed and alone and hurt beyond belief!

It was during this same time period that a dear friend came over to see what she could do to help me as I was struggling with the mastitis and sleep deprivation. I shared with her my fears that I had made a horrible mistake. She thought I was referring to having so many babies so close together. I assured her that was NOT my mistake, I loved my children and had always wanted a dozen. I had wanted my children close together so that they would have a strong bond with each other! NO, the mistake I felt sure I had made was in my choice of a companion. It was increasingly clear that he was not interested in being a true companion to me. It was a bitter revelation. But, one that I did nothing about until my hand was forced 11 long and bitter years later!

Anyway, back to Carrie! She did finally settle down. It is so ironic to me that at this moment in time, Carrie is in Minnesota assisting her oldest sister with her firstborn son----Trevor. And, as it so happens, Trevor is so very similar to Carrie! HE too has NOT been able to sleep for any length of time---just short cat-naps! And, he too, has had difficulty in nursing. He, too, introduced Bonnie to the world of mastitis! And, it has been vital for Carrie to be there so that she can watch the baby while Bonnie and Scott are able to get some rest! I am so very proud of the fact that Carrie has been willing to sacrifice her time and dreams for this moment to help her sister make the transition to motherhood! I wish I could be the one to be there, caring for both my daughter and my new grandson! What a blessing to be able to send Carrie to take my place, since I still have 6 children at home who need me and depend upon me. I also can not take that kind of time off work either. Being a single mom does have its many limitations!!! But, with the wonderful, awesome, amazing children I have been so blessed to bear---they are for each other exactly what I hoped and prayed that they would be! THEY do have a strong bond of love and concern for each other that is beautiful to behold!

There just is nothing else on this earth as precious to me as my children. It is the greatest joy to see them grow, mature and serve not only each other, but all those around them. Having a son and a daughter serve missions for our church also has been a rich reward.

Carrie was asked to participate in the Miss Bear River Valley pageant this past summer. Again, I was in awe at her poise, her beauty both inward and outward! Her talent posed a huge dilemma. She is an artist, and she wanted to draw a portrait of the Savior to reverent music. The problem, they would ONLY allow her two minutes to complete the portrait. She could NOT begin it early, she could NOT complete it on stage, it ALL had to be done before the audience within the two minute time frame. I was in awe as I watched Carrie practice and practice to get her drawing done within the 2 minute time frame. She went from completing the portrait in 10 minutes to finally mastering it within the 2 minutes! IT was NOT the quality that she had hoped, but, I was amazed at how well she did and what a great portrait she was able to produce. I have witnessed her indomitable spirit all throughout her life. She is constantly beset with setbacks, and yet, I watch her square her shoulders and begin again, as often as she must to finally succeed! She is a marvelous daughter and I cherish our relationship!

PROPHETS AND APOSTLES ARE ONCE AGAIN ON THE EARTH!!!

2008-10-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

Yes! It is TRUE! We do have a Prophet and 12 Apostles that are directed and guided by Jesus Christ and God, our Eternal Father! It is THE greatest GOOD NEWS possible! And, I just want to share that with the world! I am so very grateful that we are so very blessed to have divine direction and revelation once again on the earth! And, every six months, we are privileged to hear them speak! It is the highlight of my year to spend two days just listening to the Prophet and his counselors and the members of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles! As well as the leaders of the women's auxiliaries and the Quorum of the 70.

My children and I have, for years, made this semi-annual event one of the most valued and most anticipated of all events! TO think that we are able to hear the word of GOD given to HIS Prophet and Apostles! It is truly a spiritual feast! AND, I know that I always am so very grateful that we are so blessed!

For years, it was necessary for us to travel to the church and listen to these great men and women via a satellite broadcast. AND, as my husband worked Saturdays, if I wanted to attend, it required a huge effort on my part to get all the children dressed in Sunday Dress, pack whatever provisions we needed, ie. diapers, lunches and quiet toys, to keep all the children quiet and reverent. The broadcast would begin around 11 am and last until 1 pm, with a two hour break, and then there would be the next session that began at 3 pm and last until 5 pm. To conserve on gas and the hassle of gathering all the children---(which, I had up to 9 children while we were in Michigan and of course, all 11 children in Minnesota!) I would just pack for the entire day! Eventually, I hit upon the idea to have the older children rewarded if they were taking notes and paying attention! I brought candy and goodies for all the children that were quiet and reverent enough to allow me to listen to what was being said!

Now, it was completely selfish, my rewarding the children for their reverence! I wanted more than anything, to listen and to learn! FOR me, this was the OIL that I needed to fill my lamp---so to speak! I knew that I would be a much better wife, mother, friend, and neighbor, if I was able to hear what the messages from a Prophet of God! AND, I yearned so for the spiritual renewal that accompanied their messages, and their very spirits! Little did I know that I was planting seeds that would bring forth great fruit! You see, it never occurred to me that anyone would NOT want to participate in Conference! I just never could fathom anyone NOT valuing this sacred privilege to sit, so to speak, at the Prophet's feet!

And, that attitude has been transferred to my children----perhaps it is just the treats that they yearn for, but, in time, I pray it will be far more that they look forward to. For the older children that have already left the nest, I believe that they do consider Conference as valuable as I always have.

I just received today, an email from my daughter who is currently serving a mission for our church. She thanked me for her "conference treat box!" and told me that it provided great comfort to her to know that though we could not be with each other, at least we were all watching conference together---though the distances divide, we were united in our faith, our worship and the messages that we heard, those, we were able to share! She told me how grateful she was that I had always made the sacrifice to take all the children with me and to make it a rewarding experience. You see, many of their friends' parents would take turns attending sessions, so that the children did not have to sit through so many hours of church! But, to me, it was an honor to feel the spirit that was so strongly with those men and women of GOD! And, I was probably even more anxious to listen to all the sessions, because as a youth, we were in Marquette, Michigan and the area stations would only broadcast one session of the five! I had always wished that we could hear each and every session; but it just was NOT a possibility!

SO, my joy was full when I was newly married and I discovered that if we would just go to the Stake Center, where the satellite dish was, we could hear and see every session! What a blessing that has been to me for all these near 30 years! There are some talks that I will never ever forget, as long as I live! There are some moments, where the spirit was so very strong, that there just could be no doubt that a Prophet of GOD was speaking!

I am so very humbled that our Heavenly Father cares so very much about EACH of US that HE provides a Prophet, Apostles and other wonderful, dedicated and worthy leaders to guide, direct and lead us. These awesome men and women are much like the Savior, in that they live exemplary lives and radiate such a light that it just fills my soul with great joy and peace. I am so very grateful for them, for this gospel of Jesus Christ and for the daily help that is available to us all, if we will just pray earnestly! HE DOES HEAR and ANSWER our Prayers! And, HE does speak to HIS PROPHET and APOSTLES and HE DOES DIRECT HIS CHURCH---PERSONALLY! WE DO HAVE AN AWESOME GOD!

Carrie Ann Hildebrandt

2008-08-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I had written an entire post for Carrie, and it was just swiftly swept away, thanks to the wonderful world of computer glitches! I will begin again! Carrie Ann is my 4th daughter, 5th child. Carrie Ann was born in Ann Arbor, Michigan January 27th, 1990 at just after 1:00 in the morning. She was due February 4th and I was hoping that she would wait one more day and share my mother's birth date of February 5th! I had decided early on that I wanted to have a baby in each of the 12 months of the year. I had January covered with Christopher's birth! So, having a due date of February was perfect. I had the months of March, June and August covered as well...my plan was unfolding perfectly! But, it was not to be...

My mother had been able to come to assist me the latter part of January. I had (my now) weekly appointment with the Nurse Mid-wife on January 26th, and I had a long list of things to do that day as well. Mom stayed with the other children at our apartment at the University of Michigan's student housing while I took myself to my "routine" appointment. I was still suffering from nausea and vomiting. I had been losing weight throughout the pregnancy--this was typical for me. I think I had only gained 10 pounds by this time, and I was just days away from being full term! The one thing that was NOT typical was a reoccurring sense that I was NOT pregnant. NOW because I had gained so little, it might have just been that, but, when I would lay down on my bed, and I tried to feel my baby, it seemed that I was NOT pregnant. It was such an odd feeling, and it was very unsettling. I decided that I would just mention it to the nurse mid-wife. I will always be eternally grateful that I did. Rather than just dismiss my unsettled feelings, she insisted that we do a fetal stress test. During the test, I could see that the technician was concerned. After the test, I met again with the mid-wife, and she told me that she had some concerns and felt it was imperative that I be admitted immediately.

I told her that today just was NOT a good day for me. I told her that I just had too many pressing errands, but, I told her that I would happily return after I had done at least a few things on my list. Then, the Mid-wife shocked me by stating that if I left the hospital then, she could NOT guarantee that my baby would survive. Well, that got my attention! I tearfully called my mother and told her that I was being admitted right that minute and I requested that she convey the news to Gary. I then began praying fervently for the safety of my baby.

I was given an IV and they began to administer pitocin to induce labor. But, the dosage, though it produced contractions, did NOT effectively help in the progression of the labor. So, I was given a hand-held mask and was told that with the contractions, I could inhale the nitrous oxide to help mitigate the pain. Gary was sitting in the chair next to my bed and dosed off and on through-out the night. Steadily over eight hours, they increased the dose, but, to no avail. I was no closer to delivering the baby, and the signs of fetal distress were becoming more and more alarming. By the time midnight arrived, an OB/GYN was in my room telling me that they could wait no longer to deliver the baby. I was going to have to sign the papers and they would be prepping me for a C-Section. I was scared and I was concerned for the life of my baby. I prayed once again, and pleaded with the Lord to allow the baby to be born, safely and swiftly.

Then, just minutes after they had turned OFF the pitocin drip, I had a SUPER contraction. Then, another and another. The pain was so very intense, it was all I could do to just hold onto the mask and inhale the nitrous as deeply as possible! By the time the fourth contraction hit, I was unable to move the mask from my face, but, I could feel the baby crowning! Gary, was asleep and I could not get his attention. I prayed again for help and the nurse entered the room. As she lifted the sheet to check me, she saw the baby crowning and things began to roll! Within the next 10 minutes, Carrie was born! It was then clear as to the reason her heart-rate dropped with her movements and with my contractions. The cord was wrapped multiple times and so very tightly around her tiny neck! It took a great deal of effort just to cut the cord from around her neck! How grateful I was that the nurse mid-wife was so very in tune. I knew at that moment that had I left the hospital that day, without mentioning my fears, without that stress test, Carrie would have strangled to death prior to a chance at birth. What a miracle and a huge blessing!

Colleen Janelle Hildebrandt

2008-08-10T16:46:00.000-07:00

It has been a few posts since I have focused on my children---so, I will continue on with my fourth child; third daughter. Colleen was born August 26, 1988. It was of course, the hottest summer on record, and the heat wave did NOT cease UNTIL the day AFTER Colleen was born!!! I remember early in my pregnancy with Colleen there were some huge trials. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and during her subsequent surgery and recovery, I was so very ill with "morning sickness!" I never ever will understand why it is called "MORNING SICKNESS" as for me, it was all day and all night sickness! I was usually admitted to the hospital for dehydration because I could not keep much of anything down early in my pregnancies. SO, in the midst of feeling so very miserable, I wanted to spend as much time with my Mother as I could. Additionally, after Mom's surgery, I found myself grappling with some shocking news of my own. My physician told me that I had breast cancer and an immediate surgery might be necessary. I had had some bloody exudate and so, a mammogram was scheduled. I was more upset that I would NOT be able to nurse my baby, than with the actual cancer news. All of my maternal relatives had had breast cancer, so I was resigned to that being my future. But, I was not prepared to deal with it at the age of 29! I was sure I would be allowed to have and nurse all my babies before that was my fate. AND, I had always planned on at least a dozen children! I must say that I was truly blessed in that I was able to have all 11 of my children and to nurse 10 of my children without ever having to face the diagnosis of cancer after this first scare!

Providently, the mammogram proved that I did NOT in fact have cancer. And, I was able to complete the pregnancy and have my daughter. I know that I did, in fact, relish nursing her far more than I had my other children. Funny how the threat of a loss helps you to savor what you do have! Colleen was a beautiful baby! AND, it was such an easy labor and delivery! She was nearly 9 pounds and for me, the bigger the baby, the easier it was for me to deliver that baby! I remember looking at her and just feeling so much joy and love! I have never found the miracle of birth anything but divine and a truly spiritual and elevating experience! What an overwhelming gift it is to participate in the bringing forth life! I would have stayed in that phase of my life forever if I only could have! To me, there is simply no other thing that I have done on this earth that even comes close to being as grand and glorious! It is such an honor and a privilege to be a part of this process of Heavenly Father's Plan of happiness. To be a co-creator and to witness HIS hand in every facet of this birth process is so very humbling and amazing to me.

Colleen's name was chosen by her father. He had seen a video called "The Award" and the heroine of the movie was a young woman named "Colleen" I thought it was sweet that he had selected that name and wanted to show her the video as she matured in the hopes that she too, would be a force for good and righteousness! Is that not what we want for all of our children? To help them find a hero to follow and to encourage them to model their lives after that hero! That is exactly what our Heavenly Father and Mother wish for us as well! And, THEY have provided that HERO to follow! They sent THEIR PERFECT SON, Jesus Christ, to show us the way that will lead us back to life with THEM! HE, Jesus, IS the perfect role-model! There just is not any situation that we will encounter that IF we will but follow HIM, we will succeed! That is just another witness to me that our Heavenly Parents DO want us to come back to them! They have done all possible to provide for our success! All we have to do is TRUST THEM and FOLLOW the Savior that they have provided!

Colleen has always loved her Savior. It was Colleen that would wear the WWJD bracelets and the only jewelry around her neck was a crucifix. Colleen has a very sensitive soul and she has always fought for the outcast and the loner. Colleen has a tender heart and she has always been sensitive and demonstrative. Colleen was the one that stepped up to the plate and took on so many of the household tasks while I was working long hours---18 hour shifts and so, for some time, was only able to work and sleep! I never ever heard her murmur with the increased work load. At this time, I still had 8 at home and Colleen essentially was the mom! I will never ever be able to express my deepest gratitude and love for Colleen! Her self-less service to her family was crucial and was the only reason our family did survive some of the darkest days I was ever forced to face.

I know that each of my children are very special spirit children of OUR Heavenly Parents. I know that they each have come to me with their own unique gifts and talents and I know that they each have enriched my life beyond measure, beyond my ability to express my deep felt gratitude and love. And, I pray that each of my children----especially Colleen, at this point and time---will know how I love and adore them. Colleen, you are a beautiful, special and choice daughter of God and it has been my privilege and my greatest honor to know you and to share this briefest---(for to me it is all too brief before they do leave my nest and venture out into the world!) period of time. Thankfully, we are working toward becoming an eternal family unit and it is my most fervent wish that we will be together forever, living forever in the presence of our Heavenly Parents and OUR BELOVED Savior!

I really do love you, Colleen!

Pioneer Day, Pioneer Heritage

2008-07-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

OK, so hopefully I have not missed the chance to post on this day! Pioneer Day is celebrated here in Utah July 24th! It is a state holiday in which all the area businesses are closed and there are parades and picnics and fireworks---fireworks that rival those on July 4th! At least that is the way it used to be. This evening, though, for the first time in years, the city did NOT set off fireworks. Evidently, it is now considered an affront to celebrate such a "religious" holiday. There are those that are not "MORMON" and do not share the legacy of faith and sacrifice exhibited by the pioneers that settled this state.

You know, it really is not at all about religion---at least it doesn't have to be. I think that any group of people that served humanity as well, should absolutely be honored. I happily celebrate other holidays that are not exclusively my own or relate to my own heritage. I wear green on St. Patrick's Day and I am neither Catholic or Irish! BUT, I can get just as excited about going "green" as anyone else! Why is it that we are all so very easily offended by other's beliefs and traditions? Why can we not all be happy for the distinct heritages and, as a courtesy, be tolerant and polite and be genuinely happy to honor and celebrate with other cultures, people and religions--- those fore bearers that have given us whatever honorable legacy that they have?

I am so very proud and feel a great sense of reverence for my own pioneer heritage. I am in awe of the multitude of sacrifices and the legacy of faith and perseverance. There are so many lessons that the pioneers left for us all---whether we are their direct descendants or not!

For instance, did you know that the Mormon Trail was improved upon by each company that used it, for the express purpose of making the trail more passable and pleasant for the next group to traverse its path? That is in stark contrast to the California/Oregon Trail. Those travelers, bent upon seeking their own fortunes, and so filled with greed, were intent to prevent any future travelers from ever making the journey---or at least they were willing to destroy the path and make the journey far more arduous. In this day where sacrifice and concern for others seems to be so very rare, I feel it is imperative that we hold aloft that pioneer behavior as an ensign to all people. How wonderful it would be if we had far more individuals that were willing to emulate that type of behavior. All of society benefits when we focus on such positive role models. Isn't it these type of morals and values that we desperately need to inculcate in our youth of today? How do we do that UNLESS we honor and celebrate those who have shown such character---not just in a time of ease and luxury, but, during some of the most difficult and trying times of privation and struggle? Believe me, the pioneers did not have a life of ease, and yet, most did, in fact, exhibit the greatest kind of self-sacrifice and concern and character imaginable!

Many left well established, comfortable homes and communities. Many were forced out into the winter cold to suffer, and some died due to the cruel, harsh exposure to the bitter elements. They had no idea where they would eventually settle. They just knew they were to head west, following their newly appointed Prophet and leader, Brigham Young. And, in spite of the most severe persecution and hostile treatment---many lost their homes to deliberately set fires, or they were driven at gun-point, from their lands---none of the Mormon Pioneer's sought to return evil for the evil way in which they were treated! They submissively left home, lands and possessions in order to seek a haven in the west where they could worship GOD and peacefully live the gospel of Jesus Christ. Remember that when they fled the Midwest, there were no Walmart stores, no 7-Eleven convenience stores with which to purchase needed supplies! They had to rely on the Lord, and upon their wits and they were so very creative in meeting their needs!

Again, I say, I am in awe of the great sacrifices and the great courage, strength and perseverance exhibited daily as the pioneers went west to find a refuge from the hatred and abuse of those who misunderstood them. Today, I reverence their memory and their legacy and I pray for an increase in tolerance for all. I am certain that tolerance and true love of all mankind is what they would seek for us, especially since that is what was denied to them! I long for the day when all men and women can treat each other as the Savior taught us to treat each other. And, I am certain that the most important thing I can do, is make certain that I behave so within the walls of my own home, in my own community and among my own family, neighbors, acquaintances and friends. "Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with ME!"

Reverence

2008-07-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

I am going to depart yet one more time from my tributes to my children. It has struck me that we as a society have lost so very much in such a short period of time. I am referring to a sense of courteous regard and reverence for things that are sacred and holy. All around, in so many facets of life, I see those individuals and even groups that are blatantly mocking, ridiculing and deriding people, customs, ideals and practices that just a couple of generations ago were given proper respect and held in quiet awe.

With the media's control over the minds of those that submerge themselves in it's filth, I do not see much hope in a return to an attitude of reverence for our society as a whole. The only hope we have will come from a groundswell of individuals, families and communities that are able to shake off the shackles of the media's deadening of the soul's innate light. The light of Christ is given to all, but, we can extinguish that light so easily if we are not diligent in nourishing the thoughts and feelings that are pure, sacred, holy and divine.

While working in a care center several years ago, I had the privilege of caring for those that had lived long lives and now were no longer able to care for themselves. It was one of the most rewarding of all my experiences, and yet, it was also one of the saddest experiences--in that so many were just treated as cast-offs by their families. Rarely did some even see a family member. There were a few that had loving support and frequent visits from their loved ones, but, unfortunately, that was the exception, rather than the rule. And, this is a small community! I firmly believe that there is a strong correlation between how we honor, care and respect our elderly (and our young) and our level of Christian charity in our homes and our community.

Of the myriad of my experiences in that setting, I would like to share one poignant event. I had cared for Mr. Jones (not his real name) for many months. I watched as he rather rapidly lost all ability to care for himself and then, as he lost his mobility as well. He had been a farmer, and his body was used to hard labor. But, once relegated to the confines of his tiny room, with no useful work required of him, he deteriorated so quickly. Having witnessed the final breaths of several of the residents, I was certain that he, too, was near to drawing his last breath. A few of the Nursing Assistants that I supervised stood reverently with me as I held his hands. Tears welled up in my eyes and were spilling down my cheeks as I felt the spirit so very strongly. I have felt such an awe and reverence for the experiences of both the end of life;death and the beginning of life;birth. The spirit at each of these sacred events has always touched me deeply. Well, as I said, there were three of us, just quietly standing by as Mr. Jones was entering the after-life. I was not the only one shedding tears either, when, another Nursing Assistant abruptly entered the room and loudly asked, "Well, is he dead yet?" The sacred feeling fled and I now was crying for the affront to Mr. Jones. How is it possible that anyone can become so very callous to others? Did it help that I explained the sense of HEARING is the last sense to shut-down during death? NO, my entreaties for an increase of respect for the deceased fell on deaf ears.

All I can do is pray that I never lose my sense of the sacred and try even harder to instill those values and sensitivities in my own children. Unfortunately, a sense of reverence can not be imparted from one to another, rather, it must come from deep within our own spiritual reservoir. If we choose to seek and develop it, we can. But, it is a journey that is individual. And, as one of our Primary Children's Songs states, Reverence is MORE than Just Quietly Sitting, It's thinking of Father Above---It's a FEELING! It is deep devotion and awe coupled with quiet reflection.

Some of the things I hold in high regard, I reverence and I revere are:
1.) The Sacrifice and Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ!
2.) The GODHEAD, meaning our Heavenly Father, His SON Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. Three distinct personages with three separate responsibilities yet all sharing the same mission, that of ministering to us! How amazing is that!
3.) The Sacrifice of all those that have provided us with our freedoms, our privileges---not just those that have fought and died for our country, but those that all throughout time have laid down their lives in defense of what they believed. Take William Tyndale, he suffered for 18 months and was finally strangled and burned to death. His crime? He translated the Bible so that the layman would be able to understand and read it! History is replete with such hero's! They ALL deserve our love, adoration and reverence.
4.) Birth
5.) Death
6.) Those that are suffering, the handicapped, the aged, the infirm and all children.
7.) Marriage between a man and a woman; baptism and any other ordinance
8.) The scriptures, all sacred writings
9.) Holy Edifices, such as our churches, Temples etc.
10.) Our flag
11.) Our bodies, which means we do not expose our bodies, but we dress modestly and do not purposely mar or destroy it.
12.) Our parents and grandparents--our families

That is just the short list. I am certain there are many others that could be added to the list. BUT suffice it to say that we as a society must return to a sense of reverence or in time, we will find that there will be no regard for any one's feelings or respect for anyone or anything at all.

Finally, I wish to plead with any reading this post to reject the current tide of profanity. I believe that as we allow and accept the current trend of increased profanity, the coarsening of our society will continue. We must stand firm and be better examples of purity in our vocabularies and lead out in expressing ourselves with civility and courtesy! May we all become a leavening agent and the much needed antidote to our society's current degradation.

United States of AMERICA---land that I LOVE!!!

2008-07-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

THIS is one of my favorite holidays today! I LOVE the 4th of July; NOT for the picnics, NOT for the summertime activities available, not even totally for the fireworks! NO, I LOVE the 4th of July because it is a day of reverent celebration for me, personally! I have cringed with complete disdain as I have witnessed HISTORY REVISIONISM try to tear apart and destroy the great Founding Father's reputations. I have been near tears as I have heard from youth, their lack of respect or reverence for those great men and women of yester-years, and for the lack of respect and reverence for those who bravely and courageously choose to fight to keep this great land free today!

I do not know exactly how I became such a devoted patriot. My father served our country, yet he did not speak much of that service. But, as a young girl, I devoured biographies! I loved to read about real people and their lives. I know I read biographies of many of the great men and women that provided us with our freedoms today. I was deeply moved at their willingness to trade their tomorrows so that I could have my today! I guess I have felt that there really is no way to properly or adequately show my deep sense of gratitude for their ultimate sacrifices and honorable service! Yet, if I always retain in my memory and I share my awe and gratitude with my children and my grandchildren, perhaps I can be a part of a legacy of love and appreciation for this land, our freedom and my immense love and appreciation for those that have, from it's inception, made our freedom a reality!

I hope and pray that my family will NEVER forget nor take for granted the truth that our freedom has never come free! That a great deal of precious blood was spilt in order for us to have all the rights and privileges that we enjoy. And, that each individual that has sacrificed their all for others; for us, is in fact, a type of Savior! How grateful I am for our divine Redeemer, OUR SAVIOR who not only gave HIS life for us, but HE LIVED A PERFECT LIFE for us. His life was the perfect example of how we can find true liberty---freedom from sin, guilt, hate, destructive habits and behaviors. HE led the way and gave to us the LIGHT by which we can navigate through the dark days that often plague us as we journey on this earth.

The Prophet Joseph Smith--A Great Man, An Awesome Legacy

2008-06-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

Today is the 164th anniversary of the martyrdom of our Prophet, Joseph Smith. He was murdered during his incarceration at Carthage Jail, in Carthage Illinois, after being unjustly imprisoned. His brother Hyrum was also murdered on that fateful day.

I can not recall the story of their deaths, and that of another of their brothers, Samuel, shortly thereafter, without tears welling up in my eyes. How Lucy Mack Smith, their mother, endured the loss of three sons through such horrendous means---cold-blooded murder, or how their wives, also endured their loss, I just can not imagine.

Yet, it is because Joseph Smith labored all his life to restore the true church of Jesus Christ, that the ordinances and the promises of having our families sealed to us; to live forever together in the next life-- are once again available to us all!

I owe so very much to this great man, this amazing prophet of God. My life would be so very different had he not been so very courageous and valiant in serving our God. It is through him that I have received the greatest blessings that I have, bar none. I was baptized at 8 years of age because Joseph Smith restored the true Priesthood of God and the keys of authority were once again given to man to perform these saving ordinances! I can now return to live with my Heavenly Father and My Heavenly Mother, along with all my kindred, if I just remain faithful until the end!

And on numerous occasions, I have requested Priesthood blessings, for sickness, for stress or for counsel, and again, because Joseph Smith restored the Priesthood authority, many times, I have witnessed the power of God through the men of our day which hold that same Priesthood authority; passed down directly from our beloved Prophet, Joseph Smith who received his authority directly from Peter, James, John and John the Baptist, who of course, received their authority from Jesus Christ, HIMSELF.

My understanding of my Savior and Redeemer, my ability to read precious passages about the atonement that was wrought through Jesus Christ, My LORD and my all, have been made possible because Joseph Smith translated the ancient record of the Nephites and Lamanites---now called the Book of Mormon. These ancient prophets also testified of Jesus Christ and some actually saw HIM face to face. Their clear and concise testimonies of our Savior are so very sweet to me.

The perfect plan of happiness which is authored by our Loving Father in Heaven was also provided to us through this sacred record, the Book of Mormon, which is a perfect companion to the Bible. Joseph Smith provided additional scriptures and all that he was able to reveal using the power given to him by GOD, has only increased and enlightened my understanding of the truths found in the Bible.

I have been blessed to be born and raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I do not know how I would have ever been able to raise my own children with the standards, morals and the truths of Jesus Christ's ministry and His admonitions of correct and Christian living without being a member of this wonderful church and having all the awesome resources that this church provides.

My heart is so very full of the deepest gratitude today, for the self-less sacrifice of one of the greatest men to walk this earth, even Joseph Smith. I just would not even wish to know how very different my life would be without all that he did provide us with as he courageously and boldly restored to the earth, the true Church of Jesus Christ, along with all of it's saving ordinances, and doctrines and teachings. I would not be who I am today without the hope, faith and baptism that he did restore to the earth on April 6th, 1830. I am humbled that he did do so very much for all mankind. And, because all of God's prophets are a type of Jesus Christ, in many ways, he exemplified the Master whom he served! He was a witness for the Savior and he gave his life for him and for us as well.

I love the Lord, and I humbly bow before HIM and before the great men of all the ages that have served HIM as HIS prophets. I pray that one day, I will be given the privilege to thank all those great prophets, Joseph Smith being one, that have been God's voice to direct HIS people on this earth. For, I have been so very blessed by their sacrifices, their examples and their very lives. I pray that I will in some small way, be just as serviceable to the LORD in helping and loving and caring for my fellowmen while I inhabit this earth.

Another Miracle and more of GOD's Tender Mercies

2008-06-25T06:58:00.000-07:00

When Kathryn was born June 19, 1986, we were living in Royal Oak, Michigan. We had moved out of the apartment in Southfield, Michigan and had left all of our dear friends in the Southfield Ward. We began attending church in the Royal Oak Ward. As I mentioned in my previous post, I had suffered an auto accident while pregnant with Kathryn, my third child, second daughter. When Kathryn was born, she seemed perfect in every way. She was so very beautiful!

By this time, Gary was not happy working at the Dental Office in the mall, doing Dentistry. He was making an excellent income, but, he was not happy. The malpractice crisis hit, meaning that due to everyone under the sun deciding to get rich quick by suing every medical/dental professional---all those professionals had their premiums for malpractice insurance increased by 400% I am not even kidding! We could NOT afford the premiums and it was financial suicide to go without that type of insurance. So, that factor, along with Gary not being happy in the mall practice caused us to look at his career path and we jointly decided that Gary would be happier going back to school to do something else with his life. I just firmly believed that if Gary was happier, we all would be happier. So, supporting him in returning to school was not a difficult decision.

We did a lot of research to decide just what he would go back to school for, and eventually he decided that he would like to get his masters or maybe even his doctorate in Dentistry and use that to remain at the Dental School, teaching and doing research. He loved the academic atmosphere and this would allow him to remain in that setting. We did NOT know how we would finance his education totally. He applied for grants and scholarships and I planned on working as a nurse to provide an income for us. With three small children, this was not going to be easy, but I just knew it would be worth it.

As we prepared to move back to the Ann Arbor area, our Bishop in the Royal Oak Ward asked to meet with Gary and me. He told me that he wanted me to serve as the Young Women's President in the ward. He felt very strongly about it! We then explained that we were in the process of MOVING out of his ward within the next month; Gary was going back to school to obtain his masters degree at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. The bishop was adamant. He told me that he KNEW that I was supposed to be the new Young Women's President; he was sure he had received revelation! He told us that Gary should NOT go back to school and that we were to stay in the area! He was so positive, that it was a bit confusing. But, we had prayed about our decision and we knew that we were supposed to return to school. Everything was falling into place and we just had a peace about it. The bishop asked me---point blank---why would he feel so strongly about me becoming the new president if it was not revelation from God? I told him that perhaps he was just impressed with the way I had fulfilled my current calling in Relief Society and that was influencing his impressions.

It was a bit unsettling to have him be so sure that we were NOT to return to school. But, though we believe in sustaining and honoring our Bishop, well all of our Priesthood leaders, we just knew we were to be in Ann Arbor. So, we made the move. By September of 1986, we were living in the University of Michigan's Student housing. I had begun working for an agency that provided nurses to fill in at the hospital when they were short-staffed. The need for nurses was so great at this time, that I was able to set my own hours. I would work from 8 pm until 2 am, which is NOT the typical or traditional shift, but it allowed me to work while Gary was home so that no child care expenses were necessary. I did not work full time, but the hours I did work ended up being enough to make ends meet. And, we did not see any other way to get through school unless I did work.

So, when the Prophet, President Ezra Taft Benson gave his address just 5 months later, in February of 1987, it was a true leap of faith to follow his counsel. He was imploring mothers to return home and focus on raising their children. Of course, he stated that there were exceptions in which the mother had to work, but, he promised great blessings to those families that sacrificed the comforts that came from having two incomes ( not those for which it was a necessity--) and chose to have the mother remain in the home full time. Now, it could have been argued that it was a necessity that I work to keep Gary enrolled in school and our family fed! But, we decided that we would follow the prophet and allow the Lord to bless us for that leap of faith.

I am so very grateful that we did just that. It was such an amazing thing to witness the miracles of the Lord! Not only did we NOT miss the income, but, avenues were opened that we, I am sure, would never have been blessed with, had we relied upon ourselves! We relied upon the LORD and HE blessed us far more than we could have imagined! We had sufficient for our needs and the LORD preserved Kathryn's life! Gary was able to return to the Mall Dental practice on Saturdays only, and he made more than I could have ever made, working the nights that I had been working. Gary applied for grants and scholarships and was granted more than enough to cover all of his educational expenses. So, although when we made the decision to have me quit work, and at that time, we did not know how we would be able to afford to do so, from that moment on, we actually did far better economically than we had for the 5 months previous to our prophet's inspired counsel!

And, that is not all. In March, just a month after I had discontinued working, we had another miracle occur. Kathryn was now 9 months old. So, I decided to start her on cereal. For the next several weeks, Kathryn began to have horrible constipation. I took her into our pediatrician at least on four different occasions. By the end of the month, I was having to hold her little body over the toilet and actually push on her bottom to help her stool. Her stools would come out in a thin ribbon and caused her such pain, it was alarming. After doing everything that the doctor had advised and having nothing actually help, I remember going to my parent's home. Kathryn was lethargic and I was in tears. I told my mother that I just did not know how to help her. And, my mother took a look at Kathryn and said, "Kim, you have got to take her to the Emergency Room now!" Thankfully, I did as my mother directed. She went with me and watched over Bonnie, who was then 6 years old and Christopher who was 2 years old, as we waited for the doctor to come in to see Kathryn.

We had gone to the University of Michigan Hospital ER. And, it just so happened---(no, I do not believe for a moment that it was just happenstance!) that the physician on call for pediatrics was a Pediatric Surgeon! He took one look at Kathryn, he did a digital exam of her anus and told us that Kathryn needed to be admitted immediately. He then explained that Kathryn had a congenital deformity called Imperforate Anus. Being a nurse, I knew what that was. I said, "That is impossible, she has been stooling! And, you can see that she does have an anus!" But, he told me that it was just a dimple with a tear, that she did NOT have a true opening from her bowel and rectum to allow the stool to pass out of her body. The tear had allowed the soft stool she had from breast feeding, to pass out of her body, but, once I had introduced solid food, the tear was not large enough to allow that fecal material to pass. He told me that Kathryn was toxic and needed to have her stool evacuated and then she would need a surgical repair of the anus. Kathryn needed to have a true anus surgically made---the surgery was called a "cut-back anoplasty." It took three whole days to evacuate the built up stool throughout her tiny body. She had tubes in her nose, to help flush out the stool and they were doing enemas routinely. We had nearly lost her, because she was in toxic shock; that was why she was lethargic. And, I KNOW we would have lost her if we had NOT moved to Ann Arbor, where the Pediatric Surgeon was on staff.

There were just 5 Pediatric Surgeons serving all the Midwestern states, and all 5 were based in Ann Arbor at the U of M hospital. Though I had taken Kathryn into the Pediatrician on several occasions, we needed the expertise of a Pediatric Surgeon to diagnose and treat Kathryn. I was so very grateful that my mother had insisted I take her to the only hospital that had the only professionals that could help Kathryn. I was so grateful that we had returned to school and were in Ann Arbor when Kathryn had this urgent need! I now knew why we had a peace about our decision to return to school in Ann Arbor. And, I am grateful that I was a full-time Mom because my children did need me full-time!

As it turns out, the deformity was most likely caused by the accident I was involved in while pregnant with Kathryn. Thankfully, it was a deformity that could be surgically repaired with no lasting effects.

I testify that God lives! I KNOW HE does still speak to us through HIS living prophets that are once again on the earth! I also KNOW that we are ALWAYS blessed far beyond our ability to comprehend, when we choose to follow HIS prophets, and HIS counsel! HE will provide for us, even before we are aware we have a need! HE loves ALL of us! And, HE will be as involved in our lives as we allow HIM to be! I have NEVER regretted relying upon HIM.

Kathryn June Hildebrandt

2008-06-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

If you were to ask any of my children, who my favorite child was, I suspect they would ALL say my favorite was Kathryn! Please see one of my previous posts as to WHY that is! Anyway, Kathryn is my third child, second daughter. She was born June 19, 1986. So, I think it is appropriate that I post something for her since her 22nd birthday is in just a few days. She is currently serving a mission for our church in Phoenix, Arizona. She has put her education at BYU on hold, while she serves the Lord. She had just been accepted into Brigham Young University's Art Department. She loves all mediums of art, and wants to work toward a career in Art Therapy. She has done some remarkable art work. Actually, all my children are gifted artistically. Kathryn works so very hard at whatever she chooses to do, that her success is inevitable. You just cannot put forth the kind of effort Kathryn does and NOT succeed. She is a very determined, committed, talented, driven, intelligent, beautiful and dependable young woman. That is just the short list of her amazing qualities.

Yet, Kathryn could have very easily been aborted, if I had listened to the advice of my doctor. Here, then, is Kathryn's unique story:

Kathryn's story actually begins long before she was even conceived. I had been visiting with some friends of mine. We had been discussing child abuse. I am not sure why we gravitated to that topic, but, I remember sharing an incident I had experienced just after having given birth to Bonnie. I worked at Butterworth Hospital in Grand Rapids Michigan. I rotated shifts on the Pediatric floor and on the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. The last night I ever accepted a shift on PICU was the night that a newborn boy was brought in. His father had decided he could no longer tolerate his cries and chose to throw that infant down the stairs. His broken little body hovered between life and death while I cared for him. I could not keep my supper down. It was devastating to me that anyone could harm such a tiny, innocent and totally defenseless baby. I cried and held my own tiny infant closer than ever, once I was home. It was that horrific memory that nearly had me convinced that abortion was warranted if the parents did not want the baby. I foolishly believed that it was far better that the baby never be born, than to suffer such abuse. I was in denial as to the pain and suffering that an aborted baby is subjected to as it is aborted. But, since I was married and had wanted at least a dozen children of my own, I really did not think the subject of abortion would ever be one I would ever have to seriously contemplate.

So, imagine my shock when, one day, approximately 6 months prior to Kathryn's conception, as I was walking into a supermarket with Bonnie and Christopher, a voice in my head said, "How selfish can you be?" I looked around! There was no one near! The voice repeated, "How selfish can you be?" I thought, "What have I done that is so selfish?" And then the floodgates, as it were, opened! Thoughts flooded my mind so quickly, it was difficult at first to sort through them all. But, basically the message was this: I was blessed to have been born here on earth. I had been given a body and my parents had sacrificed in order to provide me with that body. Now that I was married and in a position to do so, I, too, needed to sacrifice and provide as many spirits with bodies as I could. Additionally, I was to know that the spirits that were awaiting the gift of life and the gift of receiving a body---those spirits did NOT care what circumstances they were born into, they did not care what type of body they received, the most important thing was that every spirit be given an opportunity to have a body. It was pure selfishness on my part if I did not provide bodies for my spirit brothers and sisters if I had the ability to do so. I was a bit bewildered, because I had always intended to have at least a dozen children. ( Well, I did falter a bit in that determination after having had to suffer for all 9 months with hyper-emesis and dehydration with Bonnie! I thought, surely, Heavenly Father will not fault me for reducing the number of children I have when I am so deathly ill throughout the pregnancy! ) I think I probably said this in my mind in my defense! But, I was told in no uncertain terms that abortion was the greatest evil of our day and it was not pleasing to the Lord. I realized that my thoughts, that it would be better for the children to be aborted than to suffer, was not in keeping with the Lord's plan for His children and so, I repented of my position. I was a bit shocked that I would have such a dramatic answer come to my mere musings, but, I did not think about it again until six months later.....

It was early in October of 1985, Bonnie was nearly 4 years old, and Christopher was just 9 months old. We were living in Southfield, Michigan at this time. Gary worked at a Dental Office in the Southfield Mall. And, I had found a job opening up a Montessori School and watching the students that were dropped off early---as their parents were on their way to work. It was a fun job! I could bring my children and they could play with the students that were there with me for an hour or so before school started for them. Bonnie especially enjoyed the "friends" she could play with, and of course, it was also a thrill to play with all the toys at the school.

Gary's schedule at the Mall usually had him working afternoons and evenings. So, in the early morning hours that I needed to be at the Montessori School, I would try to take the kids so that Gary could rest and sleep in, if he wanted. I remember promising Bonnie that she could come with me, to the school, in the morning ---as I had put her to bed. Usually, Christopher would sleep all night at this point, and so, I had planned on getting up just a bit early in order to nurse him and change him and have him ready to go with us. But, Christopher awoke early and so, I nursed him, changed him and he quickly fell back to sleep. Bonnie, when she knew she would be going with me in the morning, was ALWAYS up and raring to go! But, she was fast asleep. I looked at both my sleeping babies, and the thought came, "Leave them in their beds, let them sleep!" I resisted and said in my mind, "If I leave them, they will wake up while I am gone and then, they will wake up Gary! I want Gary to be able to sleep in today!" But, the thought came yet again, "Let them sleep!" I thought, "Well, that would be so much easier, but, I promised Bonnie, and I just can not break my promise to her!" Yet, since I had just nursed Christopher, I was pretty sure he would remain asleep throughout the time I would be gone.

I hesitated, then shook off the promptings to leave the children in bed! I woke Bonnie up! But, by this time, I was running late, and so, I tried to hustle Bonnie into the car after hurriedly getting her dressed and having fixed her hair. I ALWAYS buckled my children! And, of course, I always placed Christopher in his car seat when he was with us. His seat was permanently secured behind the passenger seat of our four-door, orange colored Horizon. ( just as a side note, that Horizon vehicle should have been painted YELLOW! It was such a lemon! I had had to take it into the shop nearly weekly for over a month and just the week prior to this, I had in exasperation, asked the auto mechanic how much more would we need to do to get the car in proper functioning order! His reply was this: "Lady, if I were you, I would just get rid of it!" Little did I know that I would do exactly that! ) Anyway, for the first time EVER, I did NOT buckle Bonnie. We just jumped into the car and took off.

It was raining and dark out. As we neared the school, we approached an intersection. We were on a four-lane road. The lights were green for us and so, we were just about through the intersection, when without warning, the car in front of me stopped suddenly. I slammed on my brakes, but, due to the wet road conditions, we hydroplaned across the two lanes of on-coming cars and we were hit, broadside on our passenger side. It took a minute for me to comprehend what had just occurred. Then, I tried to move and locate Bonnie. The passenger door was up against me, and I was pinned to my seat. Panic flooded over me and I began to scream Bonnie's name. I remember thinking in that instant that I was NO ABRAHAM! I could NOT give up my firstborn! I pleaded and prayed with all the energy of my being that Bonnie was yet alive and not badly hurt. I heard a faint noise come from near my feet, and realized that it was Bonnie. Since she had NOT been buckled, she had been thrown to my feet. But, not until she had wiped the dash---radio dials and all---with her precious face. Her face was cut and bleeding! She had also sustained a serious fracture to her left leg. But, she was alive! Had she been buckled, she would have been crushed to death. Had Christopher been with us, he would have been killed as well. His car seat was mangled and completely crushed. ( FYI: I was NOT ticketed for NOT buckling Bonnie!)

A kind man asked for my husband's name and number after having called 911. Since we only had the one vehicle, Gary had to call his mother and request that she come and pick him up and meet us at the hospital. I always thought it was very interesting that he and his mother went FIRST to the impound lot, to check on the CAR!!! Anyway, I guess after seeing the totalled car, they decided they had better rush over to the Hospital! Our bishop, his wife and the Relief Society President all actually arrived at the hospital long before Gary and his mother.

Bonnie was on the exam table next to me in the Emergency Room and I was able to hold her hand and tried to comfort her as best as I could. As soon as Gary did arrive, I pleaded with him to stay with Bonnie and not leave her side. Christopher stayed with Gary's mother for the few days I was in the hospital, and then once I was released, my parents had Bonnie, Christopher and I stay with them while I was recovering. I had sustained multiple lacerations and bruises, 4 broken ribs, and had some kidney damage due to the impact.

I had had to undergo an IVP, which is a type of x-ray with radioactive dye---to check on the damaged kidney, along with all the x-rays to determine the extent of damage done to my ribs. I had been given potent pain medications and just the impact of the accident took its toll on my body. But, the worst was yet to come. Less than a week after the accident, I began to vomit. I was told to go back to the hospital for follow-up. It was then that I learned I was pregnant with my third baby! (Kathryn!) I was horrified! I was so hoping that the vomiting would be short-lived, since each time that I vomited, my broken ribs would MOVE!!! causing excruciating pain--the worst pain I had ever encountered! Now, I knew that the vomiting would NOT end, and my pain could NOT be medicated due to the pregnancy!

I went to see my OB/GYN doctor that next week. I told him of the accident--actually, my wounds were fairly obvious! Anyway, after explaining to him all that I had endured, his recommendation shocked me. He told me that given the impact, the narcotics and the radioactive dye and radiation from the multiple x-rays, he wanted me to undergo a D and C! He was suggesting that I have an abortion! I was dumbfounded! Here it was! The very situation I never ever expected to face. My doctor was telling me that there was no way that I would be able to have a normal healthy baby given all that had happened. Thankfully, I instantly recalled my dramatic experience regarding abortion and I was firm in my response. I WOULD NOT abort this baby. Whatever the outcome, this spirit wanted this body and I was not going to deny that spirit a chance to have a body---whatever that may mean. My doctor was not happy. He made it clear that I was going against his recommendations and that there would likely be complications. I was unmoved.

How very grateful I was that a kind, loving and all-knowing Heavenly Father had provided me with a dramatic experience 6 months prior to my need! When faced with a very emotional and potentially soulfully painful decision, mercifully, the decision had already been made! I was already committed to never even entertaining abortion as an alternative.

It was the most difficult pregnancy I had had. Yet, my ribs did heal and 8 months later, we welcomed Kathryn into our home. She was so very perfect and beautiful! It was not until another 8 months had passed that we discovered she had suffered some effects from the accident. But, that is yet another story with yet another miracle and so, I will save that for yet another post....

A Vivid Dream, A Vivid Warning!

2008-06-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

I was married June 5, 1981 to Gary Howard Hildebrandt in the Washington D.C. Temple. I was so sure I had found someone that would love me as much as I loved him. I remember being so very grateful that Gary was so very good to me. I was not used to being treated with such tenderness, and I counted my blessings daily! I remember thinking early in my marriage that I was sure I had found heaven on earth.

One day in particular, stands out in my mind. Gary was home for the day, it was most likely a Saturday. We had only been married a short time, perhaps two months. I had just gotten ready for the day. I went into the bedroom, thinking that Gary was there, but, he was not. We were in a very small apartment, so it did not take me long to go throughout the entire apartment in search of Gary. I could not find him. I went to the sliding glass door to see if the car was still parked below. It was. I knew Gary would not have gone anywhere without first letting me know he had gone----that is if he could let me know! He had not said anything about having any place he needed to be, so I was certain he had not walked anywhere.

He was not in the apartment, he had not taken the car and I was sure he had not walked anywhere! I felt the panic rise. Then, I remember I began to pray. I said, "Oh, dear Heavenly Father, please, please do not tell me you have taken him! I know he is worthy of being translated, but, I still need him in my life!" I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes, when just at that minute, the door opened and in walked Gary! I remember being overjoyed with relief and I asked him where he had been, because I had looked and had not seen him anywhere. His answer? He was UNDER the car! He was checking something underneath the car and I just had not seen him there.

I felt really foolish for feeling such panic and for jumping to conclusions! But, perhaps it gives you a glimpse into my mind and heart! I just love so very completely! I also see the very best in others. I truly do see the awesome potential in others, and so, it is already a reality for me as to who they are, even if they have not yet quite arrived at that place; I can see it in them and it is how I see them. I can not see them as anything less.

I believe all people have great potential. I believe that we all are trying to do the very best that we can. I have always believed that LOVE is the answer. Always! I strive to do whatever would be the most loving and kind solution. I wish with all my heart that I did not fall so very short so very often. It is funny. I do not see others falling short as often as I know I, myself, fall short!

I have always wanted to live a life of service toward others. Yet, there have been times when I have wanted to do so much for others, to be of service and to be there for others, that the sacrifice has affected those I love. I do not mind sacrificing anything when it comes to my own personal comfort or pleasure. But, with the addition of a husband and less than a year later, a beautiful little baby girl, I began to realize that I had to consider the needs of my family when serving others.

This was a new concept.

I had been single and free to spend my time and money as I chose in helping others. I had served in my church over the single adults and had spent a great deal of my time and money providing activities, transportation etc. for those who fell under my stewardship. The time and money I gave, never seemed to be a burden. Serving my fellowmen was, to me, a tangible way of showing my deep gratitude to my Savior for all HE has done and continually does do for me!

But, again, now my circumstances were changed and I had a family to consider. I pondered and prayed at length. I needed to find the right balance between serving those in my community and church, and providing for the needs of my family. Shortly before Bonnie was born, I was invited--called by my Bishop, to be the Young Women's President. I was now responsible for between 15-20 young women. I was to provide them with Sunday instruction, weekly activities and various week-end activities. Additionally, I was to help them set goals and learn how to succeed in attaining those goals. It was a huge responsibility, and I felt very inadequate. My counselors were suggested by my Bishop, and so, they were called. I soon learned that neither sister was familiar with the program, nor were they willing to do anything delegated to them, initially. I needed to train them and orient them before I would have any real assistance with the program.

As I met with the parents of these young women, it became clear that they were not at all interested in supporting the program, if it required any of their time to do so. That made it all the more daunting.

After struggling with the load of this responsibility for a few months, I remember trying to deal with all the demands from the youth, the parents, my counselors, and my own husband and tiny daughter, and feeling as though I was failing EVERYONE!

Then, I had a dream...

This dream was so very vivid, that 25 years later, as I reflect upon it, it can still bring hot tears to my eyes and my heart begins to race.

This, then, was the dream:

I was walking with my daughter Bonnie. She was not yet a year old. She was in her stroller and as I looked around at the scenery, I realized that I was back in Marquette Michigan, where I had lived from the time I was 12 years old, (1971-1977) until I had graduated from High School. I had not been back there since 1978! ( I had graduated in 1977, but we did go back a year later when my sister had had her first baby. She had married and returned to live in the Marquette Area.)
Anyway, I was walking along, pushing Bonnie in her stroller. I was stopped by a mother of one of my young women. She was frantic and stated that she had lost her daughter, and did not know the area, and would I please help her look for her daughter. I paused, I told Bonnie to stay in the stroller and that I would return very soon! I then went with the mother to help her locate her daughter. It took, perhaps 15-20 minutes, but, we did succeed in locating her daughter! I ran back to the stroller, where Bonnie was patiently waiting, and we resumed our walk.

We had not progressed far, when we arrived at the bridge. We went under the highway and no sooner had we begun our descent, when a horrible auto accident occurred right before our very eyes. I was the first responder. I was a nurse and knew I had to help stabilize the victims. I again, asked Bonnie to wait in her stroller while I attended to the injured. I pushed her off to the side and commenced administering care. Again, a period of time passed, then as the Emergency vehicles arrived and began to assume the care for the victims, I returned to my daughter. Once again, she was just patiently waiting for me and we again resumed our walk.

Now, we were beyond the first bridge and we were just approaching another bridge. This bridge had a lively river running beneath it. The current was swift and the water pristine. Yet, for the third time, our walk was interrupted. I was once again, asked by another to assist them in locating their daughter. Once again, I pushed the stroller to the side of the walkway and told Bonnie to wait there and I would return soon. I assisted in the search, and it seemed, once again, that only 15 minutes had passed, when we were granted success and a mother and daughter were reunited.

I felt joy as I reflected that I had been able to assist others. As I said, I have always found my greatest happiness comes as I help or serve others.

I returned to the place I had remembered leaving Bonnie, but, the stroller was no where in sight! As I began to panic and search now for my own daughter, I saw on the hill, my brother Shawn. I thought, "that is impossible! How in the world could Shawn be here, he is in England serving a mission for our church!" I went to him, and it was indeed my brother, Shawn. His face was drawn taut and it seemed as though he was near tears. I said, "What is it Shawn?" He merely pointed down to the rushing river below. I followed his gaze, and to my horror, I saw Bonnie's stroller, upside down and stuck between two great boulders. I screamed, "Where is Bonnie?" And, Shawn said, "Kim, she is gone." I knew then, that she had drowned.

I awoke at this point in the dream. I was drenched in sweat and I was sobbing. The dream was so very real! It was so very vivid. It was as though I had actually witnessed that horrible scene. I have never forgotten the dream, the terror it caused and the lesson I believe I was being taught. I have not been perfect in applying the principles I learned from my dream, but, I have tried throughout my days as a mother, to count the cost of whatever I have chosen to do with my time. I have tried to make certain whatever I have done has NOT been at the expense of my family, especially my children. I knew I could never bear the pain of losing---either physically, emotionally or spiritually, a child of mine due to my neglect or my misguided notion that service at all costs was the goal. Yet, I have also known that since service has always brought me joy, I had to instill in my children a love of serving their fellowmen and each other. Hence the need for true balance!

One never knows how successful one is in training ones children. I mean, really, how can you accurately measure your success? But, I have had an inkling that perhaps I have not failed entirely in this, my quest to teach my children to serve.

My children are all willing serve and assist others and they do make helping each other a priority.

When Christopher was serving his mission from 2004-2006 in Houston Texas, he related to me one of the things that helped him to face and endure the challenges of serving a mission. He stated that during one of his greatest points of despair, he reflected upon what had brought to him the greatest joy in his life. He decided that his joy came when he was serving others. He reflected upon those times that we as a family had helped others by babysitting, bringing in meals or cleaning or when we had served at the cannery, or in the church's Bishop's Storehouse---where we would often go to fill orders, clean out the refrigerators or stock the shelves.

Christopher said it changed his mission. He began seeking ways to serve others always.

In the fall of 2005, when hurricane Rita ravaged the Texas area where Christopher was, they evacuated 100 missionaries. My son, Christopher, begged his Mission President to please allow him to stay with "his people!" He did not want to abandon "his people" in their greatest hour of need! But, he was forced to evacuate. I received a phone call and then a card from those in the area to which Christopher was sent. I have never been more pleased as I heard these ladies state that of the 100 missionaries that were sent to them, ONLY Christopher insisted on helping them serve the meals to the other missionaries. They went on to tell me that Christopher after he had helped with serving the meals, would NOT allow any of the ladies to clean the floors in the kitchen, but instead, got down on his hands and knees and washed the floors for them. They were in awe of how much he did assist them, when no one else even offered to help.

Funny how all my life my greatest joy has come from serving others, until now! Now, I would have to say, my greatest joy is seeing that my CHILDREN have caught the vision of service and that joy is even greater! How sweet is the knowledge that my children are continuing the legacy of love and service! My joy is full!

Susan Nadean Clark--Christopher's Eternal Sweetheart!

2008-05-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

I will write more about Christopher I am sure, but today, I just wanted to highlight my very first Daughter-in-law. My first memory of meeting Susie was at a Young Men's/ Young Women's activity. I had driven our 15 passenger van to Logan where the activity was taking place. We had not lived in Utah long. I did not know anyone in our ward. (our church congregation) My youngest, Shawnie, was just 2 years old, and I had all my children at home at this time. While the little ones waited with me out in the van, Christopher approached the van with two or three young ladies. One of the young women, (it was Susie!) began to name off each of the children that were with me. I was amazed! She knew all of my children's names! And, she identified each one correctly! There have been many times that I can not get my children's names straight! And, I must simply resort to pointing my finger directly at them as I say," YOU, you know who you are!"
Needless to say, I was impressed! Then, as I watched her mingle with all age groups, it was clear that she was as comfortable with her peers as she was with the aged and the young! She was so very positive and up-beat! Susie radiated joy and enthusiasm! Her smile was infectious and her spirit so very kind and accommodating. And, she took a genuine interest in everyone she met.
It meant even more to me, that she extended her kindness and friendship to all of my children, because my children were struggling with a major cross-country move, a bitter divorce and adjusting to the public school system. None of the children had been enrolled in public schools---with the brief exception of my oldest, Bonnie. And, now, due to the specifics of the divorce decree, I had lost my freedom to choose how to educate my children.
I wish I could say that I was functioning as a mother at this point! But, I was not. I was working full-time nights as the Night Nurse Supervisor of the local Nursing Home and the work of maintaining the home and children was equally distributed amongst my oldest children. I basically worked, and slept and that was it! I do not think I was emotionally available to any of my children in those earliest, darkest days after the divorce.
But, Susie, bless her heart, adopted our family as her own and began to friendship and comfort us all.
I remember a particularly bitter Sunday. It was just before the Primary Program was to begin and I had been asked to sit with a group of restless, wiggly 6-7 year old children, during the entire Sacrament Meeting program. Just prior to taking my place on the stand with those children, a woman in our congregation approached me. She stated her name and extended to me a couple of 3x5 cards. Then she explained that a fireside was going to take place that evening and she wanted me to write down my experiences with marriage. I looked at her, puzzled and then said, "I know I am new, and so you may not have heard, but, I am NOT married, I am divorced!" The woman then responded that she was aware that I was divorced and that was exactly WHY she wanted my input most of all. She continued on by saying that all those who were married would be able to learn a great deal from my mistakes! She again asked that I share those mistakes with all those who would be in attendance at the fireside, by writing down my thoughts upon the cards she was attempting to hand to me.
I could feel the hot tears well up in my eyes, but, I said nothing! I absently took the cards proffered and I somehow found my way up to the place---IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CONGREGATION!! and sat down with the children. I tried so very hard to suppress the sorrow and the tears. But, the pain was so very intense, the wound so raw that I could not. The tears began to flow freely and my vision was obscured. Thankfully, there were so many children and so much activity, I was sure that I would NOT be noticed, and I bowed my head and tried to be as inconspicuous as possible. BUT, one person did notice. I honestly do not know how many others were aware that I was losing my composure, but Susie had, and she kindly came to me and asked me what was wrong. I could not answer. I could not explain. I struggled to regain my composure and eventually was successful in doing so. But, I was overwhelmed and never forgot the kindness, the awareness and the comfort extended to me by Susie---a young woman so very young! Susie could not have been more than 17 years old! I was totally amazed! She truly is an angel and her daily ministry to others has endeared her to everyone. She is known throughout the community as a young woman of virtue, compassion and kindness.
When Christopher told me that he loved Susie and that he wanted to marry her after his mission, I was so very excited for him. I knew he had made a very wise choice in selecting someone so very special. Susie, you are one of Heavenly Father's choicest daughters! And, we are so very blessed that you have become a member of our family forever! I love you sweetheart!

Christopher Michael Hildebrandt--NOPE--RANDOM MUSINGS

2008-05-18T13:16:00.001-07:00

It just occurred to me that relating stories about each of my children, and posting tributes to them might be a very dangerous venture. I am reminded of a time when I had just 4 little ones. I had heard a mother say that she had taken each of her children aside, individually and secretively told them that that particular child was HER FAVORITE! She told each of her children this, and it had made them all feel so very special! In my zeal to try out new ideas and be the perfect mother, I decided to do the same. Colleen, my fourth child was just an infant, so, I began, as I have always done everything---"littlest to biggest" I took Kathryn aside and told her she was MY FAVORITE! The most amazing thing happened at that point, BEFORE I could even get to Christopher and Bonnie, to tell them the same thing, Kathryn had already proudly announced to them, that I had just told her, she was MY FAVORITE!!! I was devastated! What to do NOW??? Well, the damage was done, there was NOTHING I COULD DO! Bonnie and Christopher never would hear the same words from me and believe me.

I had learned a very hard, sad lesson. Not everything you hear, should you actually TRY or DO

I learned that often, prior to implementing any new "advice" or suggestions, the critical next step is to PRAY and seek inspiration! Heavenly Father has NEVER let me down when I have sought HIS advice as to what would be best to say or do for my children.

(Well, just as I was in the middle of creating this post, a dear friend commented about my post for Scott! He mentioned that perhaps it would NOT be the easiest thing for Bonnie to read what I had written! DARN! I have blown it again! I did hurt Bonnie's feelings. I am so very sorry Bonnie! I will try harder to be much more sensitive, kind and discerning. Please forgive my blunder. I did NOT ever mean to hurt you! So much for my remembering to seek for inspiration! I will pause now to pray about this one!!!)

( This was written prior to the blunder!!!)
Anyway, I am hoping against hope, that this idea of highlighting each of my children does not backfire and I live to regret, or my children live to regret my posts! I do love each of my 13 children and my new grand-daughter with all of my heart and though I love them individually for their uniqueness and their amazingly distinct personalities, I do not love any ONE more than ANOTHER! I know at this point, ALL my children will mention that it appears that I do NOT love ADAM! But, actually, I do. I will have to admit that for whatever reason, he is the one child I have struggled the most with raising. But, my love is just as deep, even though it has been much less visible! Isn't that tragic! I pray daily that I can be a much better mother to all my children, but to Adam in particular---since I do struggle so with him.

Well, back to Christopher! Christopher arrived January 10, 1985. He was born in Detroit at Grace Hospital. I started into labor early in the afternoon. We went to the hospital around 1-2 pm and began walking the halls. When walking was no longer comfortable, we began playing a game, "Crossing the Plains" a game all about the Mormon exodus west to the Rocky Mountains. I remember having a great time playing, and during the game, my nurse came in, watched us play for a time and said, " Kim, you are having too much fun and seem far too comfortable to really be in labor!" Just a few hours later, I proved to truly be in labor, and Christopher was born just after 6 pm.!

I remember the tears of joy that came as I first held my beautiful, blue baby boy! He was so very blue! The cyanosis actually was so scary! They gave Christopher oxygen and eventually, he lost that cyanotic coloring. During the labor and delivery, I was so amazed at the peace and the joy that I experienced. I was not sure why there was such a difference, I thought perhaps it was just that the second time around, the fear and all the horrors of the unknown are no longer issues. But, in hindsight, after now having experienced 11 labors and deliveries, I know it was much more than that. Then, when Christopher went to Patriarch James White for his Patriarchal Blessing just after moving here to Utah, I learned why there had been such a huge difference during Christopher's labor and delivery. In his blessing, he was told that Heavenly Father was present at his birth. As I heard that, the spirit testified to me of that truth. And, I reflected again upon the feelings I had had of such peace and joy, and I knew that was due to Heavenly Father's presence, of that I have no doubt.

Christopher has always had a special connection with the Spirit, with our Heavenly Father. We learned early on, that if we were in a crisis, the best way to access divine assistance was to have Christopher pray! His prayers seemed to be immediately answered!

Growing up, Christopher was a mellow and happy little fellow. He was kind to his sisters and he was active and alert. He loved the outdoors and had a wonderful imagination. He loved to climb trees and to build with Lego.

One of my favorite things to do with my children while we lived in Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti Michigan, was to go to the Toledo Zoo! It was a circular zoo, which was just perfect for little children and their moms! Unlike the Detroit Zoo, which is linear, and takes foever to get from one animal to the next---Toledo Zoo is a circular zoo! And, each animal exhibit is just a short distance from the next! You can actually see the next animal as you are viewing the one in front of you! But, at the Detroit Zoo (of course this is the way it was over 12 years ago, perhaps they have made changes by now...) you would walk and walk and walk and it seemed you would never get to the next animal exhibit! How I miss being able to take my children to the Zoo as frequently out here in Utah. I will have to make that a priority---recommitting to going places and seeing things with my children. It came naturally as I home-schooled. We just were always going places and seeing things to stimulate their minds. Now that I have been forced into the public school system, it has been so much harder to just take a day and go. My, this was a random paragraph---sorry Christopher, I guess I should get back to talking about you!! But, you loved the Toledo Zoo almost as much as I did, I think!

You know, scratch this, I will start over for Christopher's post! Let's just call this random musings and leave it at that! It has been a very difficult day for me and I think I need a time-out! Sorry, Christopher, I will try this again tomorrow!

Scott Barton, my very first SON via Marriage!

2008-05-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

So, I have posted two entries in honor of my firstborn. Now, it is time to share my love and pay tribute to my FIRST SON to capture my heart via his marrying Bonnie! Scott has been such a sweetheart from the very beginning! He captured all of our hearts so very effortlessly! He has such a gentle and calming disposition.

Bonnie, however, can be extremely high-strung.

Before Bonnie and Scott were to be married, I just had to level with Scott. I pulled him aside and I said, "Scott, I know you will not believe anything I am about to share with you, and that is OK. BUT, I do NOT want you coming back to me in a few months, upset that I did not ever at least TRY to warn you!" Scott looked at me a bit puzzled, but was polite enough to just listen as I continued. "Scott," I said, " I have lived with Bonnie for over 19 years now, and I love her with all my heart. BUT, she is NOT always the easiest person to live with. She has a hot temper and she is as stubborn as all get out....!" I explained that she was the ultimate "strong-willed" child and that she had not ever out-grown that strong-willed personality. I honestly do not know all that I did tell Scott. I am not even sure exactly HOW I said it all. But, I could see in his face, that he did not believe a word I was saying.

Now, I was NOT trying to change his mind, nor was I trying to stab my daughter in the back. I just KNEW that one day, after Scott had actually lived with Bonnie for a period of time, IF I did NOT forewarn him, he might just carry some resentment toward me.

When I had married, Gary's family would not accept me. I was a "Mormon" and they believed that I belonged to a cult. I tried to explain that the correct name for my church was, "THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS!" I said, "How can ANYONE believe that we are NOT Christians, when our church is named after Jesus Christ???" But, they were Catholic and were not at all open to their son marrying out of his faith. This was in spite of the fact that a full two years prior to Gary even meeting me, he had, of his own free will and choice, forsaken his church and joined the "MORMON" church! But, Gary's parents stated that if he had not married me, he would have given up his fling with my church and returned to Catholicism.

I wish I had listened to them! As it turned out, many years into our marriage, Gary did become disenfranchised with my religion and became an agnostic! That along with many other issues, (his abusive behavior towards our children and me being paramount) ended our union. Why do I mention this here? Well, over the 21 years I was married, I endured some of the WORST treatment from Gary's parents first, and then from Gary. I had always cared most about family relationships and had done everything I knew how, to find a way into their hearts. I just wanted them to love me and accept me like I loved and accepted them. But, it was never to be.

So, when it was time for me to become a "mother-in-law" I just wanted to be everything I had wanted, but never had! I wanted Scott to feel loved and accepted. I did feel I had to level with him and tell him what he may not have wanted to hear. In my mind, he deserved full disclosure.

Well, Bonnie and Scott were married April 13, 2002 in Mesquite, Nevada. I was still in the middle of my horrendous divorce, and so, they returned to Minnesota in June and moved west, to Garland, Utah with their 10 siblings and me.

Scott and Bonnie drove Scott's pride and joy of a car out, following me in a rented U-Haul truck. We were driving through Montana when Scott told me that his car was over-heating! He told me that the gauge was at the H!!! But, being the idiot I am, and thinking that we were NOT that far from Billings, where we could get help for whatever was ailing his car; I told Scott we would just continue on to Billings! I do not remember how many more miles that I forced his doomed, overheating vehicle to travel, but, suffice it to say, I am the reason his prized car bit the dust.

We did make it to Billings, and pulled into a bank parking lot. I think I was trying to get some cash for gas. Anyway, while stopped, all of the sudden, smoke came billowing out of Scott's engine, and, the very next instant, fire started to consume the engine. Bonnie, Scott and the children driving with them, jumped out of the car, escaping the inferno just in the nick of time. I just stared at the scene in total disbelief! I was horrified that I had caused Scott to lose his favorite car. What an entrance into the family! ALL my plans to show love and make him feel welcome and happy to be a part of our family, flushed away as the fire trucks flooded the area in an attempt to contain the blaze.

I do not think I will ever forgive myself for that major misjudgement, that horrible mistake!

And yet, Scott has NEVER once mentioned the loss of that car to me! He has never been anything but kind and loving and sweet and supportive! I just am amazed at the man he is! And, I love him more and more dearly with each passing year! He truly is one of my own! Mercifully, I was spared the pregnancy, labor and delivery of adding him to our family! But, I would have gladly endured anything to have him be a part of our family! (Of course, IF I had given birth to him, he could never have married Bonnie....) Anyway, I just love him to pieces!

And, after he had been married to Bonnie for a year or so, I did take him aside and I asked him, "Scott, do you remember just before you married Bonnie, I tried to warn you that Bonnie was not the easiest to live with?" He shook his head in the affirmative! I then asked him, "But, you did NOT believe me, did you Scott?" This time he said, "No, I did not believe you!" I said, "But, you believe me now don't you!!!" He just smiled! I said, "Well, sweetheart, at least I did try to tell you, right!?!?" He again smiled and shook his head! Since both Scott and I love Bonnie completely, and she is such an amazing woman, it is easy to overlook those moments that she can be difficult. I mean really, aren't we all difficult to live with at times???

Now, this week I have just learned that Bonnie and Scott are expecting their very first baby. They have 6 years of marriage under their belts, so to speak, and I am so very excited for them. I know that they will be as awesome as parents, as they have been as a couple. I have loved watching them care, love and support one another. They have made each other, their priority and I am so very proud of their choices and their successes!

Scott wrote in my Mother's Day card this year, " I want you to know you are the perfect Mom and you deserve a day for just you!! Can't wait to see you and hope you have the best Mother's Day! Love, Scott! In the same card, Bonnie wrote, " I hope you know how much you mean to me and Scott! You have always been there for us, you always give all you have and often even more than you have. You are an amazing Mom! No matter how bad life gets, no matter what you are called to endure, you've never left, you never have forgotten or given up your children. We've always come first, and you've always put yourself last....I hope you realize today what a wonderful mother you are and how much you have accomplished!..."She says more, and of course, Bonnie and Scott, your kind words of love and support meant the world to me and reduced me to tears---for quite sometime! I have been so very blessed to have such wonderful children! I am the mother of many, and the recipient of many, many blessings because my children are so amazing! Scott, I love you son! You are mine, forever!

Bonita Banana---my Beautiful and Pure little girl!

2008-05-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

From the beginning, I totally confused Bonnie. Gary would work long hours, and I would be home alone with Bonnie. I would play with her until it was her bedtime, then I would put her in her crib and I would go to the living room, or my bedroom. After perhaps a half an hour, I would get lonely and I would go back into Bonnie's room. I would peer into the crib to see if she had yet fallen asleep. Bonnie was truly an amazing baby. She would play quietly, but never ever tried to get out of her crib, and long after she was 3-4 years old, she would never even leave her bed unless I came for her! Remarkable, but true! And, Bonnie was the only one of my children to do so, it was never repeated by any of my other children! I guess she knew that I would always come for her. Each night, I can not even tell you how many times we would play, I would place her in her crib or bed, then, I would miss her, feel guilty that I had put her to bed and go and pick her back up and play with her again---repeated repeatedly!

I do remember one incident that occurred while we lived in Southfield Michigan. My sister, Julie was coming to spend a few days, and, since we did not have but one vehicle---and Gary was at work; I decided that Bonnie and I could just walk over to the store to pick up a few items needed for our dinner that night. It was likely just a mile or so away. Bonnie was not quite 3 and I was very pregnant with Christopher! Well, things went just fine UNTIL Bonnie saw that the store had CHOCOLATE MILK!!! She asked me if we could get some. I had very limited funds, and every penny was needed for the essentials. So, I had to tell Bonnie, "No, honey, Mommy can not get that for you today!" Well, Bonnie decided to do something that she had NEVER ever done before! (and fortunately, never ever repeated!) She began to throw the biggest tantrum I had ever witnessed! She SCREAMED! She KICKED! She threw herself on the floor! I was SHOCKED! I was totally embarrassed. This was my first child, and my first introduction into the extremes children will go to, to get their way!

The little manipulators!

Anyway, I know it was the spirit that whispered, "Just continue on with your shopping!" I was in a hurry, and I really did not have time to fight with Bonnie right then, so I did as directed, and I just continued on down the next aisle---leaving Bonnie on the floor, still screaming and crying! (Ok, so it also might have been that I was too pregnant and too tired to bend over and swat her right then and there....)

She was, I think, a bit bewildered that I had just left her behind. Yet, she was not finished with her tantrum and I learned from this, just how tenacious and stubborn my daughter could be! She decided that perhaps I had not heard her I guess, because she began following me, still screaming! There were other customers in the store, and they, understandably, began giving me some of the most hateful stares! I pretended that I did not notice them, or Bonnie! Bonnie carried on throughout the entire store, she could not have performed the role of a spoiled child better!

By the time I had reached the check-out with the items I had come for, she was (and I honestly do not know how she had the strength or the stamina to scream and cry the entire time, without a breath, but that is exactly what she did do!) STILL crying, trying to grab my legs, since I had stopped to unload the cart. By this time, all eyes in the store were upon us, this horrendous spectacle! The cashier, who had heard Bonnie scream for it seemed to us all, an eternity, vocalized what I am sure EVERYONE in the store wondered! She said, "M'am, what is wrong with that child???" I calmly said, "Oh, she wants some chocolate milk!" Then the cashier asked, and I am still baffled to this day at her attitude, "Well, why don't you get it for her??"

I am certain that everyone there would have loved for me to have done just that in order to have peace restored to the store. And, if I had not been in such a bind, and had not needed the items right then, I think I might have just left the store without purchasing anything, as soon as Bonnie had begun her tirade. But, I did not have the luxury of time, and I needed those items! So I could not deal with her behavior until AFTER we had disrupted the entire store for I am guessing, nearly 20 minutes!

I looked that cashier in the eye, and I said as firmly as I have ever responded to anyone,"Do you think that I would EVER GIVE my Child ANYTHING she threw such a fit for???" She will NOT have chocolate milk for a VERY LONG TIME!!!!" I could see that no one there was really concerned with my having a job to do as a parent to extinguish such horrid behavior. All anyone in that store wanted was QUIET! I do not know if anyone watched us as we walked home. I had one arm full of the groceries, and the other hand was spanking Bonnie after each step we took, as I firmly stated that she had never ever behave like that ever again or she would NEVER go to any store with Mommy, ever again!

Bonnie NEVER EVER threw another fit again!

Bonnie did not have to share me until she was almost 3 years old. I remember one incident vividly! I nursed Christopher and then place him in the crib and told Bonnie to play quietly, while her brother slept! But, just seconds later, I heard Bonnie playing with her "marching band set." Do you remember the one made by Fisher Price? It had drums, maracas, cymbals and bells! She began hitting on the drum, while shaking the maracas and bells; making as much noise possible. Then, I heard the cries of a baby. I went to check on Christopher, and low and behold, Bonnie was playing with her marching band as she stood as close as possible to Christopher! What a scamp! Do you think she had some resentment towards Christopher???

But, some of my most precious memories of my Bonnie came as a result of paper routes that we had over the course of her years at home. We began doing paper routes as a way to earn money to go to our family reunion in Utah, back in 1992---we were living in Ypsilanti Michigan at this point. I had six children. By the time we had to give up the routes because we were moving to Minnesota, I had 9 children!

We had a 15 passenger van, and I would load all my children into the van. The little ones would roll the papers and bag them. Bonnie, Christopher and Kathryn would do the actual delivery. I would drive down the road, and they would jump out, running down both sidewalks and deliver the papers. I had not even noticed how very fast they had become until we were with our replacement paper people. As they stared in disbelief at the speed of my children's deliveries, they asked if my children were some kind of track stars---they were so very fast as they literally flew down the sidewalks! IT was excellent exercise for them!

While they exercised their bodies, I exercised my mind! I would listen to Rush Limbaugh as I drove our van to do the routes!

Since I homeschooled, we could get out and do the delivery as soon as the papers got to us! OUR customers LOVED that they always received their papers before anyone else in the town! And, they tipped the children well! We made as much in tips at Christmas as we did doing the deliveries all month long!

We had to deliver papers 7 days a week. We would deliver early afternoons Monday-Friday and then, we would get up in the middle of the night---usually around 2-3 am to deliver the papers on Saturdays and Sundays. That way, we did not miss church ever and we had plenty of time to get all the kidlets ready for church!

Once we moved to Minnesota, we tried to get paper routes like we had in Ypsilanti, but we lived in a remote little town, and there just were not the number of routes available. So, Bonnie and I took a motor route. The pay and the hours were actually much better than we had had in Michigan, but, no one tipped us and it was no longer a family venture. But, I loved the one on one time with Bonnie. We would have to report at 4 am and we would be done before 7 am. And, we no longer had to work any weekends! Once Bonnie began going to early morning Seminary, we had to start our deliveries earlier, so that we could be in Anoka, nearly 40 minutes south of us by 6 am!

I cherish my times with Bonnie more than I can express! I will share one last specific incident before closing this post.

Bonnie and I had to take the 15 passenger van this particular day, as we started to do our motor route in Princeton, Minnesota. Usually we tried to take the little Ford Aspire to save on gas, but, Gary needed to leave earlier than normal on this particular day, and so, we had to take that 1 ton van! We had already loaded up all the papers and had just finished doing the "in-town" deliveries. We were headed out the main street. It was just after 4:30 am, and it was DARK! I mean, it was pitch black! Visibility was so limited. I noticed a car in the road just in front of us, and I began to slow down. Too late, I noticed that the car was NOT moving, nor was it inhabited. At that moment of realization, I was alarmed to discover the reason for the vehicle being abandoned! The road was no longer a road, but was just deep mud and that vehicle had become mired in the mud. At that moment, I realized that my tires were no longer on solid ground, and we, too, were getting mired in the mud!

Our situation was desperate. We were NOT just a small car, but a one-ton monster van. And, at 4:30 in the morning, we had no one we could get to help us. We did NOT own a cell-phone, this was back in 1998, and we did not get our first cell phones until nearly a decade later! Bonnie screamed, as she felt us starting to sink. She said, "Mom, what are we going to do?" I said, "Bonnie, just PRAY!" I told her to pray like she had never prayed before! I began fervently praying as well---explaining that we had to get the deliveries done, that I had little babies back home that would be needing me very soon, and we had absolutely no way out of this WITHOUT divine intervention! I explained that I had no idea what lay ahead and so could not possibly have avoided this predicament. While I was still praying, I felt impressed to turn the steering wheel hard to my right, and to push on the gas. This I did, as Bonnie and I continued, without ceasing, our pleadings to the Lord.

Now, I have had answers to prayers all my life. I have felt the spirit of the Lord so very often in my life, and, even been blessed to have miracles occur. So, though, I am always amazed by the power and awesome wonders of the LORD, I have never ever been able to find those experiences common or unremarkable! SO it was again. As I turned the wheel, and pushed the gas pedal, I felt the van being lifted----it was literally being LIFTED out of the mud, and within minutes, we were driving on the grassy shoulder near by.

What an awesome thing, to have a TRUE and LIVING GOD! That does hear and will answer our prayers, our pleadings and petitions in our greatest hours of need! How wonderful too, to share those sacred moments with my children---with Bonnie! My children truly ARE the most important people in my life! I testify that these things are true, and I can not deny them! I am so very humbled that I have been so blessed to witness this and other such miracles, usually as I am just trying to do my best to be the very best mother I can!

My Tribute to My FIRST Daughter---BONNIE KAE

2008-05-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

Well, this was my 26th Mother's Day! I remember so very well, the pregnancy, labor and delivery of my firstborn! Bonnie Kae entered the world just a little after 11 pm on March 28th, 1982. I was so excited that she would forever share the Prophet, President Spencer W. Kimball's birthday! He was my favorite Prophet! And, now my daughter was born on his very birthday!

My introduction to the joys of pregnancy, however, was less than joyful! At first, the pain was so intense, the doctor thought I might actually be experiencing a tubal pregnancy. What a blessing that was NOT the case. The months of lying on the couch and vomiting and retching was not what I had expected at all. I had heard of all the typical cravings and yet, I could not even think about food without an overwhelming attack of nausea, followed swiftly by vomiting! I wondered if I really could endure the agony, but, the day that I heard my baby's heartbeat and then later, feeling the baby move within me--well, all the suffering was so very worth it! I was not anxious to repeat the experience, but, I knew that all I had gone through was so very worth it all. I could not wait until the day I would be able to hold, love and snuggle my baby! I had been babysitting for well over a dozen years, and I was so very excited for my turn to have a baby that would call me MaMa, would reach for, smile and coo for me, and I would not have to give back to it's mother!

I am embarrassed to admit that I did some bargaining with the Lord! I reminded Him that unlike many of my friends that were also experiencing their first pregnancies, I was the ONLY ONE of the group that had suffered the morning sickness all morning, noon and night! (I thought it was very deceptive to term it "morning sickness" when, for me, it was all day and long into the night!) Additionally, where most were able to feel so much better after their first trimester, I suffered with the nausea and vomiting well into my third trimester! (in fact, I vomited on my way to the hospital to give BIRTH!!!) So, given these facts, I just told the Lord, I deserved to have an easy labor and delivery! (Like I had the power to alter how things in my life occurred by reasoning with the Lord!!!) Yet, I was blessed to have a "text-book" labor and delivery. It was not inordinately long, nor was it unbearably, incredibly painful. So, perhaps that is what led to my belief that I actually could successfully bargain with the Lord!

Anyway, the moment I was able to hold Bonnie for the first time, I was overwhelmed with the greatest joy I have ever experienced---( the only other times I had experienced that type of joy being the other 10 times my precious babies were placed in my arms! ) I had always known that I wanted, first and foremost, to be the most loving wife and then the best mother ever! I had not fit in well in "the world," but, with that amazing baby girl, I finally felt I had discovered my passion in life! Being a Mother was just that! My passion!

I made many mistakes as I learned how to be a mother. ( Actually, I am STILL learning how to be a good mother!) I cringe to this day at some of my more colossal mistakes! I can not even believe that my children---but Bonnie in particular---could really ever forgive and still somehow find it in their hearts to love me! Bonnie not only opened the matrix, but, she opened my heart, mind and soul to what mothering really was, and how very tender and precious a mother/child bond can be. I was willing to do any and everything for her, I would have given my life to protect her and provide for her. I learned early on, though, that children do not really care how we go about our roles as parents, as long as they know we are willing to admit when we get it wrong and if we do all we do, with LOVE. They do not want us to give our lives, they just want us to give them our lives, as in a lifetime of loving and caring!

Today, Bonnie is 26 years old. She is no longer just my firstborn daughter, but, she is my very best friend! I love her on so many different levels! Fortunately, I can not imagine life without her, and I am praying I will never ever have to be without her in my life! She provides me with encouragement, comfort and support. She is the most beautiful young lady I have ever known, bar none! (well, OK, she shares that distinction with all her sisters!) She is the most dependable, reliable, hard-working, independent, resourceful, talented, clean, intelligent, compassionate, tenacious, loyal, honest, strong, articulate, and faith-filled young lady! Whenever there is a need, she will discover it and do all in her power to provide! She calls me to seek us to gather as a family and pray for her, when she has a need. She will give the shirt off her back to someone in need, she will do infinitely more for any member of her family. She has never ever been selfish. I have been able to count on her to assist me in every way to care for all of her siblings! I am in awe of all she has become and the beautiful woman she has always been.

I know this is a very personal post, but, I would like to, over the next week (in honor of those beautiful children that have made it possible for me to be a mother!) share experiences that I cherish about each one of my children.

I thank my Heavenly Father with all that I have, that HE was willing to bless me by entrusting me with the care and nurture of truly, the most amazing spirits that I have ever had the opportunity to get to know. Thank Goodness for my own mother that has given me such a great example in so many ways! I would have no idea how to be a mother if I had not had such an awesome mother myself!

Musings and Currant Bushes

2008-05-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

Last August, I had begun working at a plant here in town as their nurse. Monday through Friday, 6 am to 2:30 pm--awesome hours--full time though, but the pay was more than I have ever had with the promise of great benefits. It was right here in town; less than 3 miles away and I would no longer have to work nights. With teenage daughters, working nights just was not wise.

Things had been rather tight, and so, with Kathryn needing to have me support her on her mission and gathering all her needed supplies, this job was an answer to prayers! It was, however, very stressful and my supervisor was very unkind and demeaning. Yet, I was happy to endure it because I thought, finally, we can start being financially secure! Right? Wrong! I have had Heavenly Father remind me numerous times that I need to be home taking care of my family, but, the financial demands are so overwhelming at times, I guess I just do not have sufficient faith and so, I go out and get a job, which lasts----not very long----and then I am back where I started!

I am sure none of you are as dense and as slow to figure things out. I keep hitting my head against the wall, only to ask in bewilderment and frustration, "Why does my head hurt so badly!?!" Well, I lost that perfect job early in October of 2007, after a brief two months! I have been able to muddle through, and yet, I have been so depressed and worried. I have not lost faith, because I do know and accept the fact that most of my struggles are self-inflicted or just part of being a single mom with so many depending upon me! But, as I prayed, I was reminded of an article I had read in my (long-ago) youth. I looked it up on the church site and found that it was in the January 1973 New Era! So, immediately, I knew that it had to be the spirit that was bringing it back to my remembrance! It was an article by Elder Hugh B. Brown, called the Currant Bush. It was perfect! It gave me such comfort and peace!

THE CURRANT BUSH---by Elder Hugh B. Brown:

You sometimes wonder whether the Lord really knows what he ought to do with you. You sometimes wonder if you know better than he does about what you ought to do and ought to become. I am wondering if I may tell you a story that I have told quite often in the Church. It is a story that is older than you are. It’s a piece out of my own life, and I’ve told it in many stakes and missions. It has to do with an incident in my life when God showed me that he knew best.
I was living up in Canada. I had purchased a farm. It was run-down. I went out one morning and saw a currant bush. It had grown up over six feet high. It was going all to wood. There were no blossoms and no currants. I was raised on a fruit farm in Salt Lake before we went to Canada, and I knew what ought to happen to that currant bush. So I got some pruning shears and went after it, and I cut it down, and pruned it, and clipped it back until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps. It was just coming daylight, and I thought I saw on top of each of these little stumps what appeared to be a tear, and I thought the currant bush was crying. I was kind of simpleminded (and I haven’t entirely gotten over it), and I looked at it, and smiled, and said, “What are you crying about?” You know, I thought I heard that currant bush talk. And I thought I heard it say this: “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as big as the shade tree and the fruit tree that are inside the fence, and now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me, because I didn’t make what I should have made. How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.” That’s what I thought I heard the currant bush say, and I thought it so much that I answered. I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and some day, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down, for caring enough about me to hurt me. Thank you, Mr. Gardener.’ ”
Time passed. Years passed, and I found myself in England. I was in command of a cavalry unit in the Canadian Army. I had made rather rapid progress as far as promotions are concerned, and I held the rank of field officer in the British Canadian Army. And I was proud of my position. And there was an opportunity for me to become a general. I had taken all the examinations. I had the seniority. There was just one man between me and that which for ten years I had hoped to get, the office of general in the British Army. I swelled up with pride. And this one man became a casualty, and I received a telegram from London. It said: “Be in my office tomorrow morning at 10:00,” signed by General Turner in charge of all Canadian forces. I called in my valet, my personal servant. I told him to polish my buttons, to brush my hat and my boots, and to make me look like a general because that is what I was going to be. He did the best he could with what he had to work on, and I went up to London. I walked smartly into the office of the General, and I saluted him smartly, and he gave me the same kind of a salute a senior officer usually gives—a sort of “Get out of the way, worm!” He said, “Sit down, Brown.” Then he said, “I’m sorry I cannot make the appointment. You are entitled to it. You have passed all the examinations. You have the seniority. You’ve been a good officer, but I can’t make the appointment. You are to return to Canada and become a training officer and a transport officer. Someone else will be made a general.” That for which I had been hoping and praying for ten years suddenly slipped out of my fingers.
Then he went into the other room to answer the telephone, and I took a soldier’s privilege of looking on his desk. I saw my personal history sheet. Right across the bottom of it in bold, block-type letters was written, “THIS MAN IS A MORMON.” We were not very well liked in those days. When I saw that, I knew why I had not been appointed. I already held the highest rank of any Mormon in the British Army. He came back and said, “That’s all, Brown.” I saluted him again, but not quite as smartly. I saluted out of duty and went out. I got on the train and started back to my town, 120 miles away, with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. And every click of the wheels on the rails seemed to say, “You are a failure. You will be called a coward when you get home. You raised all those Mormon boys to join the army, then you sneak off home.” I knew what I was going to get, and when I got to my tent, I was so bitter that I threw my cap and my saddle brown belt on the cot. I clinched my fists and I shook them at heaven. I said, “How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?” I was as bitter as gall.
And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, “I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.” The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness and my bitterness. While kneeling there I heard a song being sung in an adjoining tent. A number of Mormon boys met regularly every Tuesday night. I usually met with them. We would sit on the floor and have a Mutual Improvement Association. As I was kneeling there, praying for forgiveness, I heard their voices singing:
“It may not be on the mountain height Or over the stormy sea;It may not be at the battle’s front My Lord will have need of me;But if, by a still, small voice he calls To paths that I do not know,I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:I’ll go where you want me to go.”(Hymns, no. 75.)
I arose from my knees a humble man. And now, almost fifty years later, I look up to him and say, “Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.” I see now that it was wise that I should not become a general at that time, because if I had I would have been senior officer of all western Canada, with a lifelong, handsome salary, a place to live, and a pension when I’m no good any longer, but I would have raised my six daughters and two sons in army barracks. They would no doubt have married out of the Church, and I think I would not have amounted to anything. I haven’t amounted to very much as it is, but I have done better than I would have done if the Lord had let me go the way I wanted to go.
I wanted to tell you that oft-repeated story because there are many of you who are going to have some very difficult experiences: disappointment, heartbreak, bereavement, defeat. You are going to be tested and tried to prove what you are made of. I just want you to know that if you don’t get what you think you ought to get, remember, “God is the gardener here. He knows what he wants you to be.” Submit yourselves to his will. Be worthy of his blessings, and you will get his blessings. "

I then read all I could about Elder Brown and his life. He was an amazing man and had endured many, many disappointments and had witnessed that it was the hand of the Lord directing his life----not always in the ways he had hoped or wished for! Boy, did that sound familiar. BUT, he handled it with such grace and dignity! So, I decided I should at least TRY to handle my disappointments with some faint hint of that same kind of grace! I wish with all my heart that I was not living the life of a single mother of so many, that I had not lost my marriage that started out with the expectation it would last forever! It has been and still is such a bitter part of my life, but, that does not have to be the only facet of my life that defines who I am---right? I can be grateful I have the blessings I do and stop mourning for the losses I have suffered! It is, after all, a choice, right!?! I just wish I could always remember that~!

Well, in November of 2007, I received a call from a young woman that has had a really tough time lately. In July of 2007, I told her that my kids and I needed the blessings of serving and would be happy to help watch her three children---ages 8 months, 2 and 4 years. We did not always have all three, and initially we had them more than once a week. In September, we were only watching them on Saturdays, for about 12 hours. I wanted my children to have younger ones to care for and to learn the joy of service, so babysitting for them was totally self-centered on my part. Anyway, she called and said that the ones providing her child care during the rest of the week had cancelled. She was getting the child care funds from vocational rehab in order to go to school and she has to be gone 5 days a week for 11-12 hours and asked if she could have me do that and she would have vocational rehab pay me not only for the additional 4 days of care, but for the Saturdays we were already watching the kids. I was overwhelmed! I was in shock. It was quite a bit less than what I was making at the plant as a nurse, obviously, it did not have the promise of benefits and the hours were longer. But, I was able to be HOME! Also, it was more than enough to take care of Kathryn's mission and even have some additional funds for food and clothing! It was a miracle to me! I had decided that I would just sit back and wait for the Lord to reveal what HE wanted. I was sure, if I did what I wanted, which was to rush head long into any type of employment just for the sake of being employed, it would work out as well as ever---which is not at all! (or not for long!) I have finally figured out that HE does not wish me to ever have to deal with the temptation of riches! And, I am at peace with that. But, the night previous to her call, when I did not have but one vehicle that would work, and I thought, this relying on the Lord is rather a wild ride at times, ( Please do not misunderstand, I do know it is the very best way to go, because when I try to rely on myself or the arm of flesh---well, it truly only leads me to greater heartache and pain!) anyway, as I am thinking, OK, I am trying to do whatever I can to obey; then out of the blue comes an opportunity to work at home!

I have been thinking a lot about Elder Eyring's conference address of October 2007 and have realized that I do not take the time to write out all that the Lord does indeed do for me and my family. And, because I do not do that, I am so easily pressed down with the cares of this world and I am so easily discouraged. Well, for today, I am grateful and I just wanted to share my testimony of the Lord's awesome patience and love for us all, even children like me who are constantly walking into walls and wondering why I have a headache! I do finally get a clue, even if it is only for a few short weeks & I am back to my bewilderment stage (far too quickly~!---if my history repeats itself---as it usually does! )

I know Jesus is the Christ, I know we have His prophet upon this earth, and He does direct our paths through him and through personal revelation---if we will just take advantage of it. I also know HIS ways are far above mine and I can not conceive of how HE will make something of me, but, I am trying to be patient as HE does prune my branches, so to speak!

I have been so very blessed and know that whatever we as a family have needed, it has been provided by a loving Heavenly Father and often, by inspired family and friends!

Well, please know that if Heavenly Father is so very good and kind and patient with me, think of all HE will do for YOU!

Illuminata, a book by Marianne Williamson

2008-05-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

As the title suggests, this book, when seriously pondered, brings added light! If taken seriously by all who now inhabit the world, it would change the world. But, is that not the promise made by religion? Indeed! But, what if we, as a conglomerated whole, could somehow order the universe and facilitate the shedding forth the purest source of "LIGHT" (irrespective of which religion each individual ascribes to...) to all of earth's inhabitants; would it not be the beginning of the most enlightened age ever known to mankind? Is that not what the Savior, Jesus Christ---the LIGHT of the WORLD taught by example and precept?

As in the child's story, "Horton Hears a Who," Marianne Williamson presents the world with the bold idea that EACH individual on this earth has a mission and DOES matter! (Again, exactly what our Savior taught...) Unlike Dr. Seuss's contribution, though, Illuminata is not a work of fiction, nor is it intended to merely entertain. ( Now, one could argue that Dr. Seuss was just as serious about this topic, and I will not deny that possibility.) Actually, as one sincerely cogitates this literary work, it expands the mind and cognition, until we are led to the conclusion, ultimately, that our actions, our attitudes and our very thoughts alter the course of our earth's life and has a direct impact, for good or ill, on each individuals quality of living. Once amenable to this realization, can ANY of our interactions be the same, can the course of history remain the same? Ms. Williamson claims that whether we wish to acknowledge this vortex of power, light and truth; it has come, and is changing the world as we know it. While some are busily doing their part to prepare for this ultimate Renaissance, there are yet those "asleep" to their own, and the world's possibilities. In Marianne's introduction, she states: "A mass movement is afoot in the world today, spiritual in nature and radical in it's implications. After decades of declining influence on the affairs of the world, there is once again a widespread consideration of spiritual principles as an antidote to the pain of our times. Like flowers growing up through pieces of broken cement, signs of hope and faith appear everywhere. These signs reflect the light of transcendent force at the very center of things, present in our lives in a corrective and even miraculous manner, a light we can reach personally through internal work of devotional nature. We are experiencing now an alteration of collective consciousness, centered not in government or science or religion, per se. It is centered nowhere because it is present, at least, potentially, everywhere. It is the rising up of our true divine nature, a reassertion of God in the consciousness of modern man."

The author then implores the reader to "test" her theory, and become one among thousands of others which have found this portal to true "LIGHT" and its healing Love. This passage requires one to become truly religious, not to merely select membership in an organized religion. She states,"...self-actualized people are hard to manipulate, difficult to control. Genuine religion does not respect the world for it sees right through it. It's goal is to supplant the world with something much more beautiful." Abraham Lincoln was described as being, "so religious that he was beyond religion!" And that is where we must go----forever beyond the confines of the "world's view" of religion. We are at a juncture in History that may very well usher in the greatest enlightenment know to mankind since the world began. Will we do our part to facilitate this emergence? Before we can ever hope to be a positive influence, we must first realize this colossal shift is before us. The author uses the example of those alive during the Renaissance, and their, perhaps, unwitting impact upon all subsequent generations. She writes: "I doubt many people walking down the street turned to each other and said, " This is the Renaissance, don't you think?" "But, looking back, we're clear there was one."

Not only do I wholeheartedly agree with the author on so much of the content, I have witnessed this "shift" for myself and had entertained in my limited consciousness, these very thoughts! It is thrilling to read these familiar thoughts in book form---and with the adornment of superlative articulation! Is this not the time to prepare even more intensively as the Second Coming of our Savior must surely be so very near?

Eighteen years ago, as I embarked on the amazing adventure of Home-schooling, I was awestruck to encounter a massive ground-swelling of parents, Mothers in particular, that no longer were willing to accept the abdication of the past. We, and rightly so, truly are a force to be reckoned with and we will not blindly or blithely follow the past generation's lead. We were entrusted with these precious children, and we have taught them all they know to this point, we are confident we can and should continue to educate and inculcate in the them, the morality that is so sorely lacking now! Home-schooling was my first and most poignant encounter with this "religious" movement that now permeates all areas and disciplines of our world. It encompasses far more than the didactics of children. It is, as Ms. Williamson suggests, " a spiritual quickening; a celestial speed-up through which, although the darkness is getting darker, the light is getting lighter! We have reached a critical mass of spiritual yearning---despite worldly appearances. There is a mass curiosity and openness to spiritual ideas unprecedented in modern western culture. Things we thought were primitive beliefs turn out to be more sophisticated than we are! As our thoughts rise, the world rises. This is the resurrection of the human mind." This also is the resurrection of the family's true and essential role in society, the mother's crucial role. We once again see how vital and indispensable a mother's SELFLESSNESS and DAILY NURTURING of her children must be, we can not be so cavalier about these roles, if society is to endure, let alone excel.

I find that this is, indeed, an awesome time to be alive and nothing is, or ever will be more fulfilling than knowing we contributed to THIS spiritual renaissance; our existence or being, matters!

Yet, I am reminded of C.S. Lewis's masterpiece, "The Chronicles of Narnia" in book seven, "The Last Battle," chapter 13, which is entitled, "How the Dwarfs refused to be taken In," we find the Kings and Queens of Narnia and even Aslan Himself, trying to convince the dwarfs that they are in a paradisaical place with a bounty of sumptuous food and drink. Not only do the dwarfs disbelieve, but they can not "see" who is trying to help them. They respond by stating, "Well, at any rate, there's no Humbug here. We haven't let anyone take us in. The Dwarfs are for the Dwarfs!" Aslan states, "You see, they will not let us help them. They have chosen cunning instead of belief. Their prison is only in their own minds, yet they are in that prison; and so afraid of being taken in that they can not be taken out..." How often has the "world" chosen cunning over belief? How many of our fellow sojourners are refusing to be "taken in" by the message of hope, love and peace made possible through dedicated and sincere prayer to Our Savior, the author of all LIGHT?

Marianne concludes her work with prayers for a variety of occasions, rites of passage and beckons the reader to "Search for God!" That search is a lifestyle decision, she explains that prayer is the time we talk to God, meditation is the time to LISTEN for God's response. She further writes, "Meditation is a time of quiet when the mind is freed from it's attachments to the hysterical ravings of a world gone mad. Nothing is more important to the future of the world then, that millions of people begin daily prolonged meditation and prayer. Prayer is a conduit for miracles. Most of us have more faith in the power of AIDS to kill us than we have faith in GOD to heal us and make us whole. Prayer gives us access to a sweeter, more abundant life...to true and lasting inner peace."

I was so very grateful to a very dear friend who recommended this book to me. I have always trusted her judgment and in this work of art, I was not disappointed. I have always been a prayerful person. But, the attitudinal transformation endorsed by this author on the subjects of prayer, Light, Love and personal accountability were powerful. The Spiritual journey and healing emphasized in this book has far-reaching, even endless implications, limited only by one's own self-imposed limits. This is a book to be savored. It points the way back to Christ, back to our HOME; as do the scriptures, The Holy Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price. The Scriptures are THE ultimate SOURCE of LIGHT and TRUTH and I try to daily sup from those pages as I fervently pray to OUR HEAVENLY FATHER for HIS LIGHT. May we all choose to use these sources that will light our path and guide us and provide us with the peace we all need, as we dwell here on this earth.

On Home-Schooling

2008-04-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

I remember just after my first baby was born, I began thinking what kind of educational experience would she have. I was so very dissatisfied with the public schools, and yet, I did not know if we could afford a private school. Finally, I decided that even though we were not Catholic, I would look into having my daughter attend a Catholic school. I called to get information pertinent to enrolling Bonnie. As I began to ask a myriad of questions, the assistant on the line asked for my daughter's birth date. I believe she was just a few months old at this point---so I said she was born in March of this year. (1982) The assistant chuckled and then kindly requested I call back in 4-5 years! I was saddened. I thought, "This is such a huge part of a child's life! Why would they not want to encourage parents to carefully consider these options very early on?"

I did not enroll my daughter in a private or parochial school. Rather, she began attending the local public school. My husband, at that time, was continuing his education at the University of Michigan Dental School. I decided that I would become very involved in the school. This was no easy task, as by this time, I had three little ones with another baby on the way. But, I accepted the job of being a home-room mom for her Kindergarten year. Then as she entered first grade, I became the PTO secretary. I went to all the meetings and was as involved as I could be. I watched first hand all the politics and drama that is the public school system. I was amazed! This was an entirely new world. Then, one month, the agenda included the discussion of the school's sex education program. I had been very upset that they were trying to establish the new curriculum and begin teaching this topic to the Kindergartners! I asked why they thought it necessary to approach this topic so early in the children's lives---in a public setting. I had opted to have my daughter excluded from the unit. But, when I went to bring her home during the time the material was presented to all the other students, the teacher informed me that Bonnie would hear everything I was trying to protect her from----out on the playground the next day---and that it would likely be total misinformation as the children just were too young to actually relate what they had learned accurately! I was dumbfounded! I then asked if the children were too young to understand what was being taught---why then were they teaching this to them???? I was incensed that though they told the parents they had the choice of whether or not their children were exposed to the curriculum, once a parent actually tried to exert this choice, they were informed that they really did not have a choice.

More disheartening than that, was the fact that as I attended the PTO meeting regarding the sex-education curriculum, there were only 5-6 parents present! And, of that tiny group, one mother said, "Can't you just teach the kids everything there is to know about sex, so I will not have to?" I was blown away! I thought, these are the parents that "care"----in that at least they had taken the time to attend this meeting, but, to me, they really did NOT care about the type of MORAL education their children received. I was so very discouraged! I did attend the District level meeting on this issue, because I was so very concerned with the attitudes the parents had in our community. An OB/GYN physician was in attendance as well. He became my hero, as he told the teachers, administrators and parents that the only thing the school needed to do was to tell the children that those parts of their bodies that were covered by underwear, should always be treated as sacred and that the children should NEVER ALLOW ANYONE to touch them in those places. I just wanted to stand up and give him a standing ovation! That was exactly my opinion. The schools were NOT to usurp the parent's role in providing the moral training parents are obligated and responsible to provide to their children!

I eventually stumbled upon the exciting home-schooling movement. I say "stumbled" but in all reality, I was led to those in my church that were home-schooling! It was a huge blessing from the Lord for me and my children. That summer, I began with gusto to keep my own children home and educate them at home. That was the very best choice I have ever made. In contrast, as I met with area home-schooling parents, I saw a devotion and true love and concern for their children's moral, spiritual, intellectual and social training. These brave and dedicated families were devoted to raising their children to believe in God and Goodness in a seemingly God-less society. While involved with the public school system in Ann Arbor Michigan, I felt so hopeless and helpless about the direction society was headed. In stark contrast, I was encouraged, inspired, hopeful and filled with joy as I saw a growing movement of mothers and fathers taking their responsibility to raise up their children to the LORD---from all denominations---eager to spend all the time, energy and love that is necessary to rear a noble generation.

I have such a strong testimony that there is a GOD, that His SON, Jesus Christ, is in fact our Savior and Redeemer and that they are so very involved and interested in each of our lives. We are the ones that determine exclusively, how much they are able to be involved in our lives. I have just as strong a testimony that home-schooling is the very best way to raise our children in this worsening climate of moral degradation and corruption. If any one out there has ever thought about home-schooling, but just was too afraid to try, or are unsure as to how to go about it, please email me and I will happily provide all kinds of resources and encouragement! Believe me, if I could do so, anyone can. I will tell you that my children have excelled in College BECAUSE they were home-schooled. My children have been able to attend College with full ride scholarships! There is a way for anyone who desires to home-school, to do so and to provide the children we are blessed with, the best possible early life, moral education, and most importantly, the quality and quantity of our time while we have them in our homes. The children are in our homes for such a brief time. Looking back, I am so very grateful I chose to home-school. I have so many precious memories with my children. I have no regrets because I did spend all the time I could loving and teaching them. And, I was able to impart, on a daily basis, my values and beliefs.

As some of my children are now adults, it is far easier for me to accept their choices and to have a peace about those values they choose to make their own since I know I have truly done all I could to teach them all I could! IF any of you are unsure as to whether or not home-schooling is right for your family, please pray for guidance! It is so very worth each and every sacrifice! I am so very grateful Heavenly Father provided me the information exactly when I needed it for my children. May God bless all you young mothers and fathers with the courage, the strength and the commitment to do your very best with these precious children---while they are in your home. Believe me, the time goes far too quickly! I have only 7 left at home! With one daughter leaving to be on her own this summer! God bless you all and do not hesitate to email me if you have any questions at all! Kim

A Teaching Moment

2008-02-21T19:52:00.000-08:00

My daughter, Carrie, just recently turned eighteen. With that birthday, she has assumed that certain family rules no longer applied---such as her curfew. We have a standing rule that on week-nights, those that are of dating age, ie. 16 years old, must go on group dates and return at 10 pm. On week-ends, they still must go with a group of friends and return by 11 pm.

Carrie has been very responsible and dependable. She has made certain that she returns BEFORE curfew! So, when she approached me and asked if her curfew, now that she was 18, could be extended to midnight. I was hesitant, but, since she has always been so very good about obeying the rules, and she has proven to be so very trustworthy, I consented.

Imagine my surprise when one of her first nights out with her new curfew, she did not return at midnight! I received no call, and I began to feel more alarm as the time passed. The other factor, which caused me no small alarm, was this date was a SINGLE date with a young man I did not know! One o'clock rolled by, no Carrie, then one-thirty! I was feeling the panic rise, and began praying more fervently. Finally, at two o'clock in the morning, Carrie quietly slipped in. I waited and listened. I was in no condition to confront her at that moment. So, when I realized she was home safe and without injury----I knew if something negative or bad had happened, she would have sought me out. I calmed down and finally drifted off to sleep.

The next day, Carrie came home during her school day for lunch. As she came close to me, I said to her, "Hey, aren't I supposed to be grounding you or something? I mean, 2 o'clock is quite a bit different from 12 midnight! Or were you confused about what time your curfew now is?" She sat down beside me and looked totally bewildered and said, "You were awake when I came in?" I then explained all the reasons I would NOT have been able to sleep while she was out so late by herself with a young man I DID NOT know! She laughed and said, "Oh, Mom, I am so sorry! I would have called, but I thought you would be sleeping!" She went on to explain all the reasons she was late and that she promised it would never happen again! I hugged her and thanked her for extending that promise. I told her that a Mom just can not have such a beautiful daughter and NOT be worried and concerned when she was gone!

It was a sweet exchange, and a memory that I will always cherish. I have found that waiting for the right moment, and using gentle humor has done more to strengthen the bonds of love between my children and myself than any lecture ever could. And, the added bonus: My children seek me out for counsel, comfort, companionship, encouragement and advice. It is such a joy to have them come to me! I just pray daily that when they come, I will know what to say and how to say it, and if they do not choose to come to me, that I will know how to gently let them know I am always there if they should want to talk -- about anything.

A Lesson in Humility

2008-02-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

I was probably 16. My father was in the Branch Presidency and our Sunday School class had just had a new teacher called to teach us. Being teenagers, I am sure it was a daunting task for anyone. Sister Clinard was likely in her 40's, but to me at that time, she seemed ancient. It was clear she was very nervous that first day she taught our Sunday School class. She had her face in the manual the entire class time, and it was evident that she thought reading the lesson straight from the manual was sufficient.

When the next week rolled around, it was clear the rest of the class was not going to cut her any slack! She was not able to remove her eyes from the manual until she gave us a personal experience about the Word of Wisdom. She divulged to the class that she had given into peer pressure at work and began drinking coffee. It seemed innocent at first, she explained, but now she was totally addicted and cautioned us NOT to make the same mistake in our lives!

I do not remember the reaction of most of the class. I am sure they were as rowdy as usual! But, my sister and I were polite and well behaved. WE could not afford to be otherwise! If our Dad ever found out that we had been rude, talkative or disrespectful in any way, we would incur his wrath! So, Stace and I never ever made any noise. By this time in my life, it was no longer disappointing my parents that kept me in line. I actually knew the gospel was true, and I hungered and thirsted for any and all information taught at church. I loved feeling the spirit and that is best done while being reverent. Stace, well, she was always as close to perfect as one can get without being translated! And, it was very, very difficult being her sister! No matter how hard I tried to behave, I could NEVER measure up to Stace's standard of good! Believe me, I had really tried! Anyway, though I showed no outward signs of disrespect, in my heart I began to judge and think less of our sweet teacher.

I began to think of a way I could influence a change in teachers. I approached my dad, since he was in the Branch Presidency and I said, "Dad, I know that in the church, the emphasis is on the youth, right? I mean, the church leaders want the youth to have the very best of experiences as they are forming their testimonies, right? He agreed! Then, I quickly added, "Dad, did you know that the Sunday School teacher that was just called to teach our class admitted she has a word of wisdom problem to us ALL? And, did you also know that she does not come to class prepared? But, she just reads the lesson straight from the lesson manual or from the Ensign? Don't you think that there should be something done about that??

I was actually very smug! I was sure I had presented a very strong case and soon we would be given a much more suitable teacher! One that I could actually respect! How little I knew! And, how very grateful I was for the wisdom my father shared with me during this major teaching moment! Dad asked me this, "Kim, do you think that the teacher is the only one responsible for making the lesson a learning experience? That threw me! What did Dad mean by that? I said, "Well, I don't know! What do you mean?"

He went on to explain that everyone in the church was at different stages of developing their own testimonies. He said that as members of a class, we should never be content to just sit back and be basically bystanders to the educational process! We had an obligation to do several things.

1. We should pray for the teacher that she or he would be able to give the lesson they desired in the way they had planned and prepared.

2. We had the obligation to participate and assist the teacher in feeling that her students were interested in what she had to say and what she had studied.

3. As students, we should never give in to the temptation to be critical or think that preparation had not been done. Everyone has a different teaching style and many are basically frightened!

So, if they buried their head in the book, it might NOT be an indication of a lack of preparation, but could in fact be fear!

We needed to make certain that we never ever gave a teacher reason to fear, and to be as supportive and kind, and yes, truly grateful for the time and effort they put in to provide instruction for us. Dad then issued me a challenge. He asked me to try for the next few weeks to look for the positive, to seek to learn one new thing from my teacher and to pray for the teacher and for myself so that both would be edified! He told me that both the teacher and the student had an obligation to make each lesson a success!

My eyes were wide open! I had NEVER even thought I had a role in the student-teacher relationship! I decided to take my father's challenge. I would like to say it was because I had an instant change of heart and outpouring of maturity! But, my memory is that I decided I would give it a try and in a few weeks, I could tell my dad I had tried, it did not work and so, could he please ask for a new teacher for us.

What happened was this: I did pray for her and for myself. I did seek to make her experience positive and to express my gratitude for her preparation. I did try to learn something new each week. Time went by, I grew to truly love and adore Sister Clinard. Gradually, she no longer read the entire lesson. She became more at ease, and the entire class embraced her. She invited the entire class over to her home for a Saturday lunch and for Snowmobile riding---an activity I have never forgotten, though it has been more than three decades ago . And, when she was finally released as our teacher, I was probably the saddest to see her go.

How grateful I am that I had a very wise father teach me a vital lesson at that point in my life. It is a lesson I have never ever forgotten and it has served me well all my life. I have loved each and every teacher, because I was given the tools to become the best student and the biggest fan of each new teacher I was blessed to have serve me!

Answers to Prayers

2008-02-15T22:51:00.000-08:00

Answers to Prayers by Kim Kerby Hildebrandt

Many years ago, I was sitting in a Fast and Testimony meeting in which an individual who had severely transgressed, spoke of their repentance. This person had had a feeling of overwhelming love from the Savior---so real in fact, that they felt as if the Savior were really holding and embracing them physically. I was troubled by this. I had never experienced a feeling of such love from my Savior or my Father in Heaven. I began to feel a bit hurt that I had never been dealt with in this manner. I felt a tinge of envy and self-pity. Then I prayed. I asked, (childishly, I admit) "Why have I not had these feelings or experiences?" I prayed to feel the same love, to feel the same affection, and to know as assuredly that I was loved. The answer did not see m to come. I felt no dramatic overtures. I determined that it was most likely due to the fact I just had not paid the price.

So, for almost a year, I increased my prayers, my scripture study and my temple attendance. I would turn off the radio and just use any time I was driving to pray fervently to my Heavenly Father. BUT nothing had happened! I did not have that tangible hug from My Father or the Savior! My time was, granted, very limited as I was the mother of six young children, all under the age of ten, and I was home schooling at this point.

Well, some months later my parents were moving to Montana from Iowa. They were unable to move all of their furniture. So, they asked if I was interested in flying to Iowa in order to drive a U-Haul truck full of furniture back to Ypsilanti Michigan. My husband and I had just moved into our first home, and we did not have much furniture. So, when I was provided an opportunity to go to Iowa alone, I decided that I would use that time to continue, in earnest, my quest for that hug as well as gain the much needed furniture!

I had only been allowed a certain number of miles to go from Iowa to Michigan by the rental truck company. I had forgotten to add the detour to the Chicago Temple into the allotted mileage with the U-Haul! I also had very limited funds for gas, food and none for lodging. Yet, it had been some time since I had been able to attend the temple. I decided that though it would be a leap of faith, I would chance it. I took the detour and headed for the temple. I prayed that the detour to the Chicago Temple would not incur too high a penalty in terms of additional mileage and gas. I also prayed that I might be able to afford the detour physically as well as financially, since it would require that I drive through the night to return the truck on time.

I got to the Temple early in the evening. I entered the Temple and at the entrance to greet me, was a former Bishop and his wife! I had not been in their area for over 6 years! It was such a sweet and comforting reunion! They called me by name, remembered me and hugged me and led me further inside. They asked about my family, was I there alone, had I eaten, did I have a place to stay the night? They seemed to want to meet my every need. They assisted me in obtaining my temple clothing, and in all ways ministered gently and lovingly to me. I was moved to tears! This kindness was very much like them, albeit even more intense. Then, when I told them I had not yet eaten, they insisted upon buying me dinner in the cafeteria, they were just going to dinner themselves they said. I told them I did not need lodging, as I just planned on driving straight through. The rest of the evening, they kept asking me to change my mind and just stay with them overnight! They were so solicitous and kind.

I was blessed to be able to attend two sessions and to spend more time in the Celestial Room than I ever had previously. There, I put forth my long-standing petition. But, still I had not had the experience I had longed for ---- the Savior to hold me in a tangible way. I bade farewell to the Cardon's and they hugged me tight and through my tears, I told them how much I loved them, and how grateful I was to be able to see them again---they were now serving a temple mission! I stopped to get some gas near 11 pm.

Just before starting on the long 8 hour trip home from there, I broke down and began to weep. I cried out in my heart and said, "Heavenly Father, why? What more do I have to do? Of all places, I would have thought I would have had my prayers answered in thy Temple!" And then, a voice in my mind asked this, " What more could I have done for you KIM?" My mind instantly recalled all that the Cardon's had done for me while in the Temple. And, my tears turned to tears of shame. I had had His love manifested in a very real and physical way. Yet, I had overlooked it. I had been looking beyond the mark. I wondered what else my kind and loving Father had done to show His love to me and I had ignored or refused to see it! I had been blessed beyond measure, but had not even accepted that amazing gift for what it was! I reflected back on everything that the Cardons had done and even tried to do for me, most of which I would not accept! I bowed my head in shame and renewed gratitude. I thanked HIM for allowing me to have such a beautiful experience and begged for forgiveness for not seeing it for what it truly was. My prayers had been answered so completely and tenderly!

I learned many valuable lessons that day. 1.) The Lord does care and loves us ALL! One indication of that love is His invitation and admonition to pray!2.) The Lord does meet our needs and cares for us in many different ways. 3.) We can be the means of answering the prayers of others. We can be instruments in the hands of our Heavenly Father. Others can feel His love through our showing love to others.4.) Heavenly Father does answer our Prayers! If we are not humble and receptive, if we do not have the spirit of gratitude, we can overlook the answers and miss the joy and love intended for us.

I returned home safely, early in the morning the next day. We unloaded the truck, and I returned it to the U-haul dealer. I had zero cash left, it took my last penny to fill the tank, but, I had enough. And, just as I pulled into the U-Haul place, the odometer turned to the exact number of miles I had been allowed and I was able to return the truck on time! I owed no additional money! That was a miracle---yet another manifestation of the love and caring of Our Heavenly Father for me.

But the story does not end there. About 4 months later, I was again able to go back to the Chicago Temple. I again, was able to see the Cardons. But, as I ran up to hug and kiss them, it was very clear that they did NOT remember me! It was awkward and a bit embarrassing! I then disclosed my name and how we had known each other years ago. Later, I mentioned this experience to my Mother. She commented, "Oh, that must have hurt your feelings or was at least disappointing, huh? I said, "NO, not at all. You see, to me it is just a further witness that those months earlier, it was my Heavenly Parents answering my prayers and welcoming me home. Now, I know the ministering was not just because I had been remembered by the Cardon's! But, I am so very grateful they were receptive to His promptings and were instrumental in bringing to me such a powerful experience.

I am trying to become more like them, and of course, my Savior, in showing love to my brothers and sisters so they too can feel Heavenly Father's love for them. I testify that what I have related is true. I consider this a sacred experience and cherish its memory. I am inexpressibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for prayer. I have a sure knowledge that He is attentive. He hears and answers prayers. It is precious, sweet and humbling to know that He, our Father, yearns to hear from us---all of us! That knowledge gives self-esteem as nothing else can. It is awe inspiring to know that our Creator, our Eternal Father, the ONE to whom all things are possible, the ONE whose accomplishments are endless and perfect, a Supreme Being---is willing, and even wishes, to commune with me, with each of us!

Now I shall never be granted audience with a King or President of any nation. Nor, of even more value to me, do I ever expect to meet personally and speak heart to heart with our Beloved Prophet. Yet, ONE greater than any man that has ever lived, desires to give me audience, any time, any place and for as long as I wish. That is the awesome nature of prayer. I can communicate openly with Deity, (at Heavenly Father's request!) anytime I choose! That to me, is humbling and sobering. His invitation is to us all! It means we all have great worth.